I know this is early Thursday morning but I will be writing about Wednesday....The alarm clock was ringing, I think I had already hit the snooze one or two times when the phone rang. My oldest brought it to me and told me it was my friend (the nurse). She said she was sorry she was calling so early but she wanted me to know or rather give me a heads up.

Apparently my mother talked to a social worker when she was in the ED. She proceeded to tell this social worker that basically I was verbally abusive to her and that I was reluctant to help her.

I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. Is this my mother's perception of me? Does she see everything through foggy glasses or what? Needless to say I was devastated and cried most of the morning. This is the same woman who called me up last night to tell me I needed to call the doctor cause they didn't give her any of her medicine and she needed her Lasix. This is the same woman who told me (notice I didn't say ask) that she wasn't fed dinner and I should call and let them know. She never asks, it has always been an "order".

I pulled myself together enough to make some phone calls. First I called my husband - cell phone off. Next I called my brother. I left him know what I found out and he couldn't believe it either. His comment was to the effect "wow she really is cutting off the hand that helps her the most." I also made a call to my therapist. She made time to see me later in the day. The next call went to the Area Agency of Aging to talk to my mom's case manager. I had to leave a message.

I was upset but I was now beginning to get angry. How dare that woman say those things about me to get her own way? There was no way anyone who knew her would believe that about me. Everyone I talked to today told me that. But my point is that I work at that hospital and I have a good reputation and now she says this - wow! I know I haven't verbally abused my mother. I have been pushed to my limits a lot by her and I have raised my voice in an argumentative way but never did I demean her, call her names or put her down. Wow! I can't believe it.

I made a decision also - there was no way I was going to the hospital to see her. I was not going to pick her up from the hospital and take her anywhere. If I am so upsetting to her I will take myself out of the picture. I have my husband's support. I have my daughters' support and I have my brother's support knowing full well that it will become harder on him. He can't believe I have done as much as I have done for her and lasted this long. Go Figure huh?

She didn't call me at all - not once. I also didn't get a call from the caseworker she talked to at the hospital. I did find out since though that my mother refused to go in counseling with me when offered by the social worker stating that it would more detrimental than helpful. She also refused to have the social worker talk to me about it. Of course she is going to refuse these things because then the truth will be known.

I honestly don't know if my mother realizes how much she relied on my family. She is going to get a rude awakening I'm afraid.

I finally did talk to the Area Agency of Aging case manager and I told her what has happened Tuesday and how my mom ended up in the situation she is in now. I didn't mention what I knew about the conversation between my mother and the caseworker but I did let on that my mother is very dramatic and manipulative (as she already knew by the fact that she has a hard time finding someone to come out and care for her for five hours a week) and that my mother will say that I'm mean to her, etc cause she doesn't like what I have to say about her being safe in her own home.

Tonight or rather early this morning, I called into the hospital and got a report on my mother. When my brother was in to see her last evening, she wouldn't wake up and apparently they had just given her a shot of morphine for some leg pain she was complaining about. The nurse who was taking care of her could tell she was a complainer and was rather obnoxious until she got her own way. I asked her to leave my name and number for the caseworker assigned to her to call me in the morning. Don't you think they deserve to hear my side?

I know my mother has no clue the severity of her "complaint" about me. Verbal abuse of an elderly can bring about legal charges - my state deems that just as severe as physical abuse. If it is mentioned in my conversation with the caseworker I will ask her to clarify the ramification of this statement with my mother and the consequences of her even saying it even when proved wrong. She literally has cut off the hand that took care of her.

My therapy appointment today was all about what has been happening. As my therapist said to me - anyone who knows my mother and knows me will know that there is no way I am verbally abusive to her. She has always been telling me that I enable her too much. I make things too easy for her by doing too much. I guess it just took those two words coming from my mother to really hit it home. The therapist wanted to know if I was okay with my decisions I made today and I told her I was right now. I admit I did falter a little after talking to my brother and the fact that they were giving my mother morphine knowing the consequences (constipation, weakened state, etc) but it was short lived. I am trying to be stronger.

Thanks to everyone for their support and prayers. I truly appreciate it. I also appreciate my family who in their own quirky ways are always supportive of me. I appreciate my best friends who know EVERYthing about me and still accept me. I am fortunate enough to have them - each fulfilling everything one could ask for in a friend. It will be their love, the love of my family, the support of the beautiful people on the stream that will see me through this mess.

Here I sit Tuesday early afternoon blogging and dragging my feet. It all started this morning when I was ready to "clock in" but instead the phone rang.....my mother sounding desperate as usual......she wanted me to come up and get her something hot to drink. I reluctantly said I would but that I wasn't going to stay....There was something in her voice that told me I had better go even though I just thought it was yet another attempt to dominate my life with hers as she has tried to do for most of my life.

