It all started 45 years ago October 2 at 8:30 a.m. I was born into the family I would live with until I was 20 years old. I went from that family to living with my husband and creating a home of our own. After sharing a few years with just the hubby, we decided to have a family. Of course it took a while to accomplish that feat but we did succeed, not once but twice. I am the luckiest person on this earth.

No matter how much I bitch, complain, suffer, etc., I will always be the luckiest person to have married a good man and have two beautiful, intelligent daughters. Not only have I surrounded myself with wonderful people, I have "things" in my life that make living comfortable and I have experienced many rewarding adventures that are wonderful memories. I am the luckiest person!!!

I'm not perfect. I am not judgmental. I have a lot of compassion and passion. I will go out of my way to please those I choose to please. I am basically a kind person. I like to think as I turn 45 that even though I have done and/or am doing things that are morally wrong or don't fit into society's way of thinking that the person whom I am inside is someone I can love. That is what is important to me.

There is always room for someone to be a better person and I'm hoping that I still have time for more improvement, but it will be my decision. I don't plan on telling someone else how to live their lives (i.e. daughters) and I don't expect someone to tell me how to live mine.

And now I'm rambling.......Morning is gonna come pretty darn quick.....night

I have to admit that this past weekend was different. Thursday my hubby left for his fishing trip.  I ended up Thursday taking my mom to two different doctor appointments. She has managed to "hog up" most of my day's off during the coming weeks with doctor appointment and/or tests. Needless to say I wasn't happy but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to say anything negative and I know it would come out sounding terrible.

Friday I worked and ended up going to Wal-Mart/Sam's for printer ink since I didn't have any black. My mother called me and informed me that the agency that was sending people out to help her didn't want to come out anymore cause they couldn't find anyone compatible with her. They said she was mean to the girls. At first I kept my mouth shut. Then it came out.....I told her this doesn't surprise me. She is disrespectful. She was downright disrespect yesterday in the doctor's office. She is bossy. She is totally negative. She is VERY demanding. When I told her of this, she didn't believe it. She was obviously upset and I felt bad for her but I also felt she needed to hear it. She needed to hear it from someone other than me.  How does someone 67 years old change? She brought up the fact that the person I was describing (her) was her mother. I said, "Yes, and if you recognize that and you don't like that behavior it is up to you to change it." I went on to tell her that I didn't bring my daughters up the way I was brought up and that is what next generations do. If they recognize something that isn't right or they didn't like, they change it for their children. Unfortunately, my mother is in denial of things she did as I was growing up. Time will tell now as to what happens with this information she received. I will be the dutiful daughter and help her recognize things that people would take as being mean since she can't seem to recognize them. I will even help her become a nicer person if that is what she desires. We'll see how that works.

This was my weekend with Doc. It started out Friday night watching him bowl and then going to his house. I was exhausted and actually crashed before 11:30. I NEVER crash that early. I was tired. I asked him to wake me up when he woke up (he usually wakes up in the middle of the night for unknown reasons) but he said I was sleeping too soundly. I admit that I was kinda disappointed that he didn't . It would have been a perfect time to "get happy." Oh well. Breakfast and he went into the clinic for a little. We spent Saturday closing up his pool and he had a baseball game. Actually kinda boring and I was thinking of other things I would have rather been doing but I kept thinking, things will be better. Saturday night came and because of the work done that day, I was tired and again crashed early. Again, I asked that he wakes me up. Again, it didn't happen. But this time, I coped an attitude and left him have that attitude. I ended up in tears and he ended up feeling bad for disappointing me. I just rolled my eyes to it. I can't figure that out about him and I probably never will. I've told him what I like, what makes me happy, etc. He means well but his indifference is pushing me away. I left tonight feeling very disappointed about this weekend. He knew that and apologized to me repeatedly. Why that apology didn't mean anything to me is just part of the way I have been feeling for months now.

I love the man but his emotional wall that is built up around him is killing me. I hear him tell me how much I mean to him. I hear him tell me that he has never felt this way about another woman. I hear all these things that I should be jumping for joy about but there is no jumping to be done. I'm a woman who needs actions. I need to see those words play out in actions. Yeah I'm needy. Words mean little to me when the actions don't follow up the words being said. Thus my disappointment this weekend. Thus my attitude. So all in all, a disappointing weekend in the intimacy department. My birthday is one week from now. He pretty much blew it off last year and assured me that he wouldn't do that again - so we'll see.

I came home and was so happy to see the hubby. At least him I understand more.

