Reflection...I keep doing that. Reflecting on where I am in life. Is this where I wanted to be 20 years ago? Where do I want to be next year let alone 10 years from now. So much has happened in the past month I'm not sure I know where to begin. My mom fell and broke her ankle in two places. This landed her in the hospital until a rehab/nursing home bed was open. She was there one week and then developed congestive heart failure and was admitted back to the hospital for a week. Now it's been four weeks since breaking the ankle. She still has not put any weight on it which makes taking care of the things we take for granted harder. They have her on Lasix which is causing her to pee more which in turn is causing her to turn the light on to call in a nurse to put the bedpan under her. I can't even begin to count how many times she has laid in urine until someone was "available" to change her bedding. She was 330 and is now down to 300 - this is a good thing for all concern. It will make taking care of her easier - well, sometimes. I have been dreading the visit to see her. It doesn't turn into a visit - more of a bitch session. I can't even begin to count how many times she has called me complaining of something and expecting me to call the nursing station to take care of it. One time I gave her the phone number to call. I become angry with her but at the same time my heart goes out to her cause I know she doesn't feel "human" in the condition she is now. She was bawling the other night about how she got in this position, how could it have happened to her. I just shook my head and said we are all responsible for the condition we are in when it comes to our weight, deconditioning, etc. She hasn't brought that up to me since. I have no pity for someone who has "left themselves go."

I love my job. Since taking on this new position, there seems to be less stress, more of a challenge and more feeling of accomplishment. The money isn't bad either.

It's that time of the year that Doc is feeling the need to date. At first I was upset. Tonight we had another spat about it and I'm to the point where I say - go ahead and ruin what we have going so you can eventually be miserable. I know I sound selfish when I talk about this situation and yes I am selfish when it comes to this situation. He hasn't lost out - I do for him more than any woman has (even the one's he has lived with) and that is what he says as well. According to him, I am his best friend. He loves me. He doesn't want to be a home-wrecker and he wants to have what I have. Whatever. He told him mother about me being his best friend with benefits and the fact that I'm married. He said her reaction wasn't what he expected but she blamed him for letting it go this long. Oh please!!! Hear the whole story before making that judgement. He had a date with one of the other's doctor's patients. They had lunch the other Saturday and then went back to his place - which was filthy because I wasn't cleaning it. He said he told her about me - me being the friend with benefits as well as being married. I read him the riot act about telling her that I was married. That was my business to disclose that - not his. Someday if she is the "one" then maybe tell her but why disclose it now. He said she didn't seem to care. Uh huh. I think we know women a lot better than that. I intercepted a phone message the Monday after that date with her telling him that she wouldn't be able to do breakfast that week cause she forgot she had a new girl to train. I deleted the message. She called him Tuesday and told him that she was off work Tuesday because she was sick. She would call him when she was feeling better. According to him, she hasn't called. I don't think she is into him like he wants to believe. I don't like her for obvious reasons. He doesn't want to make plans with me JUST IN CASE she would be available. How can he date if the only time she has available is a weekend and that is the time that I am available. Well, don't we all have decisions to make. I'm standing my ground - I am his friend. I can't be totally supportive because of the feelings beyond friendship that I have for him. I just hope he doesn't ruin it.

Everyone else in the family is doing well. The day after my mom broke her ankle, I had taken her dog of 14 years to the vet to be put down. He was getting sicker and she was having trouble taking care of him. I went in alone although my brother and husband were in the waiting room. They didn't want to be there when he was given the shot. That was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do - watch him being put to sleep. I cried two days before and at least a week after and still I cry whenever I think of that moment. At least he wasn't alone and he is now with my dad, no doubt playing Frisbee which he loved. And on that note, I'm heading to bed.