I can't go on like this anymore.

I can't play the games anymore.

I can't feel down and then up, where is the middle?

We had our "normal" argument again. Neither one of us is healthy for the other.

Feelings are lopsided.

Lies are told.

Feelings are hurt.

Doesn't matter that the sex is great.

Doesn't matter that we still "feel" for each other.

Nothing matters now. Nothing.

Maybe things will look better in the morning. Or not.

I didn't leave bed that much on Tuesday and I'll probably do the same on Thursday. That's how I feel, drained, sad, broken heart, swollen eyes, numb.

He says things will be okay. Okay for who? Not me.  My world as I know it has ended.

I know it's for the best.

I didn't have the right to feel the way I did. But does it have to hurt so much.

I thought love was suppose to feel good, then why does it hurt so?

Bitterness set in, I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Things were said and I didn't recognize myself. I was so bitter. He was so cruel, so blunt. I feel so unloved, so unlovable.

I don't deserve this. But, maybe I do.

I was angry and it showed. He retaliated and the pain became sharper but this was what I was pushing for. Pushing for him to hate me so it would be easier to not love him.

I think I need to hate him before I can like him.

 As soon as I realized how bitter and angry I became, I apologized. I shouldn't be the one to apologize. All I did was love him.

He says if the circumstances were different. But he can't be the reason for me leaving. What?? How does that work. How can I be so naive.

He will love me if the circumstances are different. What bullshit is that? Don't feeling rise above circumstances? Have I been so wrong all these years.

I have to let go. I know I have to. I don't want to. I can't.

Lord help me. Save me from myself. Let me sleep and not wake up so I don't feel this pain anymore.

 

Next to my children, there is another love in my life. His name is Bandit, or King Bandit as he prefers to be called. Bandit was born on our little farmette to a calico mother. She had such a beautiful face and usually produced very beautiful kittens. Well, Bandit entered into our lives when he first came out from under the deck and very gingerly explored his new world. We all immediately fell in love with this little gray and white kitten whose tail stuck straight up. He showed signs of being a long-haired cat (his mother was) and he was just adorable. We didn't have any indoor cats as the man of the house didn't particularly like them. Since I worked at home and I really wanted a cat inside, Bandit came in during the day with me. I gave him a basket to sleep in and put him on the desk in front of the computer screen. He would play in his basket and eventually fall asleep. Usually I put him outside before the girls came home from school but on one occasion I "forgot" and got caught. They never said anything to their dad and enjoyed the time with Bandit in the house.

One of Bandit's brothers who still lived outside was getting sick. This was the time that I decided that Bandit was going to be a permanent house cat. There was no way I could let him go back outside and get sick. The girl's father just had to learn to deal with it. We outnumbered him anyway. So Bandit became a house cat. But Bandit also became very, very sick. I remember watching him staggering to me one morning and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I called the vet and took him that day. The vet examined him, took him back to take blood and then gave me the news that he was anemic and dehydrated. The look in the vet's face told me more than her words. She didn't think he was going to make it. She didn't have to say it, I could tell. They gave him a shot of fluid and told me to try to get him to eat and just keep an eye on him. She told me to bring him back in a week. She didn't think she would see me in a week and I cried the whole way home.

From the moment we got home, Bandit wasn't out of arms. When the girls were at school, I held him. I rigged it so that when I worked (typing) I would lay him in a makeshift sling with my t-shirt bottom. I adjusted how I typed so he could rest. When the girls came home from school, I handed him off to them. This went on for days and we encouraged him to eat and drink. There was no way I was going to let his kitty die. When a week was up, we took him back to the vet. She looked at him and asked if it was the same kitten. He was playful, eating, drinking, crapping, everything a little kitty was suppose to do. She was amazed and admitted that she didn't think he was going to make it. All of Bandit's siblings had died. Bandit beat the odds and I have no doubt in my mind that we as a family loved him back to good health.

