The road ahead is like the road behind.
The dreams achieved revise the dreams to come.
Mind shapes world, and new-shaped world shapes mind,
As what you are steps back from what you've done.

The deeper you resides in its own space,
Sheltered like a yolk from wind and tide,
Filled with unimaginable grace
To wander through the paradise inside.

Ambitious girl! Become what dream you will,
And sail across each dark, forbidding sea.
Within, the fawn will graze sweet meadows still,
Untouched by all the phantoms you will be.

Time tends to make the biggest problems small. It heals the bitterest and deepest wound. There is no pain, no agony at all That Time won't turn into some sweet, sad tune. So let Time take you as a river flows Beyond the violent rapids where you are. There are things that every woman knows Once she can see her tempests from afar. When you are young, your choices wait on you, Or if they disappear, there'll soon be more. The things you love and lose, the words you rue, Sometimes, when you look back, look like a door.

 

Thank you to all who have commented and supported me in the past year plus. It was very much appreciated and you may never know just how much those comments and/or graphics have meant to me. Thank you!

 

I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS

 

 

I would like to apologize to everyone who has written me and I have not gotten back them. I'm not that rude naturally but I have been overwhelmed and it's catching up with me. I should have been updating my blog but unfortunately the depression during the times I was able overtook me and I came up blank with expressing my feelings. I have had many feeling believe me but it only depressed me more to convey them in this form. I fight every day to dig myself out of it. I believe I do a very good job when face to face with people but when I'm alone, I don't do so well.

As a quick update, my mother wasn't excepted in the ONE rehabilitation nursing home she said she would go to because of her weight. Apparently this home has a weight limit. She then refused to go anywhere else. I again told her that I wasn't approving of the fact that she wanted to come home without some kind of rehabilitation. To make a long story short, I brought her home after a two-week stay in the hospital. She had arranged for a friend to stay with her nights and VNA was working with her regarding her issues (home care, wound care and physical therapy). I was agreed to be her power of attorney and have taken over her money issues (which in the long run will be to her benefit since she has no control over her spending).

She has been trying since being home to talk to me differently and to not demand as much from me. However, this last week has been more than trying as things seem to be reverting back to how they were before and I just will not put up with that.

I appreciate everyone's prayers and well wishes. I truly do appreciate them and they have turned into a bright spot in my bleary outlook on things. I know myself and I know this all will get better (I'm not a total pessimist)but right now I can't climb out of the hole.

There is more to this story and I will elaborate more hopefully very soon as it does feel good to put it down and read it and reread it.

If I could run away and not feel guilty, I honestly believe I would. No doubt to warmer weather.

Thank you again for the thoughts and prayers. I have been blessed to "meet" some really thoughtful, caring people on the stream. Thank you!

It's been several days now with my mother in the hospital. Things have progressed to where I visited her for the first time today. Here's what has been happening:

She has been diagnosed with sepsis. They are trying to get that under control with antibiotics.

She has been calling regularly and sounding confused at times. She called my cell phone last night and left messages each time begging me to call her and finally on the last message she referred to my dad. She told me if I loved my dad I would come to visit her and not do this. Wow talk about manipulation. When I said something to her today, she denied saying it. She honestly didn't remember saying.

I talked to her doctor today and he questioned me about her confusion and paranoia. Some of that was normal but she is worse since being in there. I was concerned about this. I asked him to have psychiatry see her. I left her know that they would be seeing her. She agreed.

I also was able to convince her the need to have her admitted to a nursing home for rehabilitation. I gave her the goal of getting stronger and losing weight so she could manage herself at home. At first she agreed and then the next time it came up in conversation, she got teary eyed and begged not to be put in a nursing home. I again explained to her that I was not capable of taking care of her at home in the condition she was in and I was NOT going to bring her home until she was. I didn't give in. She now seems to be okay with it and isn't going back and forth between wanting and not wanting.

Today I went in to see her. I took in several things I knew she would like to have and of course a picture of Bentley. The minister from her church was there and did a healing ceremony in which I participated. For as "religious" as my mother says she is she isn't very spiritual. Let me explain. She is scared to death of dying. It has always been my thinking that if you believed in God, Jesus and the holy spirit as she says she does that there is nothing to fear about dying.

She will be talking to the lawyer about putting my brother and myself as power of attorney. Neither one of us particularly want it but we do want what is best for our mother.

She has been treating me better since our break from each and my attitude towards is softer, firm but softer. I am not going to sugar coat things and I'm certainly not going to lie to her. I will talk to her in a way she will understand. With her being confused, that means she needs things simple. We will get through this.

