Here I sit Tuesday early afternoon blogging and dragging my feet. It all started this morning when I was ready to "clock in" but instead the phone rang.....my mother sounding desperate as usual......she wanted me to come up and get her something hot to drink. I reluctantly said I would but that I wasn't going to stay....There was something in her voice that told me I had better go even though I just thought it was yet another attempt to dominate my life with hers as she has tried to do for most of my life.

I get up there and she is in bed shivering and stating that she can't stop shivering and that it was too cold in there. I do the daughterly thing and make her a cup of tea and some oatmeal. She ended up letting the dog spill the half cup of tea that I gave her on her bed and her night gown. She then goes to the potty (which is in her room) and I help her get dressed. When she went to get up from the potty I should have known she was too weak. I should have known what was going to happen. In my mind it played out before it actually happened but I was hanging onto hope....hope that I was wrong about what was about to happen. Her knees started to buckle and she slowly went down. I tried to get the wheelchair under her but her butt was too low...I tried to keep her up but her 315 pounds were just too much for me and she went down on her knees. I knew she couldn't stay like that so I tried to help her to her butt....she kinda went down hard on her right hip. By this time the tears are flowing from my eyes and I am momentarily blinded....thoughts of the time she went down outside in the rain when I was transferring her to the car came flashing through my head....this couldn't be happening....not again......

I began to feel sick in the stomach to the point of wanting to dry heave as there was nothing in my stomach to come up.....I felt so helpless yet again. No more than 20 minutes before this incident I was telling her that I couldn't take care of her like she needed to be taken care of, that I was not capable of that. She told me I can't put her away in a home or I might as well order her coffin now. She told me I could take care of her, it's just our personality clash (if that's what you call it). I told her it's more than that. I can't do anything to please her. She started to argue with me that that was not true so I asked her to name one thing and she couldn't.....she was thinking and then said - "well you came up this morning".....I told her that is not what I meant. It was left at that. We were both upset and she told me at her first attempt to stand from the potty "look how you make me" meaning I have upset her to the point she is weak and shaken. I know in my heart that I do upset her but she was in that state before our "discussion" that upset her.

She really does expect too much from me. Our mother-daughter relationship is not what old tv shows are made of or even those mother-daughter relationships where they are actually friends. It never really was and I don't expect it ever really will be. Don't pity me, pity her for missing out on it because of her stubbornness.

I have made sure that my daughters and I would NEVER go down that road and well....my oldest is 21 and my youngest is 19 and I can honestly say that I have succeeded in that area. I praise God for that every day!!!!

So she is on the floor, cold and shaking and she supposedly called 911 - I have no idea what she did but the ambulance did arrive only because they know her and where she lives. Also by this time a woman my mother had called before she fell showed up. After my mother fell I was trying to think of people who could help me get her up and I had called my friend hoping that her father was available. She eventually called me back but by that time the ambulance was on the way. I thanked her and told her I would call her back later. She was at my mom's house in 15 minutes. I didn't ask her to come but I was so thankful to see her. She was my emotional support. She also was a nurse which is comforting in its own way.

Back to my mother........there she is sitting on the floor. Her friend is sitting there with her and I can't even bear to be around her. I felt nothing but sadness for her. I felt no big emotional burst to comfort her, hug her or even to tell her it would be alright. Something has to be wrong with me. How can I be so cold towards my mother. What is wrong with me?!!?? I don't feel that way about other people. I have become this ice-cold emotionless person when it comes to her. I beat myself up about this all the time. I have mentioned it in therapy. I have tried to figure it out.

I'm not that way...I have a heart, I have emotions, I love her but it just doesn't surface around her. A lot of this emotionlessness I know has to do with resentment, anger about her selfishness but you would think if I realize this that I should be the person to do something about it. She isn't going to change - that change has to come from me. God will help me see how to do that...I hope.

Flashes of my friend's grandmother always come up when my mother falls. Her grandmother lived alone, was in a wheelchair. One day she fell in transfer from wheelchair to bed and cut her leg. Apparently she was on Coumadin (a blood thinner) and couldn't reach the phone. Her son (my friend's father) found her a day or so later dead, sitting by her bed in a pool of blood. What a horrible way to die!!! I even related this story to my mother thinking that it will open her eyes as to how dangerous her living there can be. I don't think she let it sink in.

And now here I am sitting typing this when I need to get into the hospital to see what is going on. I know that she will be there for a long time and will go for x-rays and CT scans and whatever other tests and I will just wait. I should be there for support but I don't feel capable of that. I felt this morning on the verge of an emotional meltdown. If you never felt one of them than you can't relate but if you did then you know that you literally can't think for yourself. Decisions can't be made. But I have now calmed down, regrouped, talked to my friend, talked to Doc and felt comforted by both of them to make the journey to my mother's bedside. I need to be strong for her, I need to be strong for myself and I hope I am able to show her some love.