To this day, he still lays on my desk and follows me around the house. I never go to the bathroom alone. He's not a lap cat like you would expect but he is always around us. He even goes camping with us in our RV. He doesn't travel real well but he's always glad once we get to our destination and is spending time with us. The one time we did leave him at home and had someone stay with him, he stayed under our bed for days. He was so upset with us.

The following are pictures of King Bandit:

This is the basket he stayed in when he was a kitten

Do Not Disturb Bandit:

Party Bandit

I've always wondered why people pick January 1 as their day to start something new or end something old. Why not their birthday or the beginning of a seaon....(yes dots, I use them as well and dashes, Coloconnect you are NOT alone). I guess 1/1 is more symbolic. Whatever the reason, I have to confess that I have not been one to make resolutions for the new year. I know myself too well to make promises to myself that I don't feel I can keep. I'm a weak person. I hit a stumbling block or a wall and I stop believing in myself to fulfill that promise. I think I'm more a day to day person. Baby steps I think I can accomplish. If I look too far into the future, I become overwhelmed and doomed. Lack of confidence in myself? Poor esteem? Who knows, maybe all of the above. At least I recognize that in myself. I will take one day at a time this new year and try not to get overwhelmed by the long-term goals I have. The the best I can do.

New year's eve was spent with both Lover #1 and Lover #2. I spent the better part of the day with Lover #1 and my girls. I then spent the later part of the day with Lover #2. It was nice, relaxing and absolutely no stress. He was attentive, very loving actually and it felt good to be with him. I had given him a present, a simple present of words from my heart. Of course I had help putting those thoughts/words into some sort of meaningful way and for that I am eternally grateful to that kind person. He smiled when he saw it and kept smiling as he read it to himself. I kept looking at his face when he read it - trying to see into his thoughts. His smile didn't fade and I believe I saw his eyes become more intense. He finished and looked into my eyes and thanked me for it and then planted a deep kiss on my lips. He said it wave very nice! (coming from him that meant, he liked it) He took the framed words and put them on the living room end table. That was something that was unexpected. I honestly thought he would just put it away where it would be seen by nobody. It actually felt good when he put it where people would see. Cynical me thought, he will just move it later.

We hadn't planned on doing anything that night other than watch movies and of course make love. It felt right, I can't explain it, it just felt right being there with him. Actually, the ironic thing was that I was sooo tired that I did fall asleep twice during the movie we watched but then woke up enough to make love and seemed to get my second wind after that. However, I remember him going to bed after 1 or so in the morning and I kept watching television, thinking I'll go there shortly, well the next thing I remember is the channel being changed on the tv. Here I had fallen asleep on the futon watching television and he slept in the bedroom. How ironic to spend the night with a lover and not actually sleep with him. But our relationship is okay like that. We made up for it that morning, late morning and afternoon. What can I say, I'm horny woman.

This is my fourth day off from work and I have to admit a well-needed rest. If I was going to make a resolution, that would be the top one - Don't let the stress get to the point that it effected my work (which is the problem with the second half of last year).

Another issue that I definitely have to resolve this year is "the decision". (This is not a new year's resolution as this is ongoing and ongoing...) I'm going to put it off as long as I can, either by my doing or the lovers' doing, whichever comes first. I am going to Hawaii at the end of Feb for a week and half with lover #1. We'll see how that goes. See if I can rekindle some feelings that seem to have gotten lost over the years. If nothing, then some serious talking needs to happen and decisions on OUR part need to be made. If Lover #2 can keep his dick in his pants while I'm gone we may still have a chance and if not, then we will remain hopefully best buds. Time will tell and I'm sure more drama will happen before all this is played out but for right now, those are my "plans." But as anyone knows when on an adventure, anything can happen and most likely does.

