I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps someone is trying to tell me something in a subtle sort of way. Went over to Doc's tonight to hang out and of course have some fun on the side. Left about 1:30 or so and was heading home when all of a sudden when I was going up a hill, my car slowed down, radio was up so I couldn't tell if it shut off or not. I stopped (since I wasn't going anywhere anyway) and turned it off, restarted it, put it in drive and nothing - didn't move. The engine roared but nothing. Then I began to smell it, the stench of when you flood a car. I'm thinking, Oh my God, here I am 1:45 in the morning, no one is around and I can't get even pull over (there was no where to pull off). I knew at the top of the hill there was a parking lot. I just needed to get up the hill. I found that my car would drift if I didn't press the gas peddle. Seems every time I gave it gas, the car slowed down. Go figure. How can you drift up a hill is beyond me - my guardian angel must have been pushing me. I finally made it and pulled over into the parking lot. Then I really smelt it. GAS!!!! Oh my gosh it had to be my car. I called Lover #1 as I was too scared now to even drive the home, less than 10 minutes away. I wasn't thinking, I was beginning to panic. I told him I smelled gas and like any man who just got woken up in the middle of the night simply told me to turn the car off. I looked out the passenger window and saw my expensive gas going down the parking lot. Never mind the fact that I'm holding a lit cigarette. Threw that baby out the window in the snow pretty darn fast. So I called AAA. They said they would send someone. I asked what I was suppose to do about all this gas running down the parking lot. He assured me that the tow truck driver would take care of that. So I sat and waited. And waited. Finally Lover #1 came and I quickly moved to his vehicle. And we waited. I felt awful that I had to drag him out of bed in the middle of the night. But you know what. He didn't comfort me for one second. I was upset. He saw that I was upset. Oh well. That was what our relationship was coming to. I didn't deserve anymore than that anyway. So finally the tow truck driver came, we pushed my car so he could hook it up. He couldn't help with the gas so I had to call 911. Told them what happened and they said they would dispatch someone. The fire company was a few blocks away so I knew it wouldn't be too long. Meanwhile a police car stopped in. Talked to the two truck driver and didn't bother with me either. We could hear the sirens from the fire house and knew that it wouldn't be too long. Then the fire chief came. He was a nice gentleman. Very pleasant and asked how I was doing and told me not to worry, that this was no biggie and it will be taken care of. They sprinkled their stuff and we all went home. No comforting. Nothing. Who am I kidding. I can't expect anything. Would have been nice to get a hug. So that was my eventful night. Now I have to deal with the garage tomorrow or rather later this morning as they had just replaced my fuel filter so therefore I feel they are to blame for this happening. And to think my week was stress free up to this point. Bummer!!

It was great to spend a day/night free of drama. I spent the afternoon and night with Doc. We didn't once talk about decisions, feelings or anything regarding the drama of the past couple of weeks. It was so refreshing to enjoy each other's company. I realize that a lot of this was my attitude. I had missed what we were sharing before all this talk about the future. I made a conscious effort not to talk about, make a snide remark or ask any questions that would lead us into drama talk.

I wasn't planning on spending the night either, that just happened. Seriously, I was so tired and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. He had asked me if I was spending the night and I told him I wasn't planning on it. He was okay with that or least he didn't say otherwise. However, instead of walking me to the door, he walked me to the bedroom to crawl under the covers with him. We snuggled and almost immediately fell asleep in each other's arms. It felt so right, so relaxing and so safe.

If you had asked me 10 years ago would I ever be in this predicament I find myself in today, I would have to say "no way, never." But that's the fun thing about life....it is always changing and sometimes things happen that we don't expect or even plan for. Eventually, decisions have to be made and more life changes take place. I'm so inexperience in these types of decisions. I'm not young and I'm not that old but I just have never been in situations like this that I had to make this type of decision that affects more than myself. If I make this decision I will be affecting so many people but then how fair is it to myself to allow all decisions in my life to be based on others. This is what makes me feel like a very selfish woman. I want everyone to be happy but that is not possible. Someone is going to be hurt. Someone will probably dislike someone else and who is to say how deep the hurt will be.

Last night/this morning, Lover #2 and I talked more. He is opening up more to me regarding his feelings. He loves me. He realizes that no matter what I decide that he wants to continue being best buds. He doesn't want to lose me in that way. I want the same thing. How easy that will be is hard to say. As we were discussing this, it eventually came out with the question posed to me "What do I want out of all this." I simply stated that I want him to give "us" a chance. (Meaning I don't want him to find someone till he has given us a chance to succeed or fail) He agreed. That was way too easy. I asked if there was going to be a time limit on this. He says, "certainly." He said by June of next year I should have resolved the relationship I'm in and be free to be with him or at least available for that to happen. I didn't respond for a long time. My thought process at this point was - wow. This is the first time in all these years that he has said those things to me - that this was something he actually wanted. I was saddened and I was happy at the same time. I realized now that I am the one who has to do it - has to make the decision. I've wanted someone else to make the decision for me and now I have to be the one to do it. Yikes! I'm not emotionally ready for this. I know this for a fact. But, Doc is right, this can't keep going.

