I'm writing this to try to overcome some of the sadness I'm feeling at this moment. One side of me says - this is for the better but the emotional side of me is hurting so bad I know what they mean by the pain of a broken heart. My lover who is also my best friend is contemplating starting to date. Understand that I was exclusive for years. This is breaking my heart. I wanna understand his reasoning and in a way I do but in the same sense I don't. We "discussed" this for well over four hours tonight. I became this bitter woman full of sarcasm and I didn't recognize me but it just came flooding out. I know I hurt him with my stinging words and for a moment or two I was happy about that and wanted it to hurt him as much as it was hurting me. He has a void in his life and even though he has fallen in love with me (and back out of it so he says) it isn't enough and the fact that I don't leave the other lover, it just has become too much for him I suppose. The way he presented it to me was unacceptable, I knew it was coming but more nice words should have been spoken. Maybe he didn't want to get my hopes up. I don't know but I know I'm hurting so bad. I have cried so much I don't believe there are any tears left in my eyes. He said we can finish talking about it tomorrow, that I need to get some rest. Is he serious? Like I can sleep with my heart breaking, my face swollen from sobbing so hard. I feel like I'm grieving a death of a loved one which only brings back more bad memories of my father's death and makes me sob all the more.

I feel as if I should do something to keep things as they are. But he is right, he needs to find what will fill that void. Maybe after we stop being lovers he will see that the void can only be filled by my love for him. But apparently that isn't enough anymore. I should just let things run their course but I'm not a patient woman when it comes to my emotions. I need instant gratification, instant stability in my life. I feel so lost. I feel so unloved. I want to be held in those strong arms and told that all will be okay. Maybe tomorrow when we "talk" things will be different but I doubt it. He seems pretty sure this is what he should do.

He is constantly telling me that he doesn't want to hurt me. If he believed that why is he doing this? Why is he shredding my heart to pieces. What can I say to him to convince him how much I love him, what I would do for him.

But then on the flip side, I'm bitter about this. How dare he stomp on my heart like that. I have given a lot of myself in this relationship, he only part, no comparison. I would be better off without the extra burden he presents at times. Damn him. How can I love him and hate him at the same time. Oh God this is so new to me. I haven't felt this kind of heartbreak before. I have never been told the things I have been told before. I take it all personally when I shouldn't. I am better off going this route. I can focus more on my other relationships right? But God this hurts. It hurts so much. I don't want to hear time will heal for my pain is so intense, time is an eternity. Is this what it feels like a divorce? But wait a divorce generally has mutual dislike overshadowing the happy emotions of love. I feel more love than dislike even though at certain thoughts I do hate him.

I'm being selfish yet again. He is doing this for his reasons and his sanity. But I want to see him in pain as much as I'm in pain. I want to hear him cry, see the tears stream down his face. I want to feel his arms around me telling me I am who is he wants. That he doesn't want to hurt me but love me instead.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. Time will move so slow and my hurt will hurt all the more in the anticipation of seeing him again. Oh God give me answers tonight. Help me cope. I am so hurting from a broken heart.

So much has been going on in my life. I'm using this blog as a way of expressing things I keep pent up and I do keep a lot inside, almost to the point that I feel ready to explode. That would not be a good thing. I'm afraid if I fall in pieces, there will be no way to put those pieces back together. I don't even know how to start sorting them out to even express them.

I talked with a friend today and she advised me to see professional help to deal with my stress that is now at the point of making me physically ill. Work is suffering. I have no control over things I use to have control over (feelings) and I don't know what to do. I thanked her for the advice but told her I really wasn't good at talking about myself and sharing things very personal to me. She said I didn't have to talk about anything I didn't want to but maybe a therapist could help me deal with the things that I have trouble dealing with (mostly my mother). I told her I would think about it.

Things use to be so simple. I know I can't turn back the clock. I know I can't undo what has been done. I can only move forward but how? When I get so stressed, I seek out one of my lovers and lose myself in passionate love making. Temporary fix. I need something more permanent. I'll sleep on it. A new day should bring fresh thoughts right? I know I need to do something, I just don't know how to start.

I am overwhelmed with a burning desire
A desire locked down deep inside
One that cannot be concealed anymore.

 

I long for one sweet kiss to quench my thirst
I long for one tender touch that will last a lifetime

At the end of it all you are my deepest desire!