I took some time yesterday since I didn't have to work and thought about my life and what I have accomplished, what I wanted to accomplish, etc. As I was going through my time line of life, I realized that I started out so young and obtained things at a young age that most people don't obtain until they are the age I am now or even older. I should feel good about that and I do. I do feel good that we had the foresight to do things that will only benefit our children later in life. I think that it's important not to think of this "list" as only the material things but the age at which they were acquired. My point is not saying "look at me and all the stuff I have" but that I was young and inexperience in life. I have never dwelled on these things and only recent thought about it as I was thinking about the decisions I need to make.

I started school young. I was one of the youngest in my grade. I managed to get through high school and live through my mother's emotional abuse. I even graduated with honors from high school. I then went on to college at the age of 17 but quit when I fell in love. We bought a house and at age 19 my name was on a mortgage.

I was married at 20.

I was an owner of a cemetery lot at age 22.

I had a life insurance policy that invested my money so that when I retired, I could live off the money it made over the years and this was all by age 24. That is when I had my babies, two years apart. 

From ages 26 to 35, life was a blur really. It's documented well with pictures and video but when I reflect on my emotional state, it's just a blur.

The house was paid off by age 35. That also was around the time I quit a job that I worked my up in and was making pretty good money. I needed a change. I was able to stay home for the summer. The first time I actually didn't work and could spend time with my daughters. We had a blast. If anything, it brought us even closer. When I quit that job, I rolled over the money they took from my paycheck to a retirement fund. Several thousand dollars looked like a great start for retirement. That is also the time I began to have road trips with my new best friend. We really grew close during this time. she was four years younger than me but you wouldn't know it. We were definitely young at heart.

I eventually went to business school and graduated top in my class and acquired a new job. This job was more to what I enjoyed doing and I felt really positive about the change. It was about this time that I also met Lover #2. What started out as a fling took a more emotional course and one that I have to face soon or go crazy.

I have been so fortunate in my life to be able to experience the things I have. I have been to Italy once and to Spain twice. I have been on some really awesome vacations, visiting different attractions in the United States and Canada. I will be going to Hawaii in two months. How lucky can I get.

Not only am I lucky with all this "stuff", I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters who make me very proud that I am their mother. My oldest graduated from high school with honors (grade point average over 4.0) and is in her third year of college (with scholarship) on the Dean's List each semester. My youngest will graduate high school this year (well 2006) and with honors (grade point average over 4.0). She will be going to college as well (we'll know about her scholarships soon). They are not only smart, they are good kids. No drugs. No alcohol. No sex. They are focused on goals of college and a career. They have seen what their parents have obtained and at young ages and it has been a positive influence for them.

This inventory of my life pulls me in so many directions. Who could give this up? How do you give this up? Why would I want to?

I know all about material things and all the baggage that goes with that but some of these things are things I have earned or have acquired through life - the retirement nest egg, a home that is paid off, even the cemetery lots. Even though my daughters are 20 and 18, some days I still think of them as my babies and hold onto the belief that they shouldn't have a broken home. But at what point, does that end and the mother and father have happiness they deserve too if they can't get that happiness from each other.

I read a really good blog tonight about "throwing away a good life". The comments on that blog were great too. I have a lot to learn in life. I know this. I will always be climbing UP my stairs of life. I just have to decide how.  

 

I decided to sleep in - what was there to wake up to. But I did, wake up that is and was given some good news. My car has been fixed and my gas tank filled up at no cost. Like I was expected to pay for the repairs to the repair. The gas was a bonus considering I was down to a quarter of a tank. Maybe there is good in the world after all. I imagine I will be pretty darn scared to drive it, thinking at what point will it leave me sit. Good reason as any to quit smoking too. Trying to see the positive here.

I'm a little disappointed in lover #2 though. I was talking to him in IM on my cell phone when this happened. He seemed genuinely concerned but it ended rather abruptly and he didn't say his normal good bye. Okay granted it was no almost 2:30-3:00 in the morning but still, I was out there in the freezing cold. He didn't call me or anything and nothing this morning either - no email, message or phone message. I'm a little hurt but then this is just me thinking too much and expecting too much like I always do. I'll never learn. Oh well, at least a free tank of gas out of all this.