I've done it, I've gone off the deep end and have done things that I NEVER thought I would do least of actually do but I did them. It has to do with Doc - the compulsive jerk of a liar. We had this pack about if he was interested in someone that he would let me know to give me time to adjust to that - I really did have major feelings for this man but I was married and he was single. Well, the weekend I was at the beach he went out to lunch with a lady. I knew nothing about it. The weekend of thanksgiving and he goes home and tell his mother all about us and the fact that I was married. She wasn't happy but blamed him for knowing better. Anyway it was the weekend after that that he told me that he was interested in this woman who he already went out with but I didn't know that YET.

So I get upset but handle it much better than any other time before. He goes off on his date with her and sees me later. He informs me that in his attempt to be honest with her that he told her about me - the best friend with benefits and that I was married. I said what!!!! Why share that I was married. This man can't tell the truth and he decides now to be honest - WTF!! So, I made it clear to him that it wasn't his place to share that much with her.

We remain friends and he has to decide between his best friend and this new woman - of course he picks the new woman and I was suppose to be supportive while he pushed me out of his life - you know how best friends do. So anyway, cut to last night. I know he has a date with this woman. I had seen him Wednesday, we had sex. I saw him Thursday, we have sex. The guy could hardly maintain his hardon so I'm thinking, this is good, he won't be wanting sex with her. I was willing to accept this new woman as long as I was still able to keep my benefits. The first time he dips into her honey pot, there wasn't going to be anymore benefits. He knew this.

So crazy me and I mean crazy cause I still can't believe I did this.

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you that I found out that he had lunch with this woman while I was out of town and confronted him with it - he admitted and then went off on me how this isn't going to work (our friendship). In other words, he gets caught in a lie and all of a sudden it's not going to work - well duh I can't keep being lied to. Well, even after that blow up, we still have sex - we are fucked up that's for sure.

Okay so now back to tonight. I know that he has been lying. I know that I will never be able to trust him yet I need something to hit me like a wall of bricks. I set out tonight to spy on him. I was going to watch his house and try to figure out what was happening. One thing led to another and I was walking around the back of his house. All the doors were locked. I couldn't believe that I was attempting to go in his house. They had moved from the living room where I could see them in the front window to the bedroom. I could hear the music. I was getting sick in my stomach knowing this was what I needed to finalize the end. I actually walked in the front door. He has a bi-level home and I was able to stay downstairs - I unlocked the back door so I could easily go out if I had to. I slowly made my way upstairs and listened to them talking. AT least he wasn't fucking her - yet. I could hear her talking about me and him saying things about me - He said he didn't know that I was married until later in the relationship - that's pure bull crap as he knew that from hour one. He said that I was a friend and wanted to stay in his life blah blah blah I could tell that she wasn't happy with the fact that I was a friend with benefits. He was lying to her and I couldn't believe the outright lies. he told her that we had stopped the benefits for at least a month and he just kept telling her more and more lies. I finally made my way out of the house. It was 11 o'clock and he said he would call me before he went to bed. Well, I got in my car and called him - knowing he wasn't going to pick the phone up - I left a message to the effect - Hi, it's me, I know you said you would call but I was going to go to bed and I wanted to wish him a safe trip. I also wanted to thank him for filling me up with cum Weds and Thurs and that I loved his hard cock. Have a safe trip and see you when you get back.

I was hoping he hadn't turned the volume down. He really should have picked the phone up.

Well, I get a phone call 20 minutes later and its him. He asks how my evening was blah blah blah. He left me know that when he is gone this weekend that I am to get all my stuff out of his house and leave the key, that he doesn't want to ever see me again. I'm like what are you talking about. He explained to me that she heard the phone call. I said well why didn't he pick the phone up. I thought he was at her house cause he had told me that it was too soon to have her there. I said but that is what you told me, I figured you were just not there. He went on to accuse me of planning this and that I had probably drove by and saw that she was there. yeah yeah yeah.

So, now I'm a vindictive woman - we all knew that from before when I confiscated his x-rated movies of himself.

I didn't cry at all. I'm not even feeling bad that he said those things to me. I'm not even feeling bad that I ruined his date. Have I turned into someone I don't recognize. I better cut that out!!! I think the sooner he is out of my life and I'm able to deal with that, the better for me. I can't deal with all this emotion and still maintain sanity. I do believe I had a bout of insanity tonight. I hope things get better.