Ironically, she just called from the ED. She said she has a high fever and they haven't figured out why. This is how it is when she goes in there - high fever, high white count and they can't figure out why. Usually a urinary infection shows up. Well, I told her I was coming in. She didn't ask why I haven't been there but I'm sure she was thinking it cause every question I asked her on the phone she made the comment - I guess you'll have to come in and ask them and see what's going on. *sigh* She's 67 but acts 89. I need to face reality as much as she does.

Say a prayer for her. She needs it.

As for me....well my answer (jokingly of course)for all of this is to run away

Here it is the wee hours of Thursday morning and what am I doing? Blogging of course. Actually I meant to get on earlier this week but man I have been busy. Busy doing meaningless things that just tie up my time. Yeah work including.

Speaking of work, I got my yearly evaluation today. It wasn't a bad one but it wasn't one of my better ones. Of course the problems I was having 8 months ago brought it down a peg or two. I didn't feel that was addressed very well in the evaluation. I made a lot of headway from my last evaluation to this one but all they counted were the numbers - whoopie. The "average" of those numbers didn't demonstrate the struggle and effort I put forth to bring everything up to an above-acceptable level. The sad thing is our evaluations reflect the amount of pay increase we get. Mine didn't amount to anything but at least it was something. Twenty-seven cents an hour times it by 8 and you get 2.16 additional each day, so you take that by 5 and now it's 10.80 a week extra and finally take that by 52 and you get 561.60 for the year. Ugh still isn't looking that great but I'll just do better for the next time.

Today is my first day off for the next five days. I probably should get to bed because I have so much to do. I'm leaving Friday morning and heading to the ocean for the weekend. I've been going there for the past 4-5 years with some girlfriends from girl scouts. Generally, I shop, catch up on reading and generally just be lazy. This year my one best friend isn't going. She's going away with her husband for their anniversary. It won't be the same without her. We are so much alike, it's always fun. The other five women going are pretty fun to be around so I'm sure that even though I'll be missing my friend, I'll still have a good time.

This year I borrowed Doc's metal detector and plan on spending some time combing the beach for hidden treasures... This should be fun as I have never done it before. I may be the only one doing it as the other women probably have "classes" planned -the girl scout part of the weekend.

Typically on this weekend, I'm usually up to watch the sunrise.

This is the sunrise from last year. I slept out on the balcony on that day. I couldn't stand being in bed and listening to everyone snoring or excuse me...breathing heavy. So, I took the chair out from the room, the bed cover, of course my coat and gloves and bundled up and stayed out there till the sun came up. There's just something about that sea air.

This picture was actually taken on my cell phone two years ago but we stay in the same hotel each year.

Well in addition to being lazy, treasure hunting, I'm planning on doing some thinking. Mainly about what direction my life is going in. How I'm coping mentally and physically with living this double life and what I want out of both relationships. I'll probably do quite a bit of thinking about my oldest daughter and what I can do for her in regards to her low self esteem and graduating from college.

That reminds me. My baby turned 19 yesterday. I'm really starting to feel old.


Well, I'm calling it a day and heading to bed. I still have quite a few blogs to catch up on before I leave so I don't have as much when I get home.

Take care everyone!!!

Well, obviously I didn't make as much headway with the mother issues as I thought or I can look at it as I did make a lot of headway....Let me explain.

For the past 8 years at least, I have accommodated my mother in whatever she wanted. When her mother was sick and my dad wasn't available or refused to take her, I took her to see her. She lived an hour away. I changed whatever I was doing and took her. There was one point when she was close to her death that I took my mother to the nursing home and we ended staying the night. I had to change a lot of plans for that time including work. I took her to her best friend's viewing. I took her to doctor appointments even when my father was alive. When my father was sick and in the hospital (week or two before he died), every time I went in to see him, I took her along. I wasn't able to spend any of those times one on one with him and I would have liked that very much. I suppose I could have insisted on it or went to see him without saying anything to her but that didn't feel right with me. Then my father died and I became his replacement in doing the running, taking her to all her appointments, seeing that she had the things she needed. My brother helped a little but not when it came to taking her places. As I had said in previous blogs, it wore me down, I went to counseling, I was put on drugs...blah blah blah and I'm here today. I feel I am handling things relatively well. I can only spend limited time with her before I start to get antsy and short tempered but better than a year ago.

