I took today off cause I couldn't possibly get everything I needed to get done and get work done before the weekend. I know it's only Thursday but I had some mandatory overtime to do and I want to be done with work by 4 or 5 on Friday.

Hubby takes off tomorrow for his fishing trip. I will probably see him for half an hour between him getting home from work to me having to leave to take my mom to a doctor's visit. I think most will know what I will be doing in that 30 minutes. I won't see him again until Sunday evening. I did inform him that I will be going away for the weekend as well. He thinks I'm going with a friend to a state park to cabin it for the weekend. I know I sound like it is no big deal to lie to him but it is. Deep down I don't like doing it. It has become so matter of fact for me in this area of my life (9-1/2 year). What I do to make this all happen is so unlike me - I detest lying. I have always felt that the truth will always come out. So, why do I do it in this circumstance? I honestly can't answer that.

In the past couple of months I have thought long and hard about what I'm doing, my feelings for both men and my life in general. I probably should have been sorting (blogging) it down here so that I could go back and read it to see how far I have come or how far I have digressed. I honestly feel that things are pretty good right now.

Hubby and I get along better than we have in a long time and that is probably because I give him more of what he wants, when he wants it. I particularly don't get much pleasure out of it personally other than pleasing him but if it makes him happy - that's good. I have very good relationships with my girls even though there are some days when I want to put dynamite under their butts to motivate them but all in due time. I pretty much know what I have to do with my mother and for the most part that is okay. Doc and I's relationship is at the best it has ever been. We are turning into more friends than lovers....hmmm.....friends who occasionally have sex.....hmmmm....lack of a better way of putting it. He is comfortable with me. I am comfortable with him. We can be ourselves around each other. We can burp, fart and talk about body fluids around each other. I can say that even though in the back of my mind I still have some distrust, I honestly believe the man's feeling for me this time are genuine. He acts differently with me now - more respectful. I like that and I deserve that. Plus he has been there for me - to listen to me when my other friends aren't available (the girl friends). He has been doing a pretty good job in that department - something a couple years ago he couldn't do.

He has changed a lot since knowing me and will admit that to me. I just tell him that I never gave up on him that I knew the good person in him was there, behind the walls he built to "protect" himself. All is good now. I feel content. I actually am relaxed living two separate lives in one. I don't know how long I can do it. I suppose till one of the three of us gets fed up and makes a decision to change a relationship. I try not to look too far into the future cause lord knows that is always changing. I suppose as long as hubby is happy with me and he has his volleyball and work and Doc isn't interested in another woman to start a relationship with, all will remain the same. Who knows, it may be me who wants to change something in one of the relationships. But then again, I'm spineless in that area. I like feeling content, safe, secure and that's what I feel right now in my life. I'm not going to rock the boat.

Got my first quiz back from medical terminology class - 102% (I answered the bonus questions right). Took the second quiz yesterday and I'll know next week. I hope it goes this easy for the next 7 weeks. Then I really have to study for the certification test.

Today is going to be a crazy day - a lot of running around and I have to be with my mother longer than I normally like or can stand. I have to think positive though that it will go fast and I can not get angry with her. I do always have 2 o'clock to look forward to when hubby comes home and I can get some release of tension (wishful thinking) and if that doesn't work then there is always the weekend where I know I will get some release.....

I was up early this morning, not quite sure why as this was suppose to be a day I could sleep in. Work was done for the week, mandatory overtime was done. Hubby of course was working this weekend yet again. Next weekend though he is taking off work to go boating and fishing with the "boys." I say about time the man takes some time off.

So I get up early and what do I do? Clean!! Oh by god what is wrong with me. It's 5 a.m. in the morning and I'm scrubbing the tub, the vanity, the commode (AT 5 A.M.) I'm sick that is all there is to it. Actually I'm just getting over being sick. That started last Sunday after spending Saturday night into Sunday morning in the emergency room with my mother. The same hospital I work for. They were diverting to another hospital cause they were full but she threw such a stink that to calm her down the ambulance crew agreed to take her there. I wasn't at her house when they took her away. My brother was thank goodness. I caught up with him at the hospital. She ended up having a urinary tract infection and they wanted to rule out sepsis and any other causes for her upper abdominal pain. They ended up discharging her finally on Tuesday. From Sunday on I was feeling miserable. I ended up having a sinus infection with malaise for the better part of three days. Because I wasn't feeling so well and soooo tired, I didn't get to see Doc all week. I really missed him even though I "saw" him everyday on the computer. It's just not the same as seeing him in person. By Thursday into Friday I was feeling much better. The pressure from the sinus infection let up and I was back to bebopping around.

As for this weekend, well I've already been cleaning up a storm, returned my hair to his rightful color and even had breakfast of warmed up chinese and chocolate milk (yikes what a combination). I'll be seeing Doc in about an hour as my oldest and I are seeing him for this chiropractic treatments. Will probably come home and finish up more cleaning and then spend the rest of the day with Doc. I have some time to make up with him.

Tomorrow I wanted hubby to NOT work so we could do something but he said since he is taking off next weekend he was going to work Sunday. I pouted a little but didn't nag - he makes his own choices. He has been playing volleyball at least 3 times during the week and on the weekend after working. Again, his choice. Volleyball was how we met. I'll have to relive that story sometime.  So, volleyball is his exercise and outlet from work. I'm not going to begrudge him of that and do I suspect that he is seeing someone? Not really or at least not yet. More on that later too. Right now I have to get moving.....

I went to a funeral today. It was the funeral of my brother's father-in-law. I met him when my brother was engaged to his wife some 22 years ago. I didn't realize he was 70 years old.