It's kind of a weight off my shoulders in the sense that she won't hurt herself in her own home and there will be people around her who can help her. I'm hoping with the weight of the responsibility of her being at home lifted that our relationship can be less dramatic now. Time will tell.

This weekend otherwise was uneventful. Hopefully the week will be better than the last.

I know this is early Thursday morning but I will be writing about Wednesday....The alarm clock was ringing, I think I had already hit the snooze one or two times when the phone rang. My oldest brought it to me and told me it was my friend (the nurse). She said she was sorry she was calling so early but she wanted me to know or rather give me a heads up.

Apparently my mother talked to a social worker when she was in the ED. She proceeded to tell this social worker that basically I was verbally abusive to her and that I was reluctant to help her.

I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. Is this my mother's perception of me? Does she see everything through foggy glasses or what? Needless to say I was devastated and cried most of the morning. This is the same woman who called me up last night to tell me I needed to call the doctor cause they didn't give her any of her medicine and she needed her Lasix. This is the same woman who told me (notice I didn't say ask) that she wasn't fed dinner and I should call and let them know. She never asks, it has always been an "order".

I pulled myself together enough to make some phone calls. First I called my husband - cell phone off. Next I called my brother. I left him know what I found out and he couldn't believe it either. His comment was to the effect "wow she really is cutting off the hand that helps her the most." I also made a call to my therapist. She made time to see me later in the day. The next call went to the Area Agency of Aging to talk to my mom's case manager. I had to leave a message.

I was upset but I was now beginning to get angry. How dare that woman say those things about me to get her own way? There was no way anyone who knew her would believe that about me. Everyone I talked to today told me that. But my point is that I work at that hospital and I have a good reputation and now she says this - wow! I know I haven't verbally abused my mother. I have been pushed to my limits a lot by her and I have raised my voice in an argumentative way but never did I demean her, call her names or put her down. Wow! I can't believe it.

I made a decision also - there was no way I was going to the hospital to see her. I was not going to pick her up from the hospital and take her anywhere. If I am so upsetting to her I will take myself out of the picture. I have my husband's support. I have my daughters' support and I have my brother's support knowing full well that it will become harder on him. He can't believe I have done as much as I have done for her and lasted this long. Go Figure huh?

She didn't call me at all - not once. I also didn't get a call from the caseworker she talked to at the hospital. I did find out since though that my mother refused to go in counseling with me when offered by the social worker stating that it would more detrimental than helpful. She also refused to have the social worker talk to me about it. Of course she is going to refuse these things because then the truth will be known.

I honestly don't know if my mother realizes how much she relied on my family. She is going to get a rude awakening I'm afraid.

I finally did talk to the Area Agency of Aging case manager and I told her what has happened Tuesday and how my mom ended up in the situation she is in now. I didn't mention what I knew about the conversation between my mother and the caseworker but I did let on that my mother is very dramatic and manipulative (as she already knew by the fact that she has a hard time finding someone to come out and care for her for five hours a week) and that my mother will say that I'm mean to her, etc cause she doesn't like what I have to say about her being safe in her own home.

Tonight or rather early this morning, I called into the hospital and got a report on my mother. When my brother was in to see her last evening, she wouldn't wake up and apparently they had just given her a shot of morphine for some leg pain she was complaining about. The nurse who was taking care of her could tell she was a complainer and was rather obnoxious until she got her own way. I asked her to leave my name and number for the caseworker assigned to her to call me in the morning. Don't you think they deserve to hear my side?

I know my mother has no clue the severity of her "complaint" about me. Verbal abuse of an elderly can bring about legal charges - my state deems that just as severe as physical abuse. If it is mentioned in my conversation with the caseworker I will ask her to clarify the ramification of this statement with my mother and the consequences of her even saying it even when proved wrong. She literally has cut off the hand that took care of her.

My therapy appointment today was all about what has been happening. As my therapist said to me - anyone who knows my mother and knows me will know that there is no way I am verbally abusive to her. She has always been telling me that I enable her too much. I make things too easy for her by doing too much. I guess it just took those two words coming from my mother to really hit it home. The therapist wanted to know if I was okay with my decisions I made today and I told her I was right now. I admit I did falter a little after talking to my brother and the fact that they were giving my mother morphine knowing the consequences (constipation, weakened state, etc) but it was short lived. I am trying to be stronger.

Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers. I truly appreciate it. I also appreciate my family who in their own quirky ways are always supportive of me. I appreciate my best friends who know EVERYthing about me and still accept me. I am fortunate enough to have them - each fulfilling everything one could ask for in a friend. It will be their love, the love of my family, the support of the beautiful people on the stream that will see me through this mess.