I should have stayed in bed. It was warm and comfortable there. But, no I got up and started work. We had my mom's dog, Bentley, overnight.

My daughters were going to take him back to her when they went to school. They leave and he goes with them....or so I thought. Next thing I know I'm getting a call from the oldest and she said Bentley won't come off the back porch. So I grab some biscuits and head out there. Now remember, I had just woke up before this so I was still in my nightshirt (the only thing other than slippers). I go out and close the door behind me. He follows me up the walk to the driveway and gets in the back of her car - no problem. Next time they'll think of bribing him.

On my way back to the house, the horse is neighing me to take him over to the pasture. Sure why not right - I'm only walking around in my nightshirt and slippers - never mind that the grass is wet, I'm clocked in to work and there is a breeze blowing up the nightshirt.



So I take him over and finally go back to the house only to find out that the door was locked. I was thinking "Oh you have got to be kidding". I'll tell you right now that I hate the lock on that door. It's one of those kind that you can open the door from the inside while it's locked. The whole family at one time or another have locked themselves out. Now you would have thought with that many times of being locked out that we would have put a key outside right? Well, no. I don't know the excuse. We have a spare key and it is NOW out there for the next time.

So, here I am in my nightshirt and slippers locked out of my house. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I knew there was no way in hell that I was going to walk to a neighbor's house wearing what I was wearing. Of course I didn't have my cell phone. I did contemplate going to the camper and sleeping all day....but I knew that wouldn't work. I had a class I had to be at in the afternoon. So I tried the window in the back of the kitchen (around the corner from the door). Luckily it was unlocked. I have climbed through there before but it is not a pretty site and not easy. For one thing, my legs are not long and I need something to stand on. The last time I had to climb in the window, the upside bucket I was standing on gave way before I was in the window - ouch!! I tried using something inside the window to try to reach to unlock the door but I couldn't. My only resolution to this dilemma was to crawl in the window.

(I tried to upload a picture showing the door/window to give a better understanding but the picture wouldn't upload)

I grab a bucket of cat litter that was sitting on the back porch and placed it solidly under the window. By this time, I have an audience of cats. The family of cats outside were sitting there wondering what the heck I was doing and Bandit was inside smirking at me. If only he could unlock the door or fetch my keys.

So I pull down the nightshirt as far as I can. The last thing I want to do is have my bare butt showing. Because of the way the window sill is and the fact that I have a bench under that, I knew I had to go in head first and slide in. I already knocked a plant down and ground was all over the floor so I knew my "landing" wasn't going to be pleasant. I pulled the shirt down one more time and "dove in" being very careful not to go into fast but fast enough before something was exposed that I didn't want exposed. It was awkward and yes painful sliding over all that stuff but I landed in the dirt, pulled myself up and brushed off my hands. Again, I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh but I was angry. I don't know why that emotion surfaced. For one thing I wouldn't have been out there if the girls would have gotten the dog up to the car. My husband usually unlocks the door when he goes out to feed the horse because he has locked himself out and it was just my plain stupidity to not check the door in the first place.

So, I cleaned up the dirt, cleaned up myself and got back to work. The day just didn't seem right after that and I wonder why.

Although I don't post everyday, I do think about what I want to post. Sometimes that is all it takes, thinking about it, organizing those thoughts. I procrastinate on acting on those thoughts. Bad habit of mine. It seems that my mind never stops though. I'm constantly thinking of something - it might be a "to-do" list in my head, it might be what I'm going to make for dinner, or it might be how I'm going to manage my time today. What I don't like is when I'm trying to concentrate (such as when I work) or trying to sleep and my mind is still running a marathon. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I don't go to bed until I'm completely exhausted so I know once my head hits the pillow I will be out. That seems to be the only way to quiet the thoughts running through my head. However, this past week I have noticed that I have been dreaming or at least remembering that I dreamed. This is unusual for me as I very rarely dream or least remember it. I don't do this on purpose. It is my understanding that most dreams are done in the REM phase of sleep. I have been feeling more refreshed after sleeping if I dreamed. There's probably a very scientific explanation to all this - all I know is that I liked waking up and feeling alert and refreshed.

Work was slow towards the end of the week and we were offered time off if we had the time (PTO) to take. I did and I took off today. I had absolutely no "real" plans. It was great. I had breakfast with my best friend. It was good catching up with her. She was working a lot in the last couple of months and we haven't been running around like we usually do. She is an RN at the same hospital I work for and works 12-hour shifts, 3rd shift. She is going through some health problems and right now they are in the diagnosing stages. One of them is fibroids in her uterus with a cyst on her ovary. Her biopsy came back with abnormal cells. She has to talk to her gynecologist to know exactly what that means. Secondly, on the same day she found out about the "abnormal cells" she was told that her mammogram came back with a positive nodule on one of her breasts. YIKES!!!! This happened earlier this week. I wish she would have called me that day but she said she had her own private pity party. I respected that. That was a lot of information to take in one day. She had known about the fibroids and cyst and knew that she had to make a decision about what to do (hysterectomy was what the doctor was pushing for). I feel so bad for her and sometimes I am at loss what to say. I reassure her that I will be there for her in whatever capacity she will need me and she knows that she can count on me. Sometimes her husband can be such a screwball when it comes to some sensitive issues. With all this talk of these problems and dilemmas, I really need to make my own appointments.