Well, Friday night my family and I had plans to go to a wedding reception. I had informed my mother that day when I was at her home that we would not be available that night because we were going to this reception. It was 45 minutes before we were leaving and she called and wanted to know if I could take her to see her brother who isn't doing very well (he has cancer). This is her only living member of her family. They have not spoken to each other very much over the past 20 or so years. She was stubborn and he was stubborn. He has a wife who didn't like my mother and my mother didn't really like her I guess. Bottom line is that they hardly communicated with each other even when their mother and father and brothers died. Sad but that is the type of mentality in that family. It seems that his wife was "allowing" my mother to see her brother because he is close to dying. I think my mother needs to make amends with her brother and seeing him at this time is probably a good thing for her.  Well, it turns out that my brother wasn't going to take her. She calls me back and wasn't nice about "asking". I informed in as calm of a voice as I could that for the past 8 years I have accommodated her and changed my plans to meet her needs. She started to argue with me that it wasn't that long......missing my point. Well after she hung up on me, I immediately felt guilty. Should I change my plans yet again to accommodate my mother. I agree that she should make peace with her brother but why do I have to be the one to take her yet again?

I thought about what my therapist had told me about feeling guilty and not letting myself go down that path. I had almost convinced myself that this was really an important event and I should just take her and forget about anything I had planned. But I held my ground. My brother refused to take her for his own reasons.

Maybe if things were different in the past and I wasn't trying to be stronger. Should I back down and just take her....then what about the next time and the next time - when will it stop. Won't each time be as important as the next.

My brother made a good suggestion. She could talk to him on the phone. Did she at least check into that. My brother said he will mention that to her Sunday morning when he stops in.

Right before we leave for the reception, she calls again and claims she had the wrong number and asks the oldest daughter who answered the phone she thought we were going away. My oldest said she said it in a way like she was checking on us. This is how my mother "works. When we left the reception, I checked my cell and saw I had a message. Checked it and it was her asking if we could stop by her house to put some food away. To me this is my mother's way of knowing when the reception was over - keeping tabs on us. *sigh*

So we stop and I put the food away and we leave right away. We didn't chit chat. I probably would have snapped at her.

Oh I left something out. I talked to my brother after the first time my mother called me. He was at her house and called me back after he left. He told me she started on him about everything they (my mom and dad) did for me and this is how I treat her......he said he stopped her and told her that this is why he didn't bring his kids around because she always bashes my family when she is upset or doesn't get her own way with us and he didn't want that to happen to his family. She expected to put me down and trash me and my brother took up for me. He went on to inform her that if it wasn't for me that she wouldn't be going to the places she does go to.

So needless to say I was a tad upset when we got home. When I feel this pressure, my first instinct is to run - hide somewhere - get away from it (if only momentary). Hubby knew how I was feeling and feels almost helpless in moments like this. He is aware of the high anxiety she causes in me.

I figured then and there that I was going to Doc's. Told hubby I was running away and I didn't know if I was coming back home. It has now become almost a joke with us when the tension mounts in me and my need to run. I asked him if he wanted a quick BJ before I left. What man is going to turn that down? So after changing clothes and taking care of hubby....I left. Doc didn't know I was coming. He was pleasantly surprised.  

Doc and I didn't talk about what happened. As a matter of fact, we hardly talked. I went to the bedroom and laid down and fell asleep. Next thing I know I feel him getting in bed next to me, I look at the clock and it's around midnight. I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up later to go to the bathroom and should have went home but instead I went back to sleep.

I know running away wasn't the solution. I wasn't looking for a solution. I just wanted some piece and quiet - no phone calls, no dealing with things that I would have had to deal with at home. Going to Doc's, I don't have to deal with them there. I came home today and things were calmer. I was calmer. Hubby knew that I had to get away. With working at home, I don't get away from home like those who go somewhere on a daily basis. I enjoy the times I do get out whether it be with family or friends. 

Wow, one whole year of blogging. What committment!

In thinking back over that year I have to say that I have personally come a long way.

A year ago I was being told by my bosses that I needed help in dealing with my mother because my work was suffering and if I didn't improve I would have to come back into the hospital to work rather than work at home - YIKES!! Now one year later, I have done a complete turn around. I am back to making bonuses every month, I have improved my quality and I feel much better about work, not as much pressure.

As for dealing with my mother, in a year's time I have been put on an antidepressant and an ADD medication, both work for me. I quit smoking in April and feel healthier. I am seeing a therapist and because of that have come a really long way in dealing with my mother. There is still more work to do in that area but I feel better about it and that is important.

I am dealing with my relationships better. Hubby and I are getting along better. He is being more affectionate to me and not just in bed when he wants sex. We are actually spending some time together and it's going good. Doc and I are on a different level. There is more respect than before. I don't feel 100% trusting yet but I definitely feel more trusting than a year ago. Although he doesn't say the L word, he has all but said it in his actions and things he has said. We have become better friends and are totally comfortable around each other. We definitely want each other in our lives.

I still fight with myself regarding those two relationships but I am more content with them. That may not make sense but for a lack of a better word, content seems to fit.

Within this year, I am getting along with my brother better. A friend has come back into my life and that relationship is getting patched up which I am very thankful for.

