I have to admit that this past weekend was different. Thursday my hubby left for his fishing trip. I ended up Thursday taking my mom to two different doctor appointments. She has managed to "hog up" most of my day's off during the coming weeks with doctor appointment and/or tests. Needless to say I wasn't happy but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to say anything negative and I know it would come out sounding terrible.
Friday I worked and ended up going to Wal-Mart/Sam's for printer ink since I didn't have any black. My mother called me and informed me that the agency that was sending people out to help her didn't want to come out anymore cause they couldn't find anyone compatible with her. They said she was mean to the girls. At first I kept my mouth shut. Then it came out.....I told her this doesn't surprise me. She is disrespectful. She was downright disrespect yesterday in the doctor's office. She is bossy. She is totally negative. She is VERY demanding. When I told her of this, she didn't believe it. She was obviously upset and I felt bad for her but I also felt she needed to hear it. She needed to hear it from someone other than me. How does someone 67 years old change? She brought up the fact that the person I was describing (her) was her mother. I said, "Yes, and if you recognize that and you don't like that behavior it is up to you to change it." I went on to tell her that I didn't bring my daughters up the way I was brought up and that is what next generations do. If they recognize something that isn't right or they didn't like, they change it for their children. Unfortunately, my mother is in denial of things she did as I was growing up. Time will tell now as to what happens with this information she received. I will be the dutiful daughter and help her recognize things that people would take as being mean since she can't seem to recognize them. I will even help her become a nicer person if that is what she desires. We'll see how that works.
This was my weekend with Doc. It started out Friday night watching him bowl and then going to his house. I was exhausted and actually crashed before 11:30. I NEVER crash that early. I was tired. I asked him to wake me up when he woke up (he usually wakes up in the middle of the night for unknown reasons) but he said I was sleeping too soundly. I admit that I was kinda disappointed that he didn't . It would have been a perfect time to "get happy." Oh well. Breakfast and he went into the clinic for a little. We spent Saturday closing up his pool and he had a baseball game. Actually kinda boring and I was thinking of other things I would have rather been doing but I kept thinking, things will be better. Saturday night came and because of the work done that day, I was tired and again crashed early. Again, I asked that he wakes me up. Again, it didn't happen. But this time, I coped an attitude and left him have that attitude. I ended up in tears and he ended up feeling bad for disappointing me. I just rolled my eyes to it. I can't figure that out about him and I probably never will. I've told him what I like, what makes me happy, etc. He means well but his indifference is pushing me away. I left tonight feeling very disappointed about this weekend. He knew that and apologized to me repeatedly. Why that apology didn't mean anything to me is just part of the way I have been feeling for months now.
I love the man but his emotional wall that is built up around him is killing me. I hear him tell me how much I mean to him. I hear him tell me that he has never felt this way about another woman. I hear all these things that I should be jumping for joy about but there is no jumping to be done. I'm a woman who needs actions. I need to see those words play out in actions. Yeah I'm needy. Words mean little to me when the actions don't follow up the words being said. Thus my disappointment this weekend. Thus my attitude. So all in all, a disappointing weekend in the intimacy department. My birthday is one week from now. He pretty much blew it off last year and assured me that he wouldn't do that again - so we'll see.
I came home and was so happy to see the hubby. At least him I understand more.
I don't understand how I can change so much about the Doc relationship over the littlest things. Why does it matter to me? Why do I feel so bad when things don't always fall into place? I think a lot of that is because of my expectations. Expectations I have of myself, of him and of the relationship. I really need to work on that expectation thing. I need it drilled into my head that everyone doesn't think like I do. Everyone is not as considerate as I might be about certain circumstances. People are not like me when it comes caring about someone. Not everyone is a giver. Some takers don't have a clue how to give and those people I can limit in my life. (Therapist's advice) I cannot change anyone who doesn't have the desire to change. Now if only I can apply that...
I was going to address a comment left on the last post but decided it didn't matter to me enough to devote time to it. Maybe in another post called judgmental people. :)
I wish everyone a great week and hope that it only gets better as the days go by...