An army of angels keeps in step with a person who dances with life.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It will make or break a company....a church...a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you...we are in charge of our Attitudes.

- Charles Swindoll

I can't go on like this anymore.

I can't play the games anymore.

I can't feel down and then up, where is the middle?

We had our "normal" argument again. Neither one of us is healthy for the other.

Feelings are lopsided.

Lies are told.

Feelings are hurt.

Doesn't matter that the sex is great.

Doesn't matter that we still "feel" for each other.

Nothing matters now. Nothing.

Maybe things will look better in the morning. Or not.

I didn't leave bed that much on Tuesday and I'll probably do the same on Thursday. That's how I feel, drained, sad, broken heart, swollen eyes, numb.

He says things will be okay. Okay for who? Not me.  My world as I know it has ended.

I know it's for the best.

I didn't have the right to feel the way I did. But does it have to hurt so much.

I thought love was suppose to feel good, then why does it hurt so?

Bitterness set in, I wanted him to feel the hurt I was feeling. Things were said and I didn't recognize myself. I was so bitter. He was so cruel, so blunt. I feel so unloved, so unlovable.

I don't deserve this. But, maybe I do.

I was angry and it showed. He retaliated and the pain became sharper but this was what I was pushing for. Pushing for him to hate me so it would be easier to not love him.

I think I need to hate him before I can like him.

 As soon as I realized how bitter and angry I became, I apologized. I shouldn't be the one to apologize. All I did was love him.

He says if the circumstances were different. But he can't be the reason for me leaving. What?? How does that work. How can I be so naive.

He will love me if the circumstances are different. What bullshit is that? Don't feeling rise above circumstances? Have I been so wrong all these years.

I have to let go. I know I have to. I don't want to. I can't.

Lord help me. Save me from myself. Let me sleep and not wake up so I don't feel this pain anymore.

Next to my children, there is another love in my life. His name is Bandit, or King Bandit as he prefers to be called. Bandit was born on our little farmette to a calico mother. She had such a beautiful face and usually produced very beautiful kittens. Well, Bandit entered into our lives when he first came out from under the deck and very gingerly explored his new world. We all immediately fell in love with this little gray and white kitten whose tail stuck straight up. He showed signs of being a long-haired cat (his mother was) and he was just adorable. We didn't have any indoor cats as the man of the house didn't particularly like them. Since I worked at home and I really wanted a cat inside, Bandit came in during the day with me. I gave him a basket to sleep in and put him on the desk in front of the computer screen. He would play in his basket and eventually fall asleep. Usually I put him outside before the girls came home from school but on one occasion I "forgot" and got caught. They never said anything to their dad and enjoyed the time with Bandit in the house.

One of Bandit's brothers who still lived outside was getting sick. This was the time that I decided that Bandit was going to be a permanent house cat. There was no way I could let him go back outside and get sick. The girl's father just had to learn to deal with it. We outnumbered him anyway. So Bandit became a house cat. But Bandit also became very, very sick. I remember watching him staggering to me one morning and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I called the vet and took him that day. The vet examined him, took him back to take blood and then gave me the news that he was anemic and dehydrated. The look in the vet's face told me more than her words. She didn't think he was going to make it. She didn't have to say it, I could tell. They gave him a shot of fluid and told me to try to get him to eat and just keep an eye on him. She told me to bring him back in a week. She didn't think she would see me in a week and I cried the whole way home.

From the moment we got home, Bandit wasn't out of arms. When the girls were at school, I held him. I rigged it so that when I worked (typing) I would lay him in a makeshift sling with my t-shirt bottom. I adjusted how I typed so he could rest. When the girls came home from school, I handed him off to them. This went on for days and we encouraged him to eat and drink. There was no way I was going to let his kitty die. When a week was up, we took him back to the vet. She looked at him and asked if it was the same kitten. He was playful, eating, drinking, crapping, everything a little kitty was suppose to do. She was amazed and admitted that she didn't think he was going to make it. All of Bandit's siblings had died. Bandit beat the odds and I have no doubt in my mind that we as a family loved him back to good health.

