I said I would wait to see what happens and I did. I was patient - which isn't something that comes to me easy lately. It use to when the girls were younger but as I have more stressors now, the patience is dwindling.

I saw the lover tonight. I missed him. Seems like a long time and it was only three days. Man I'm pathetic. Anyways, he explained to me why he didn't answer via email or phone and wanted to say these kind of things in person. I'm thinking, oh no this sounds really ominous. Should I just go get the tissues now? He told me there was nothing I could do to change his mind about seeing others and quickly reminded me that NOTHING has happened. He hasn't called anyone. He hasn't shown any interest in anyone. It must be a man thing - they want to think they have control when in reality they don't. He went on to explain that there is nothing I can do more than I do now that would make him feel any differently. I could even do less and he said it wouldn't change anything. I sat there like a dummy and contemplated all this. Of course I take EVERYthing personally and think I'm to blame for EVERYthing. He asked if I understood. Well hell no I don't understand. How can I be what I am to you and you still feel that way. ARGGGGGGggghhhhh. But what I did say was "sure." I needed to ponder this of course. With that said, he asked if I wanted to F&R  (F*ck and Run - our nickname for quickies) or play Upword. I was thinking F&R but said Upword. He couldn't believe I picked a game over sex. HA!!! little did he know what I was thinking. He almost sounded disappointed and mentioned this fact several times during the game.

Of course after the game, we went to the bedroom to relax. Yeah relax. That lasted about 10 minutes before it was time for "off with the clothes". Hey, if I had it my way we would have been starting this before my coat was even off when I walked in. Needless to say it was passionate and very, very nice. He is a good lover when he wants to me. Sometimes selfish but lately very attentive to my needs and I am needy Okay maybe not as needy as much as wanting to please.

I think Coloconnect said it best when she wrote that it sounds like he wants to be the only one. I just wish that didn't involve me having to make a decision

After the turmoil last week and the tenderness this weekend, I have absolutely no idea what this week is going to be like and that's okay except....I wish I knew for sure what the lover is deciding. Okay we had our talk Weds, our talk Thurs, passionate makeup sex Thurs, Fri no talk but more passionate lovemaking. I did ask him on Friday if that was our last time as lovers (meaning just staying friends without the sex) and he wanted to know why I didn't ask that question the day before. Good point. I have no clue why. He said he didn't think it was our last time. So Saturday comes around and we spent the evening cuddling in front of the fireplace watching a movie and of course sex. Needless to say when Sunday came around and I was working all day,  I was feeling withdrawal.

I had sent an email expressing some reserves I had about my life in general and there were a few questions in the email that put the ball in his court and needed his response. Well, today I asked him if he read and deleted the email I sent. He informed me that he didn't want to respond in a long letter and would rather talk in person. Okay, I'm feeling a tad dejected from last week and not into this positive thinking yet and to me that sounded ominous. That's what I said to him and he said it wasn't. hmmmm....I have no clue what this means. Part of me (the positive side peaking through) thinks that is his way of saying that he wants to keep things going as they are. Then another part of me (the cynical side) thinks that he doesn't want to break my heart anymore but is going to let me know that he is going forth with his "plan". I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

 

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

Knowledge is power.

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something.

First thanks to everyone who brought a smile to my lips and a warm feeling to my empty heart. It is nice to know that complete strangers can be compassionate to another and not be judgmental.

I feel better but feel I am walking on eggshells for the time being anyway. The day after our "talk", I stopped in to see the lover and couldn't manage to say but maybe ten words for the first 30 minutes or so. Finally, it came out. I was unbelievably calm as I had been crying pretty much through the night and into the next day. My heart had a huge hole in it and I saw no light at the end of this dark tunnel. We didn't raise our voices to each other as we usually do when we try to make a point with each other. (What is that anyway - do we honestly think that if we yell it to each other that it will sink in any better?) I blubbered uncontrollably yet again. I swear I have lost all my self control when it comes to my emotions. I have always felt that losing oneself like that was a sign of weakness and I did not want to be weak. I did manage to get mean one time and I even announced that I was thinking mean things. I told him that I hope when he "dates" another that he remembers my hole in my heart and all the pain I am feeling. I know that doesn't sound real mean. I guess it's not in my nature to be nasty. I'll have to work on that as well as being stronger. Anyway, I ended up saying something to him that just totally stripped him of his emotional protective coat he uses around me. He actually started to tear up and what did I do? Beat him when he was down? Hell no, I went over to him, hugged him and cried with him. We just held each other so tight and sobbed in each other's shoulders. I think what got him so was my determination to be his friend and let him know that I never want to see him grow old alone. I would be there for him when he can't do things himself, I would be the one to wipe the drool, wipe the butt, simply be there. You have to understand this man is 11 years older than me. He has had no luck in any of his relationships before me. Women have left their husbands to be with him only to turn around and leave him (He didn't ask them to leave, he was the rebound man). He turned into a player somewhat and when I met him I told him that I would not put up with that crap if we were to be lovers. First couple of years it was touch and go but I also saw a lot of goodness in him and he filled a void in my life. I gradually grew to love him. He stopped being a player and unbelievable as it may seem, the leopard actually did change spots.

After our sobbing, we pulled ourselves together. I was still in my coat; I guess I knew I wasn't going to stay. I was so weak from all this emotional stuff, I suggested we either go sit on the couch (we were on barstool in the kitchen) or go lay on the bed. He chose the bed. We were still fully dressed as we laid there spooning each other. He had to go to work in less than an hour and still had to get a shower and dressed for that so we knew we didn't have a lot of time for snuggling. It felt so good to be in his arms. To feel his breath on me. To feel the heat from his body. I will miss that. I don't want it to end. I don't want a void. I don't want the hole in my heart. But this isn't about me, it was about him. His decision. Finally he turned to face me and he started to kiss me, lightly at first and then a more deeper kiss with a lot of passion. Okay, you have to understand, this man does not kiss like that on his own. He always said he didn't like kissing and even though we did it before, it wasn't something we did much of. Well, needless to say it turned me on and when my hand slid down his body, he was turned on as well. Okay, I know I should have stopped it there but hey, it was what I WANTED and being the little nymph that I am I took charge and showed him how much I really did feel for him. Yeah I know, it was sex but anyone who has experienced emotionless sex versus passionate sex knows what I'm talking about. When it was over, neither one of us said a word to each other, no cigarettes were lit, no one moved from each other's arms. No words were needed. We kissed and he got up to get ready for work and I fell asleep satisfied.

But that wasn't all. Things changed between us. I sensed some of his walls were crumbling. I wasn't sure if he made the phone call to the woman and I didn't ask. The next night, last night, after cheering him on bowling, I went to his house to work on a project we were working on together. We ended up snuggling on the bed, again fully clothed at the beginning. Where it ended up was some of the most passionate lovemaking to date. I was so into him and he was so into me.

There was something gnawing in the back of my mind though. Was this the last time this would happen? I was scared to ask as we have been getting along great - it was back to carefree and light flirting. I didn't want to mess with that. But I did ask. What can I say, I'm a woman and I NEED to know. After I asked it, he asked me why I didn't ask that yesterday. I honestly didn't know. Well, he never did call the other woman and yes his answer to me was that this was not the last time.

I feel better knowing this. But I have to be realistic, it will happen again - that fight, the tears, the broken heart. But that's okay with me for now. Tomorrow is another day, there will be other weeks, months and maybe even years till it happens. All I know is that I can only take one day at a time and handle how that day plays out. I can't ask for more than that.