It felt good to vent it here. Read it but don't judge me - move on if that is your sole purpose for reading it. I don't feel like dealing with anyone Else's crap but my own thank you

Reflection...I keep doing that. Reflecting on where I am in life. Is this where I wanted to be 20 years ago? Where do I want to be next year let alone 10 years from now. So much has happened in the past month I'm not sure I know where to begin. My mom fell and broke her ankle in two places. This landed her in the hospital until a rehab/nursing home bed was open. She was there one week and then developed congestive heart failure and was admitted back to the hospital for a week. Now it's been four weeks since breaking the ankle. She still has not put any weight on it which makes taking care of the things we take for granted harder. They have her on Lasix which is causing her to pee more which in turn is causing her to turn the light on to call in a nurse to put the bedpan under her. I can't even begin to count how many times she has laid in urine until someone was "available" to change her bedding. She was 330 and is now down to 300 - this is a good thing for all concern. It will make taking care of her easier - well, sometimes. I have been dreading the visit to see her. It doesn't turn into a visit - more of a bitch session. I can't even begin to count how many times she has called me complaining of something and expecting me to call the nursing station to take care of it. One time I gave her the phone number to call. I become angry with her but at the same time my heart goes out to her cause I know she doesn't feel "human" in the condition she is now. She was bawling the other night about how she got in this position, how could it have happened to her. I just shook my head and said we are all responsible for the condition we are in when it comes to our weight, deconditioning, etc. She hasn't brought that up to me since. I have no pity for someone who has "left themselves go."

I love my job. Since taking on this new position, there seems to be less stress, more of a challenge and more feeling of accomplishment. The money isn't bad either.

It's that time of the year that Doc is feeling the need to date. At first I was upset. Tonight we had another spat about it and I'm to the point where I say - go ahead and ruin what we have going so you can eventually be miserable. I know I sound selfish when I talk about this situation and yes I am selfish when it comes to this situation. He hasn't lost out - I do for him more than any woman has (even the one's he has lived with) and that is what he says as well. According to him, I am his best friend. He loves me. He doesn't want to be a home-wrecker and he wants to have what I have. Whatever. He told him mother about me being his best friend with benefits and the fact that I'm married. He said her reaction wasn't what he expected but she blamed him for letting it go this long. Oh please!!! Hear the whole story before making that judgement. He had a date with one of the other's doctor's patients. They had lunch the other Saturday and then went back to his place - which was filthy because I wasn't cleaning it. He said he told her about me - me being the friend with benefits as well as being married. I read him the riot act about telling her that I was married. That was my business to disclose that - not his. Someday if she is the "one" then maybe tell her but why disclose it now. He said she didn't seem to care. Uh huh. I think we know women a lot better than that. I intercepted a phone message the Monday after that date with her telling him that she wouldn't be able to do breakfast that week cause she forgot she had a new girl to train. I deleted the message. She called him Tuesday and told him that she was off work Tuesday because she was sick. She would call him when she was feeling better. According to him, she hasn't called. I don't think she is into him like he wants to believe. I don't like her for obvious reasons. He doesn't want to make plans with me JUST IN CASE she would be available. How can he date if the only time she has available is a weekend and that is the time that I am available. Well, don't we all have decisions to make. I'm standing my ground - I am his friend. I can't be totally supportive because of the feelings beyond friendship that I have for him. I just hope he doesn't ruin it.

Everyone else in the family is doing well. The day after my mom broke her ankle, I had taken her dog of 14 years to the vet to be put down. He was getting sicker and she was having trouble taking care of him. I went in alone although my brother and husband were in the waiting room. They didn't want to be there when he was given the shot. That was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do - watch him being put to sleep. I cried two days before and at least a week after and still I cry whenever I think of that moment. At least he wasn't alone and he is now with my dad, no doubt playing Frisbee which he loved. And on that note, I'm heading to bed.

I'll be starting my new position on Wednesday. Yep, I accepted. I went in for my interview. The information she gave me was outdated (the position was in the process of being updated), she had no clue what my pay would be. Heck she didn't really know too much except what she wanted to see happen with a third quality specialist. She had high expectations and I was thinking that I would need a big pay increase to do the things she was asking for. As she was telling me these things, I was wondering what the heck she was going to do in HER job cause a lot of things she was saying were going to be quality specialist's responsibilities were hers before. So, I had a second talk with her this past Friday. I was given my evaluation at the same time. It was a good evaluation - 4% raise - and I was offered the quality specialist position. Now get this - the new wage was only 20 cents more than I was going to make with my 4% raise (this equals to almost 80 cents more an hour than I presently make). But then she told me the other news that makes this position all the better - where I will be making many dollars more than I do now - a bonus so to speak. I'm happy about that - makes all those added responsibility more tolerable.

We went away this weekend, just an overnight. The oldest had won these tickets to Six Flags and she booked a night at a hotel in the area so we all went down. Been a while since all four of us went away like that. It was fun. We stopped at Ikea outside of Baltimore. It was the first time I have ever been to the store and wow what a store. I'm ready to remodel the kitchen! But with just getting 15 windows and a new steel roof, I don't believe it will be happening this year. However, I am going to start with one of the closets in the kitchen. For some reason when we bought this 1889 home there were two closets in the kitchen - they were the ONLY closets in the home. They had double sliding wood doors. The smaller closet had wood shelves on the one side and place for brooms on the other side. The larger closet, we built shelves in it on the one side and the other side is used for our jackets. It'll be fun redoing it - of course I say that now "it'll be fun," we'll see down the line...