I didn't cry. I couldn't believe I didn't cry. Since my father's death five years ago any funerals or viewing I went to I have cried. I'm thinking I'm becoming emotionally stronger in that area. I am also realizing that when my mother talks about my dad's death and funeral that I'm handling that better. Could be the therapy working or maybe the drugs - maybe both. I bought flower to be sent to the funeral home. It was the first time I did it online. The cost was terrible (106 bucks) for a hearth basket full of roses, carnation, some cute little wild flowers among some others I didn't know the names of. It was very beautiful. I hated to spend the money on flowers though - I should have just wrote the check out to my brother and his mother-in-law.

Thank goodness tomorrow is pay day. I get paid every other week. I've always gotten paid every other week since I began working at the age of 18. Sure would be nice though to get a pay check every week. When I was working two jobs, pay day was opposite weeks from each other so I did get checks every week - how sweet but oh how taxing on the body.

I started classes yesterday through work. It's medical terminology which I know very well but I will be taking my CMT (certified medical transcriptionist) test probably by the end of this year/beginning of next and this is a refresher course. I'm not sure why I took it when it was offered and I certainly didn't know that I would be required to take the certification test so soon. After my diagnosis of Adult ADD last year I certainly didn't feel I could do it but things are different now. Better. I'm more guided in my life. I feel I have some control over things again. Thank god for therapy and medicine. Now if I could just get some my organizational skills I used to have, I'd be set to take on the world......okay maybe not the world.

I informed my youngest tonight that I was in a throwing away kind of mood so watch out. You have to understand when I say this, people usually laugh, fall down busting a gut laughing. If they gave awards out for keeping EVERYTHING, I surely would be in the top 5 if not 3. My husband keeps telling me the walls would fall in (from the shelves that hold my STUFF) except that more STUFF is preventing that from happening. Hmmm......was he trying to be funny? Okay so maybe I have taken over a few areas in the house and surrounding buildings, but I'm in a throw-away kind of mindset now. Boy I hope it lasts. I imagine what it would be like to be able to walk in the top of our barn without navigating around my STUFF. And the garage - wow to be able to actually park a car in there. Then there is the attic and basement - hmmmmm...just imagine. This should be motivation for me - thinking of all the places to tackle - probably more overwhelming but I realize I can't do it all at once. I know I need to do a little at a time. I have been reading up on this sort of thing and have gotten some good advice. Well, one more day to work till the weekend - yeah - no definite plans (other than throw away STUFF) but one never knows.....

I had saved this website (below) because I thought it was so much fun. Well, with all the rain we have been having and no desire to leave my warm home, my youngest and I had races on putting the puzzles together. I even got to pick the pictures out and she STILL beat me every time. Must be the age thing The picture below is made with larger pieces than what we were using (when making the puzzle you have a choice of sizes). The picture is of my furry baby - Bandit. Enjoy... Puzzle or (Click the middle of the "picture" to get the pieces of the puzzle. Then all you do it click on the puzzle piece, hold the click down and move it to where it goes - if it's the right place it will "lock" into place)

This is a week of reflection for me and I plan on using this reflection wisely.

Not only are BOTH my daughters going to be in college, my oldest is going to be 21 this Wednesday.

I'll be breaking out the baby books and photo albums when they go off to school and leave me home alone. I will remember all the happy times of raising them. We had many happy time. Way more happy times than any bad times. As a matter of fact, the only real bad times have been when there was a death in the family.

When your children reach a certain point in their lives you pray that you did right by them, taught them things that will help them get through life. I hope my hubby and I have done that. So far we see in them that we did but time will tell when they experience more situations and people.

I used to kid with my girls that they needed to get notebook and label it "Words of Wisdom from Mom". I told them this when they were in first and third grade. I doubt they ever did that but they could recite some of my wisdom back to me. Somehow it always sounded funny when they said it. Some of it was said in fun, especially when I poked fun at the male gender. Who knows, maybe some day when I'm no longer breathing the air on earth, they will reflect on growing up and decide to write that book.

I worry about my oldest daughter the most. She is more introverted than my youngest. When looking at videos of her in her earlier years you would have never guessed that but I think that is what happens as they get older and friends change, school helps mold you, activities play a part in all that. I know that part of her being introvert is her lack of self esteem. Again, I feel a failure in this area as I have replayed things over and over in my head on how I could have prevented this. I honestly do not believe that her family (especially me) ever put her down or didn't have a positive phrase for this child. Maybe I should have recognized it sooner and intervened somehow. But now she is in her fourth year of college and hopefully will have all her credits in to graduate in May. Then it's out in the big world. She will know that she has us to support her mentally and physically if need be. I would give my life for my children to be healthy in life.

As for my youngest, well she has always been the independent one. We have always had to deal with her differently than the oldest. Even though she was more of an extrovert than her sister, she was probably more sensitive. She is one of the most organized person that I know. She is mind quick and she has a knack of seeing through and around things. (A scary thing in my position). I worry about her as well cause I know that even though she is smart, she will have to work very hard this first semester with her courses. They have her loaded with Chemistry, Biology and Calculus, as well as an English (no doubt writing) class. Yikes was my first thought. I even thought to suggest to her that if she thought she couldn't handle it to see what else was available and maybe spread those type of courses out a little but I didn't. She needs to make those kind of decisions herself.  It's tough being a parent.

Where has the time gone when they were just learning to walk and saying their first sentence was a major achievement, when learning the alphabet earned them something special. Ahhh...those were the days.

Now they are so independent and are writing wonderful intelligent essays that earn them High A's, they are able to do mathematical problems while I'm just looking at it and figuring out what it all means. They have surpassed me in that area by far and I am so happy for them. My hope for my children is that they gain from life so much more than I ever have or will.

Now where are those baby albums and videos.....