He admitted a lot of things to me that he never did before. He admits that when he tried to make a relationship from the past work about three years ago, it failed and mostly that was due to his feelings for me. He continued to see me during the time he was with her. She had even moved in with him. He couldn't bring himself to break it off with me. When she was gone, our relationship grew stronger. It was three years after this that he realized that he wasn't getting any younger and he wanted me or someone like me in his life on a more permanent basis. The thought of someone else being with him tears me apart and thus we are were we are now.

I have a plan. I will talk to lover #1 and discuss our unhappiness and why we stay together. We will talk about what we would have to do to be happy and if both of us are willing to work on that. I may even have to get really honest with him but knowing me and not wanting to hurt him, I may not be THAT honest (omitting facts). And I have to talk to Doc. I have to hear him say to me that he would be willing to work on our relationship. That it isn't going to be one-sided with my love as the cement. And then I will need to analysis all this.

I'm not going to do this alone though. I was at my doctor's yesterday for a followup visit and he referred me to a therapist. I had mentioned this before and now I have decided that the time is right. I will be making that phone call to setup an appt. Not only will I have help to deal with the stresses of my mother and taking care of her but also of the stresses of having two relationships and making the decision.

I can do this. I have to do this or I will simply collapse in an emotional puddle.

Ever have those days where you just want to sleep and sleep, ignore the world going on around you and just sleep. I was lucky enough to have that kind of day on Sunday. I had that kind of day because I was avoiding "home". I slept a good bit of the day at Doc's house (Lover #2). I saw him Saturday morning, had some running to do and arrived at his house the middle of the afternoon on Saturday. We had planned on spending the day together and working on a calendar he was putting together for his family. We were making four total. Last year he sent away for it to be made but crafty me suggested he do it himself which meant I did most of the work and he watched me. That was okay, it meant spending more time with him. I treasure those times we spend together. Sometimes we don't really do "anything" but lounge around, watch television, sometimes shop, most times sex. I arrived at his house with the intent of staying the night. I didn't inform him of that - I figured he would figure it out when I didn't leave. He was okay with it. He does love my company and after all that has been going on with us, I feel I have to prove to him how much I do love him by being there for him. In a way, I kind of resent feeling that way. I feel as if I have to sell myself to him so he doesn't become interested in someone else. He knows how much I love him. He knows he can always count on me. He knows how great we are in bed together and has said to me numerous times that I'm tops in that area (from a man who has been with a variety of women - some talented I'm sure). I know what I'm capable of, why should I feel like I have to sell myself. I will joke to him about me being on his list and where I am on that list and he always tells me - I'm the only one on the list - no one else is there.

But do I stop there? Do I stop at thinking - oh boy things are great, there is no one - he is telling me there is no one else.....NO....The trust factor comes in. I intercepted the phone call. I found numbers of women (whether he actually called them is another thing)....I hate that I can't trust him in that aspect.

I did find out one thing - a lunch he had with a woman that he told me she paid cause she was paying him back for offering his truck was really paid for by him. I actually kept my cool and on Saturday at some point very bluntly told him to NOT lie to me. Told him that I know him too well that he wouldn't let a woman buy him lunch and he was a fool to think I would believe that. He said he did it to spare my feelings - DUMB!!! I explained once again how lying to me hurts me more than just telling me the truth. He'll probably never get it which is why I'm not only selling myself to him, I'm now out to prove he lies to me.

What kind of fricking life is this???  I know that I will not be able be done with him as a lover until I physically catch him in a lie that doesn't come back and bite me in the ass. Meaning most lies I have caught him in it was found out by something devious that I did and things always were twisted so that I became the bad guy and that was what dwelled on. It's like a soap opera sometimes and I personally don't know how much longer I can keep it going.

I love him, I want to be with him but on the other hand I look at all that has transpired between us, how he now feels he needs variety cause of my "unobtainable" status, etc. This is why I slept a good part of Sunday.  Why deal with things I don't want to deal with right? He didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that I slept so much. He checked on me. We made love between naps. Things couldn't be better. But I did have to wake up. I did have to go home and face the world. Lover #1 who is a Doc as well but I haven't figured out a good name for him yet was super understanding of me staying away from home. He knows the pressures I am under. He knows I would run if I could. He also knows I wouldn't do that - just run away from my problems.

One thing I am doing to relieve some stress is quitting my second job. I will have more time to spend with Doc, Lover #1, my lovely girls and maybe have some time for myself. Now if only I could work out this lover situation. This is rambling. This is unleased thoughts and I'm hoping that I can rope all this together and get on track soon. I can only hope.