I don't understand how I can change so much about the Doc relationship over the littlest things. Why does it matter to me? Why do I feel so bad when things don't always fall into place? I think a lot of that is because of my expectations. Expectations I have of myself, of him and of the relationship. I really need to work on that expectation thing. I need it drilled into my head that everyone doesn't think like I do. Everyone is not as considerate as I might be about certain circumstances. People are not like me when it comes caring about someone. Not everyone is a giver. Some takers don't have a clue how to give and those people I can limit in my life. (Therapist's advice) I cannot change anyone who doesn't have the desire to change. Now if only I can apply that...

I was going to address a comment left on the last post but decided it didn't matter to me enough to devote time to it. Maybe in another post called judgmental people.  :)

I wish everyone a great week and hope that it only gets better as the days go by...

I took today off cause I couldn't possibly get everything I needed to get done and get work done before the weekend. I know it's only Thursday but I had some mandatory overtime to do and I want to be done with work by 4 or 5 on Friday.

Hubby takes off tomorrow for his fishing trip. I will probably see him for half an hour between him getting home from work to me having to leave to take my mom to a doctor's visit. I think most will know what I will be doing in that 30 minutes. I won't see him again until Sunday evening. I did inform him that I will be going away for the weekend as well. He thinks I'm going with a friend to a state park to cabin it for the weekend. I know I sound like it is no big deal to lie to him but it is. Deep down I don't like doing it. It has become so matter of fact for me in this area of my life (9-1/2 year). What I do to make this all happen is so unlike me - I detest lying. I have always felt that the truth will always come out. So, why do I do it in this circumstance? I honestly can't answer that.

In the past couple of months I have thought long and hard about what I'm doing, my feelings for both men and my life in general. I probably should have been sorting (blogging) it down here so that I could go back and read it to see how far I have come or how far I have digressed. I honestly feel that things are pretty good right now.

Hubby and I get along better than we have in a long time and that is probably because I give him more of what he wants, when he wants it. I particularly don't get much pleasure out of it personally other than pleasing him but if it makes him happy - that's good. I have very good relationships with my girls even though there are some days when I want to put dynamite under their butts to motivate them but all in due time. I pretty much know what I have to do with my mother and for the most part that is okay. Doc and I's relationship is at the best it has ever been. We are turning into more friends than lovers....hmmm.....friends who occasionally have sex.....hmmmm....lack of a better way of putting it. He is comfortable with me. I am comfortable with him. We can be ourselves around each other. We can burp, fart and talk about body fluids around each other. I can say that even though in the back of my mind I still have some distrust, I honestly believe the man's feeling for me this time are genuine. He acts differently with me now - more respectful. I like that and I deserve that. Plus he has been there for me - to listen to me when my other friends aren't available (the girl friends). He has been doing a pretty good job in that department - something a couple years ago he couldn't do.

He has changed a lot since knowing me and will admit that to me. I just tell him that I never gave up on him that I knew the good person in him was there, behind the walls he built to "protect" himself. All is good now. I feel content. I actually am relaxed living two separate lives in one. I don't know how long I can do it. I suppose till one of the three of us gets fed up and makes a decision to change a relationship. I try not to look too far into the future cause lord knows that is always changing. I suppose as long as hubby is happy with me and he has his volleyball and work and Doc isn't interested in another woman to start a relationship with, all will remain the same. Who knows, it may be me who wants to change something in one of the relationships. But then again, I'm spineless in that area. I like feeling content, safe, secure and that's what I feel right now in my life. I'm not going to rock the boat.

Got my first quiz back from medical terminology class - 102% (I answered the bonus questions right). Took the second quiz yesterday and I'll know next week. I hope it goes this easy for the next 7 weeks. Then I really have to study for the certification test.

Today is going to be a crazy day - a lot of running around and I have to be with my mother longer than I normally like or can stand. I have to think positive though that it will go fast and I can not get angry with her. I do always have 2 o'clock to look forward to when hubby comes home and I can get some release of tension (wishful thinking) and if that doesn't work then there is always the weekend where I know I will get some release.....

I was up early this morning, not quite sure why as this was suppose to be a day I could sleep in. Work was done for the week, mandatory overtime was done. Hubby of course was working this weekend yet again. Next weekend though he is taking off work to go boating and fishing with the "boys." I say about time the man takes some time off.