I get up there and she is in bed shivering and stating that she can't stop shivering and that it was too cold in there. I do the daughterly thing and make her a cup of tea and some oatmeal. She ended up letting the dog spill the half cup of tea that I gave her on her bed and her night gown. She then goes to the potty (which is in her room) and I help her get dressed. When she went to get up from the potty I should have known she was too weak. I should have known what was going to happen. In my mind it played out before it actually happened but I was hanging onto hope....hope that I was wrong about what was about to happen. Her knees started to buckle and she slowly went down. I tried to get the wheelchair under her but her butt was too low...I tried to keep her up but her 315 pounds were just too much for me and she went down on her knees. I knew she couldn't stay like that so I tried to help her to her butt....she kinda went down hard on her right hip. By this time the tears are flowing from my eyes and I am momentarily blinded....thoughts of the time she went down outside in the rain when I was transferring her to the car came flashing through my head....this couldn't be happening....not again......

I began to feel sick in the stomach to the point of wanting to dry heave as there was nothing in my stomach to come up.....I felt so helpless yet again. No more than 20 minutes before this incident I was telling her that I couldn't take care of her like she needed to be taken care of, that I was not capable of that. She told me I can't put her away in a home or I might as well order her coffin now. She told me I could take care of her, it's just our personality clash (if that's what you call it). I told her it's more than that. I can't do anything to please her. She started to argue with me that that was not true so I asked her to name one thing and she couldn't.....she was thinking and then said - "well you came up this morning".....I told her that is not what I meant. It was left at that. We were both upset and she told me at her first attempt to stand from the potty "look how you make me" meaning I have upset her to the point she is weak and shaken. I know in my heart that I do upset her but she was in that state before our "discussion" that upset her.

She really does expect too much from me. Our mother-daughter relationship is not what old tv shows are made of or even those mother-daughter relationships where they are actually friends. It never really was and I don't expect it ever really will be. Don't pity me, pity her for missing out on it because of her stubbornness.

I have made sure that my daughters and I would NEVER go down that road and well....my oldest is 21 and my youngest is 19 and I can honestly say that I have succeeded in that area. I praise God for that every day!!!!

So she is on the floor, cold and shaking and she supposedly called 911 - I have no idea what she did but the ambulance did arrive only because they know her and where she lives. Also by this time a woman my mother had called before she fell showed up. After my mother fell I was trying to think of people who could help me get her up and I had called my friend hoping that her father was available. She eventually called me back but by that time the ambulance was on the way. I thanked her and told her I would call her back later. She was at my mom's house in 15 minutes. I didn't ask her to come but I was so thankful to see her. She was my emotional support. She also was a nurse which is comforting in its own way.

Back to my mother........there she is sitting on the floor. Her friend is sitting there with her and I can't even bear to be around her. I felt nothing but sadness for her. I felt no big emotional burst to comfort her, hug her or even to tell her it would be alright. Something has to be wrong with me. How can I be so cold towards my mother. What is wrong with me?!!?? I don't feel that way about other people. I have become this ice-cold emotionless person when it comes to her. I beat myself up about this all the time. I have mentioned it in therapy. I have tried to figure it out.

I'm not that way...I have a heart, I have emotions, I love her but it just doesn't surface around her. A lot of this emotionlessness I know has to do with resentment, anger about her selfishness but you would think if I realize this that I should be the person to do something about it. She isn't going to change - that change has to come from me. God will help me see how to do that...I hope.

Flashes of my friend's grandmother always come up when my mother falls. Her grandmother lived alone, was in a wheelchair. One day she fell in transfer from wheelchair to bed and cut her leg. Apparently she was on Coumadin (a blood thinner) and couldn't reach the phone. Her son (my friend's father) found her a day or so later dead, sitting by her bed in a pool of blood. What a horrible way to die!!! I even related this story to my mother thinking that it will open her eyes as to how dangerous her living there can be. I don't think she let it sink in.

And now here I am sitting typing this when I need to get into the hospital to see what is going on. I know that she will be there for a long time and will go for x-rays and CT scans and whatever other tests and I will just wait. I should be there for support but I don't feel capable of that. I felt this morning on the verge of an emotional meltdown. If you never felt one of them than you can't relate but if you did then you know that you literally can't think for yourself. Decisions can't be made. But I have now calmed down, regrouped, talked to my friend, talked to Doc and felt comforted by both of them to make the journey to my mother's bedside. I need to be strong for her, I need to be strong for myself and I hope I am able to show her some love.

Ironically, she just called from the ED. She said she has a high fever and they haven't figured out why. This is how it is when she goes in there - high fever, high white count and they can't figure out why. Usually a urinary infection shows up. Well, I told her I was coming in. She didn't ask why I haven't been there but I'm sure she was thinking it cause every question I asked her on the phone she made the comment - I guess you'll have to come in and ask them and see what's going on. *sigh* She's 67 but acts 89. I need to face reality as much as she does.

Say a prayer for her. She needs it.