Within this year, I was able to travel to Hawaii and experience the beautiful islands. I look forward to returning some day.

Within this year, my youngest daughter graduated high school and started her first year of college. My oldest daughter entered her last year of college and turned 21. I am so proud of them and that has gotten even stronger in the past year.

I feel stronger mentally and emotionally. I still have rambling thoughts and I still have room for improvement in every area but I haven't given up.

I believe the year to come will bring even more excitement, contentment, proudness and all those other positive feelings.

For everyone on the stream who has been supportive of me, I thank you for your kind comments and your understanding. I know that my relationships bother some people but most can look beyond that and see the person I am and for that ability, thank you for not judging.

For the turmoil that has happened on the stream. I think maturity comes to mind along with respect to others and yourself. Rehashing past actions whether right or wrong doesn't solve anything but stir up negative feelings and create drama. Let it go - enjoy peace

Thank you again

I'm not one to make waves and usually avoid confrontations - that's just the way I am. Some say that is laid back, some say that is lazy, some say that is cowardness.....whatever....I really don't care. Call it what you want. I'm dedicating this post tomy views of the stream. Let me write that again - MY VIEWS 

It was always my understanding that a blog was a place for a person to write whatever they wanted. All the blog sites that I have visited on the net have included an area where people can comment.

Some people write and hope that others will comment about what they wrote. Some people just write to record thoughts and perhaps let friends/family read those. Some people don't care if they get comments. And there are some people who thrive to be heard and to have comments telling them they are heard.

I have seen all these types and more on the stream. I will be honest and admit that there are some  bloggers that annoy me, some upset me, some even bring out anger in me but very rarely will you see a comment from me on those blogs. I simply have nothing positive to say, so I say nothing.

There are some blogs that I find funny but not haha kind of funny, more the "I can see through that person kind of funny." These are the people who leave comments on other's blogs saying one thing and contradict themselves on their own blogs or vice versa. Hypocrites I believe is the word used for this. I'm not naming names. I have no need to name names - it really doesn't matter who they are just that they exist - I think most people are intelligent enough to see it happening. It happens in the world so of course it will happen on the stream.

There are even people on the stream who dedicate an entire blog picking on someone else from the stream. It is my thought that these people have way too much time on their hands to do this. I can't even imagine using the energy on such a thing.

Then there are the people who comment and don't even have a blog. What is that?

Of course like any community we have those who push their beliefs to the limit- whether it be politics, religion or just stuff to cause controversy. If you dare to comment on these blogs be prepared to defend yourself if you disagree - you just might have a blog dedicated to bashing you.

Now if you are reading this and it is making you angry or some other emotion that you want to rip my head off my neck - just stop reading and move on. There are thousands of other blogs to read. These are just my views and observations from surfing the stream. They are not directed to any one person or blog. If you feel they are - well maybe you are guilty of something I am writing.

As for me and my blog and where I fit in the scheme of things on the stream. I'm just a woman who chooses to stay anonymous (for obvious reasons), who will not say negative things on another person's blog, will respect that person by not doing that and write about the things I feel I need to get "off my chest." I'm not looking for a larger number of people to visit my blog, or the number of comments I receive or the number of people who bookmark me.

Generally speaking, the people who comment to me have been respectful and kind. Okay so I've been told I was sick and maybe that was what that person believed and felt she just had to share - sobeit. It didn't change how I looked at things. It didn't change how I felt about myself which is really what is important in all this.

There are some really nice people on the stream and those are the blogs I migrate to and generally comment on. These people have earned my respect by being people who have qualities which I admire. I have felt connections with some of them and I enjoy that connection. I feel there is more positive vibes on the stream because I choose to flow towards that positive energy and leave the negative blogs, negative comments and negative bloggers to paddle in the mud. That is my choice. That is a choice we all have.

I have seen some supposingly adults act like children on here - that amazes me still. I have read "I took you off my list cause you took me off your list" kind of things. I have seen bloggers delete comments and let it be shown they deleted the comment because they didn't agree with a comment - heck - don't allow any then. Right?  I just move on down the stream........I believe I have enough to deal with in my life than to watch children at play on the internet.

I particularly like the blogs that share pictures of the scenery around their area, or their pets or pictures that they took of anything and are willing to share; blogs that tell life stories. It amazes me how much I am able to learn about myself by reading other's thoughts on their lives. I enjoy the blogs that are dedicated to entertain us with jokes and/or comics and/or amusing stories. That is so sweet of those people to bring smiles to our lips. There is a lot of positive on the stream!!!!

What do I wish to accomplish by posting this? Mostly just expressing something that I have been thinking about for the past couple of weeks. I don't expect comments (good or bad) on something I'm expressing. For some reason I felt I need to clarify that but if you are so inclined to comment, I appreciate the time it takes and the thought that goes into it. I hope everyone has a good week!!!