So I get up early and what do I do? Clean!! Oh by god what is wrong with me. It's 5 a.m. in the morning and I'm scrubbing the tub, the vanity, the commode (AT 5 A.M.) I'm sick that is all there is to it. Actually I'm just getting over being sick. That started last Sunday after spending Saturday night into Sunday morning in the emergency room with my mother. The same hospital I work for. They were diverting to another hospital cause they were full but she threw such a stink that to calm her down the ambulance crew agreed to take her there. I wasn't at her house when they took her away. My brother was thank goodness. I caught up with him at the hospital. She ended up having a urinary tract infection and they wanted to rule out sepsis and any other causes for her upper abdominal pain. They ended up discharging her finally on Tuesday. From Sunday on I was feeling miserable. I ended up having a sinus infection with malaise for the better part of three days. Because I wasn't feeling so well and soooo tired, I didn't get to see Doc all week. I really missed him even though I "saw" him everyday on the computer. It's just not the same as seeing him in person. By Thursday into Friday I was feeling much better. The pressure from the sinus infection let up and I was back to bebopping around.

As for this weekend, well I've already been cleaning up a storm, returned my hair to his rightful color and even had breakfast of warmed up chinese and chocolate milk (yikes what a combination). I'll be seeing Doc in about an hour as my oldest and I are seeing him for this chiropractic treatments. Will probably come home and finish up more cleaning and then spend the rest of the day with Doc. I have some time to make up with him.

Tomorrow I wanted hubby to NOT work so we could do something but he said since he is taking off next weekend he was going to work Sunday. I pouted a little but didn't nag - he makes his own choices. He has been playing volleyball at least 3 times during the week and on the weekend after working. Again, his choice. Volleyball was how we met. I'll have to relive that story sometime.  So, volleyball is his exercise and outlet from work. I'm not going to begrudge him of that and do I suspect that he is seeing someone? Not really or at least not yet. More on that later too. Right now I have to get moving.....

I went to a funeral today. It was the funeral of my brother's father-in-law. I met him when my brother was engaged to his wife some 22 years ago. I didn't realize he was 70 years old.

I didn't cry. I couldn't believe I didn't cry. Since my father's death five years ago any funerals or viewing I went to I have cried. I'm thinking I'm becoming emotionally stronger in that area. I am also realizing that when my mother talks about my dad's death and funeral that I'm handling that better. Could be the therapy working or maybe the drugs - maybe both. I bought flower to be sent to the funeral home. It was the first time I did it online. The cost was terrible (106 bucks) for a hearth basket full of roses, carnation, some cute little wild flowers among some others I didn't know the names of. It was very beautiful. I hated to spend the money on flowers though - I should have just wrote the check out to my brother and his mother-in-law.

Thank goodness tomorrow is pay day. I get paid every other week. I've always gotten paid every other week since I began working at the age of 18. Sure would be nice though to get a pay check every week. When I was working two jobs, pay day was opposite weeks from each other so I did get checks every week - how sweet but oh how taxing on the body.

I started classes yesterday through work. It's medical terminology which I know very well but I will be taking my CMT (certified medical transcriptionist) test probably by the end of this year/beginning of next and this is a refresher course. I'm not sure why I took it when it was offered and I certainly didn't know that I would be required to take the certification test so soon. After my diagnosis of Adult ADD last year I certainly didn't feel I could do it but things are different now. Better. I'm more guided in my life. I feel I have some control over things again. Thank god for therapy and medicine. Now if I could just get some my organizational skills I used to have, I'd be set to take on the world......okay maybe not the world.

I informed my youngest tonight that I was in a throwing away kind of mood so watch out. You have to understand when I say this, people usually laugh, fall down busting a gut laughing. If they gave awards out for keeping EVERYTHING, I surely would be in the top 5 if not 3. My husband keeps telling me the walls would fall in (from the shelves that hold my STUFF) except that more STUFF is preventing that from happening. Hmmm......was he trying to be funny? Okay so maybe I have taken over a few areas in the house and surrounding buildings, but I'm in a throw-away kind of mindset now. Boy I hope it lasts. I imagine what it would be like to be able to walk in the top of our barn without navigating around my STUFF. And the garage - wow to be able to actually park a car in there. Then there is the attic and basement - hmmmmm...just imagine. This should be motivation for me - thinking of all the places to tackle - probably more overwhelming but I realize I can't do it all at once. I know I need to do a little at a time. I have been reading up on this sort of thing and have gotten some good advice. Well, one more day to work till the weekend - yeah - no definite plans (other than throw away STUFF) but one never knows.....