To this day, he still lays on my desk and follows me around the house. I never go to the bathroom alone. He's not a lap cat like you would expect but he is always around us. He even goes camping with us in our RV. He doesn't travel real well but he's always glad once we get to our destination and is spending time with us. The one time we did leave him at home and had someone stay with him, he stayed under our bed for days. He was so upset with us.

The following are pictures of King Bandit:

This is the basket he stayed in when he was a kitten

Do Not Disturb Bandit:

Party Bandit

I've always wondered why people pick January 1 as their day to start something new or end something old. Why not their birthday or the beginning of a seaon....(yes dots, I use them as well and dashes, Coloconnect you are NOT alone). I guess 1/1 is more symbolic. Whatever the reason, I have to confess that I have not been one to make resolutions for the new year. I know myself too well to make promises to myself that I don't feel I can keep. I'm a weak person. I hit a stumbling block or a wall and I stop believing in myself to fulfill that promise. I think I'm more a day to day person. Baby steps I think I can accomplish. If I look too far into the future, I become overwhelmed and doomed. Lack of confidence in myself? Poor esteem? Who knows, maybe all of the above. At least I recognize that in myself. I will take one day at a time this new year and try not to get overwhelmed by the long-term goals I have. The the best I can do.

New year's eve was spent with both Lover #1 and Lover #2. I spent the better part of the day with Lover #1 and my girls. I then spent the later part of the day with Lover #2. It was nice, relaxing and absolutely no stress. He was attentive, very loving actually and it felt good to be with him. I had given him a present, a simple present of words from my heart. Of course I had help putting those thoughts/words into some sort of meaningful way and for that I am eternally grateful to that kind person. He smiled when he saw it and kept smiling as he read it to himself. I kept looking at his face when he read it - trying to see into his thoughts. His smile didn't fade and I believe I saw his eyes become more intense. He finished and looked into my eyes and thanked me for it and then planted a deep kiss on my lips. He said it wave very nice! (coming from him that meant, he liked it) He took the framed words and put them on the living room end table. That was something that was unexpected. I honestly thought he would just put it away where it would be seen by nobody. It actually felt good when he put it where people would see. Cynical me thought, he will just move it later.

We hadn't planned on doing anything that night other than watch movies and of course make love. It felt right, I can't explain it, it just felt right being there with him. Actually, the ironic thing was that I was sooo tired that I did fall asleep twice during the movie we watched but then woke up enough to make love and seemed to get my second wind after that. However, I remember him going to bed after 1 or so in the morning and I kept watching television, thinking I'll go there shortly, well the next thing I remember is the channel being changed on the tv. Here I had fallen asleep on the futon watching television and he slept in the bedroom. How ironic to spend the night with a lover and not actually sleep with him. But our relationship is okay like that. We made up for it that morning, late morning and afternoon. What can I say, I'm horny woman.

This is my fourth day off from work and I have to admit a well-needed rest. If I was going to make a resolution, that would be the top one - Don't let the stress get to the point that it effected my work (which is the problem with the second half of last year).

Another issue that I definitely have to resolve this year is "the decision". (This is not a new year's resolution as this is ongoing and ongoing...) I'm going to put it off as long as I can, either by my doing or the lovers' doing, whichever comes first. I am going to Hawaii at the end of Feb for a week and half with lover #1. We'll see how that goes. See if I can rekindle some feelings that seem to have gotten lost over the years. If nothing, then some serious talking needs to happen and decisions on OUR part need to be made. If Lover #2 can keep his dick in his pants while I'm gone we may still have a chance and if not, then we will remain hopefully best buds. Time will tell and I'm sure more drama will happen before all this is played out but for right now, those are my "plans." But as anyone knows when on an adventure, anything can happen and most likely does.