So, two more days of typing - hard to believe. The biggest change this job has is not only the typing but also that I will have to go into the hospital to work. This job will eventually be a home-based position but probably not for a couple more months. Oh boy!

Today or rather yesterday was my birthday. I spent it in the dentist chair (my choice) and by myself (my choice) until my family came home. I opted out of the usual dinner and requested the money that would have been spent on a meal for four at a very nice restaurant to be given to me so I could coupon grocery shop at my favorite grocery stores. This was all my choice. I did today what I wanted. I didn't expect birthday wishes, lunch/dinner out. My expectations were nil and you know what? I had a great day!!! I spent too much (160 bucks) but heck it was enough groceries and even things for my mom and my family to live on for quite a while. Remember me mentioning that around my birthday is when I do a lot of that looking into my soul and who I am..... With that said - one of my inspirational websites with one of its inspirational poems - follow the link to hear the music and see the beautiful photography.

 Inspiring Thoughts

You are…

You are strong when you take your grief and teach it to smile

You are brave when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.

You are happy when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.

You  are loving when your own pain does not blind you of the pain of others.

You are wise when you know the limits of your wisdom

You are true when you admit there are times you fool yourself

You are alive when tomorrow’s hope means more to you than yesterday’s mistake.

You are growing when you know what you are but not what you will become

You are free when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others

You are honorable when you find your honor is to honor others

You are generous when you can take as sweetly as you can give

You are humble when you do not know how humble you are

You are thoughtful when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are

You are merciful when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in others.

You are beautiful when you don’t need a mirror to tell you

You are rich when you never need more than what you have.

You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

 

I can't believe that it's the end of September. Heck I can't believe I'm turning another year older - yikes. My birthday always makes me reflect back on my life, where I am, where I've been and where I'm going. Sometimes thinking that much just makes my thoughts go faster in my head and then I have trouble concentrating on just one and thinking it through. I hate that and I'm not sure if that is just part of ADD or just too much going on in my life or even both.

The family is doing fine. I'm so proud of my girls. I burst with pride every time I talk about them or even think about them. The oldest starts her new job with the state govt in one week. She just bought her very first car - 2007 Hyundai Elantra - sweet ride. Youngest daughter is struggling in college with organic chemistry and Calculus. It will be her third calculus class and second organic chemistry. She is contemplating switching majors. I support her, offered to get her a tutor. I don't believe she will quit college but she may change majors. She isn't sure what she would switch to though. I completely relate to her struggle as I had the same struggle in my second year of college. Hubby is doing well too. We have been doing home improvements - 15 new windows and very soon they will be installing our new roof. We are getting this lifetime roof - steel roof that is made to look like our slate shingles. Hubby has been working on replacing some of the wood lattice work that was under the porch that goes around the house with plastic lattice - it looks great. I promise to post pictures of before and after.

I interviewed Friday for the position that I mentioned in an earlier blog - quality specialist. The old manager is out but coming back as a record analyst. Our new manager is the lady who has been doing it while they decided what to do with the old manager. She has a lot of great ideas but I have a feeling that she will expect others to put it all together and implement it while she doesn't have a part in it. Not my style of management and we'll see how long that lasts. I have enough experience to be able to do that but I'm not sure I will be paid enough to be that much of a part of management without the title or authority. She wasn't able to tell me how much I would be making. I'm ready for the change. Typing is becoming very old. I'm finding my mind wandering. I believe I need more of a challenge with a tad less time restriction-induced stress. I'll know by next Wednesday, Friday the latest, whether I offered the job or not and then decide if I really want it. Being that I'm good buds with one of the other quality specialist, she tells me that the manager talks as if I already have the job. Well, lets see what they put on the table as far as money.

Doc and I have been good, very good. As I was putting my life in perspective, I was thinking that we aren't as intimate as we used to be. Sometimes it bothers me cause I certainly want it more, but he has been more tentative to other things in our relationship that weren't there before. And that feels wonderful. I have also noticed that my hubby and I are becoming more intimate but not really in a loving way - just in a sexual way - meeting his needs. I say meeting his needs because mine are certainly not met. I feel like I am fulfilling a wifely duty and if it makes him happy and content - well so be it then I was successful and I have been successful so far. Funny thing - while cleaning the attic I found a box with letters from him when I was away at college and a box of letters from me from the same time. I read a card that was in my box to my youngest who was helping to clean - it was mushy but it so expressed how he felt about me back then. We were so innocent and young - so in love with each other. Some day I will bring those boxes down and read through them. I'm sure it will stir something up inside me - some of the old feelings. I do love him, he has been very good to me but I don't feel that happy feeling like I used to. That always makes me sad when I think of that. What happened to it? Will I ever feel it again?

I'm gonna try to visit more often and blog more, maybe it will help me with that fleeting thought process. One never knows!