I have tried it, thinking positive, looking at things differently, avoiding those things that make me sad or irritate me, but I still can't seem to climb out of the dark, empty pit. I'm afraid it's getting deeper and unless there is a really, really bright light to guide me out, I may never feel there is a way out.
I'm so tired. Not a physical tired, more of a mental tiredness. Even though therapy has taught me how to be stronger when it comes to dealing with my mother, because I am her daughter and I still have that tie along with the tie through my daughters, it is becoming more of a burden. I keep thinking that I'm not trying hard enough, not using enough patience when dealing with her. I feel as if I'm slipping deeper into the pit every time I talk to her or have to deal with her. I worry about her all the time - not just health worries but a worry that she is going to put herself in some kind of situation that I will have to bail her out of. I don't want to be in that position. I don't want the responsibility. I feel like a terrible daughter when I feel that way. I think about my own daughters and their view on how I am with my mother. I see how they are treating their grandmother - they want to avoid her too. She just is not a pleasant woman. Sad really. Sometimes I think she has a clue and other times I think she is so self focused that she absolutely has no clue.
Friday she had an auctioneer come to her house and take away quite a bit of stuff to sell. She asked my oldest to come up to do something unrelated to this and when my daughter got there, she began telling her to do things related to selling her furniture(empty drawers, etc.). My mother told my oldest not to say anything to me. Of course my daughters have loyalty to me and tell me things they are not suppose to tell me - mostly out of concern that their grandmother is loony and she is my responsibility. She got rid of quite a few pieces of her antiques. She has no dresser now for her clothes. Her TV sits on the floor cause it once sat on the dresser in her room. Her living is more bare now cause she got rid of three collections of Americana stuff, chicken stuff and elephants. She did ask the girls if they wanted any of the stuff. They called me and asked me. I told them to get the elephants we had gotten her over the years from the places we had visited. I figured I would give them to my niece who collects the elephants. She didn't call me to ask me if there was anything I wanted. She gave the girls her wedding ring and let them pick out a ring of their choice - she then gave the rest to the auctioneer to sell. She never once asked her other granddaughters (My brother's daughters) if they wanted anything. She was doing all this to size down and for the money.
I'm not sure how much money she thinks she will be getting as the auctioneer will be keeping 20%. It was suppose to be 25% but since my daughters helped to load it, he reduced it to 20% - how generous
Again, nothing was said to me.
I probably wouldn't have taken anything but I think it was just the idea that irritated me the most. She has promised my youngest an antique bookcase. She has already sold two of them and there is one more. She has mentioned that I was to get this one bow china and that my sister-in-law was to get another china she has (both antiques). I honestly have no place for it but I would like to see something like that go to my daughters. I have heard that she told my brother-in-law (he does her taxes and stuff) that she is planning on living there until Spring. Hmm.....we'll see. But since she is getting rid of her stuff - who knows. I probably should start looking for different places.
I know that attitude plays a big part in all the feelings I'm having and the feeling of the dark, empty pit. I just can't seem to adjust my attitude.
Three more weeks before I take my certification test and I haven't studied like I wanted to study. I'm still going to take it regardless of how much I have studied and pray for the best. I don't even feel pressure from that as much as I do from her.
She has a woman who comes to her house to help her with her care yet she still asks me to wash her hair. What does she have the woman do? hmmm....good question. I know that washing her hair is not that big of a deal but understand that it's just not washing her hair, it's ten other things and then she complains about it to her friends after the fact. Just frustrating.
Thank you for allowing me to vent. Don't feel sorry for me. I know I will be okay once I get out of the pit, once I have more control over my own life. All things take time, I hope I have the time.