My classes are going good. I have been averaging 102% on each quiz every week. The extra 2% is from extra credit. This really is just a review for the certification test I'm planning on taking in January. Work is so screwed up right now. There is talk of some of our work being outsourced, no talk of anyone being displaced but it's more than likely going to happen at some point. I'm just waiting to see exactly what happens before panicking about losing my job.

Hubby is actually taking off work this Sunday to spend sometime with me. Yippee!!! He was suppose to take the whole weekend off but I just knew he really wanted to work at least on Saturday. What a guy!! Trust me it's not my idea for him to work so much. We will be going to a little town about 1-1/2 hours away that has a huge craft/flea market set up in their town. It'll be fun and a great way to bond a little. Of course our oldest daughter is going with us but that's okay. We need to have a serious discussion with her concerning her major and the fact that she will be graduating this coming spring. I feel for the girl. She is a natural A student and her major is accounting. In this semester she is getting A's in all her classes but her accounting class. She is struggling to pass. She doesn't understand why and of course I can't tell her why. I have pleaded with her, advised her as a parent, to meet with that professor (who happens to be her adviser) and figure out what might be the problem. She is talking about changing majors. Majoring in business administration and minoring in accounting. It probably doesn't really matter at this point if the child doesn't know what she wants to do which is the case with her. She has talked about forensic accounting. She hasn't really said too much else. Hopefully Sunday we can help her sort it out. I certainly don't want to see my daughter struggle internally like this.

Doc's b-day was last Sunday and we spent Saturday evening together celebrating that. He's now 56 years old. Gosh that looks old when I type it here. I don't think of him as being old though. He had a baseball game on his birthday. Yes, he plays baseball and is actually very good. I got to watch him on Sunday.

Let's see, then there is my mother. She finally remembered I had a birthday two days after the fact. Gotta love her though. Last Friday I was taking her to the podiatrist. It was raining and she was transferring from her wheelchair to the car when her knee gave out and she went down on the driveway. I couldn't do anything to get her up (she weighs over 300) and there was no way I could budge her. I had to call the ambulance to help me and they had to call the firemen to come to help them. It had to be embarrassing for her. I felt really bad for her. So, we get her back in the house after being in the rain for at least 20-30 minutes. I get her changed and dried. She made it through the weekend okay and then Tuesday we try it again only this time I was taking her to the orthopedist about her shoulder (she had a rotator cuff repair five years ago) that is giving her some problems. We make it there and back with no problems. However, I found out later that night after the fact that when she went outside on her motorized scooter, she had fallen off it when a wheel went down in a hole. Luckily she had a phone and called 911 and had help to get her up and in the house. She never called me that day until she was ready to go to bed. I guess she felt she bugged me enough or she knew that I would probably not be happy that she put herself in harm's way again. I did inform her that she needs to think about her safety more and if living there is the best option for her or was she just being selfish. She didn't know I had off this Friday or she would have been calling a lot.

Well that was the last two weeks in the condensed version. Never a dull moment that's for sure but then again, would it seem like my life it is was dull.....probably not.

I went into yesterday with little expectation but unfortunately things did as I expected. My mother called early in the morning and was complaining about the help that she was suppose to have. Remember me saying how the agency told her that they have a hard time finding someone to help her cause she is mean or yells at them. Well I finally got to talk to that agency and to the Area Agency of Aging caseworker assigned to my mother. Needless to say, not a pleasant way to enjoy my b-day.

My mother never once acknowledged my birthday. My girls made me a simple sweet b-day card. My hubby left me a cute card on my keyboard. My best friend seemed to have forgotten all about it although she did cook a huge amount of food and my family had dinner via her. At least I didn't have to cook. Another friend whom I was in contact via email didn't remember. I didn't remind anyone either. Doc did remember. As a matter of fact he REALLY remembered. I saw him last night and he gave me the card and then he gave me the necklace.

It's not a good picture of the necklace but there are three sapphires in the circles.

I kept reading the front of it. I even asked him if he REALLY meant this and his answer was yes. You have to understand that he is not free with those deep feelings or emotions concerning me. When you open the card it plays a tune - She's Some Kind Of Wonderful.

He made up for all the other people who forgot. So my day which started out crappy ended up pretty darn good.

It all started 45 years ago October 2 at 8:30 a.m. I was born into the family I would live with until I was 20 years old. I went from that family to living with my husband and creating a home of our own. After sharing a few years with just the hubby, we decided to have a family. Of course it took a while to accomplish that feat but we did succeed, not once but twice. I am the luckiest person on this earth.

No matter how much I bitch, complain, suffer, etc., I will always be the luckiest person to have married a good man and have two beautiful, intelligent daughters. Not only have I surrounded myself with wonderful people, I have "things" in my life that make living comfortable and I have experienced many rewarding adventures that are wonderful memories. I am the luckiest person!!!

I'm not perfect. I am not judgmental. I have a lot of compassion and passion. I will go out of my way to please those I choose to please. I am basically a kind person. I like to think as I turn 45 that even though I have done and/or am doing things that are morally wrong or don't fit into society's way of thinking that the person whom I am inside is someone I can love. That is what is important to me.

There is always room for someone to be a better person and I'm hoping that I still have time for more improvement, but it will be my decision. I don't plan on telling someone else how to live their lives (i.e. daughters) and I don't expect someone to tell me how to live mine.

And now I'm rambling.......Morning is gonna come pretty darn quick.....night

I have to admit that this past weekend was different. Thursday my hubby left for his fishing trip.  I ended up Thursday taking my mom to two different doctor appointments. She has managed to "hog up" most of my day's off during the coming weeks with doctor appointment and/or tests. Needless to say I wasn't happy but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to say anything negative and I know it would come out sounding terrible.

Friday I worked and ended up going to Wal-Mart/Sam's for printer ink since I didn't have any black. My mother called me and informed me that the agency that was sending people out to help her didn't want to come out anymore cause they couldn't find anyone compatible with her. They said she was mean to the girls. At first I kept my mouth shut. Then it came out.....I told her this doesn't surprise me. She is disrespectful. She was downright disrespect yesterday in the doctor's office. She is bossy. She is totally negative. She is VERY demanding. When I told her of this, she didn't believe it. She was obviously upset and I felt bad for her but I also felt she needed to hear it. She needed to hear it from someone other than me.  How does someone 67 years old change? She brought up the fact that the person I was describing (her) was her mother. I said, "Yes, and if you recognize that and you don't like that behavior it is up to you to change it." I went on to tell her that I didn't bring my daughters up the way I was brought up and that is what next generations do. If they recognize something that isn't right or they didn't like, they change it for their children. Unfortunately, my mother is in denial of things she did as I was growing up. Time will tell now as to what happens with this information she received. I will be the dutiful daughter and help her recognize things that people would take as being mean since she can't seem to recognize them. I will even help her become a nicer person if that is what she desires. We'll see how that works.

This was my weekend with Doc. It started out Friday night watching him bowl and then going to his house. I was exhausted and actually crashed before 11:30. I NEVER crash that early. I was tired. I asked him to wake me up when he woke up (he usually wakes up in the middle of the night for unknown reasons) but he said I was sleeping too soundly. I admit that I was kinda disappointed that he didn't . It would have been a perfect time to "get happy." Oh well. Breakfast and he went into the clinic for a little. We spent Saturday closing up his pool and he had a baseball game. Actually kinda boring and I was thinking of other things I would have rather been doing but I kept thinking, things will be better. Saturday night came and because of the work done that day, I was tired and again crashed early. Again, I asked that he wakes me up. Again, it didn't happen. But this time, I coped an attitude and left him have that attitude. I ended up in tears and he ended up feeling bad for disappointing me. I just rolled my eyes to it. I can't figure that out about him and I probably never will. I've told him what I like, what makes me happy, etc. He means well but his indifference is pushing me away. I left tonight feeling very disappointed about this weekend. He knew that and apologized to me repeatedly. Why that apology didn't mean anything to me is just part of the way I have been feeling for months now.

I love the man but his emotional wall that is built up around him is killing me. I hear him tell me how much I mean to him. I hear him tell me that he has never felt this way about another woman. I hear all these things that I should be jumping for joy about but there is no jumping to be done. I'm a woman who needs actions. I need to see those words play out in actions. Yeah I'm needy. Words mean little to me when the actions don't follow up the words being said. Thus my disappointment this weekend. Thus my attitude. So all in all, a disappointing weekend in the intimacy department. My birthday is one week from now. He pretty much blew it off last year and assured me that he wouldn't do that again - so we'll see.

I came home and was so happy to see the hubby. At least him I understand more.

I don't understand how I can change so much about the Doc relationship over the littlest things. Why does it matter to me? Why do I feel so bad when things don't always fall into place? I think a lot of that is because of my expectations. Expectations I have of myself, of him and of the relationship. I really need to work on that expectation thing. I need it drilled into my head that everyone doesn't think like I do. Everyone is not as considerate as I might be about certain circumstances. People are not like me when it comes caring about someone. Not everyone is a giver. Some takers don't have a clue how to give and those people I can limit in my life. (Therapist's advice) I cannot change anyone who doesn't have the desire to change. Now if only I can apply that...

I was going to address a comment left on the last post but decided it didn't matter to me enough to devote time to it. Maybe in another post called judgmental people.  :)

I wish everyone a great week and hope that it only gets better as the days go by...