As for me....well my answer (jokingly of course)for all of this is to run away

Here it is the wee hours of Thursday morning and what am I doing? Blogging of course. Actually I meant to get on earlier this week but man I have been busy. Busy doing meaningless things that just tie up my time. Yeah work including.

Speaking of work, I got my yearly evaluation today. It wasn't a bad one but it wasn't one of my better ones. Of course the problems I was having 8 months ago brought it down a peg or two. I didn't feel that was addressed very well in the evaluation. I made a lot of headway from my last evaluation to this one but all they counted were the numbers - whoopie. The "average" of those numbers didn't demonstrate the struggle and effort I put forth to bring everything up to an above-acceptable level. The sad thing is our evaluations reflect the amount of pay increase we get. Mine didn't amount to anything but at least it was something. Twenty-seven cents an hour times it by 8 and you get 2.16 additional each day, so you take that by 5 and now it's 10.80 a week extra and finally take that by 52 and you get 561.60 for the year. Ugh still isn't looking that great but I'll just do better for the next time.

Today is my first day off for the next five days. I probably should get to bed because I have so much to do. I'm leaving Friday morning and heading to the ocean for the weekend. I've been going there for the past 4-5 years with some girlfriends from girl scouts. Generally, I shop, catch up on reading and generally just be lazy. This year my one best friend isn't going. She's going away with her husband for their anniversary. It won't be the same without her. We are so much alike, it's always fun. The other five women going are pretty fun to be around so I'm sure that even though I'll be missing my friend, I'll still have a good time.

This year I borrowed Doc's metal detector and plan on spending some time combing the beach for hidden treasures... This should be fun as I have never done it before. I may be the only one doing it as the other women probably have "classes" planned -the girl scout part of the weekend.

Typically on this weekend, I'm usually up to watch the sunrise.

This is the sunrise from last year. I slept out on the balcony on that day. I couldn't stand being in bed and listening to everyone snoring or excuse me...breathing heavy. So, I took the chair out from the room, the bed cover, of course my coat and gloves and bundled up and stayed out there till the sun came up. There's just something about that sea air.

This picture was actually taken on my cell phone two years ago but we stay in the same hotel each year.

Well in addition to being lazy, treasure hunting, I'm planning on doing some thinking. Mainly about what direction my life is going in. How I'm coping mentally and physically with living this double life and what I want out of both relationships. I'll probably do quite a bit of thinking about my oldest daughter and what I can do for her in regards to her low self esteem and graduating from college.

That reminds me. My baby turned 19 yesterday. I'm really starting to feel old.


Well, I'm calling it a day and heading to bed. I still have quite a few blogs to catch up on before I leave so I don't have as much when I get home.

Take care everyone!!!

Well, obviously I didn't make as much headway with the mother issues as I thought or I can look at it as I did make a lot of headway....Let me explain.

For the past 8 years at least, I have accommodated my mother in whatever she wanted. When her mother was sick and my dad wasn't available or refused to take her, I took her to see her. She lived an hour away. I changed whatever I was doing and took her. There was one point when she was close to her death that I took my mother to the nursing home and we ended staying the night. I had to change a lot of plans for that time including work. I took her to her best friend's viewing. I took her to doctor appointments even when my father was alive. When my father was sick and in the hospital (week or two before he died), every time I went in to see him, I took her along. I wasn't able to spend any of those times one on one with him and I would have liked that very much. I suppose I could have insisted on it or went to see him without saying anything to her but that didn't feel right with me. Then my father died and I became his replacement in doing the running, taking her to all her appointments, seeing that she had the things she needed. My brother helped a little but not when it came to taking her places. As I had said in previous blogs, it wore me down, I went to counseling, I was put on drugs...blah blah blah and I'm here today. I feel I am handling things relatively well. I can only spend limited time with her before I start to get antsy and short tempered but better than a year ago.

Well, Friday night my family and I had plans to go to a wedding reception. I had informed my mother that day when I was at her home that we would not be available that night because we were going to this reception. It was 45 minutes before we were leaving and she called and wanted to know if I could take her to see her brother who isn't doing very well (he has cancer). This is her only living member of her family. They have not spoken to each other very much over the past 20 or so years. She was stubborn and he was stubborn. He has a wife who didn't like my mother and my mother didn't really like her I guess. Bottom line is that they hardly communicated with each other even when their mother and father and brothers died. Sad but that is the type of mentality in that family. It seems that his wife was "allowing" my mother to see her brother because he is close to dying. I think my mother needs to make amends with her brother and seeing him at this time is probably a good thing for her.  Well, it turns out that my brother wasn't going to take her. She calls me back and wasn't nice about "asking". I informed in as calm of a voice as I could that for the past 8 years I have accommodated her and changed my plans to meet her needs. She started to argue with me that it wasn't that long......missing my point. Well after she hung up on me, I immediately felt guilty. Should I change my plans yet again to accommodate my mother. I agree that she should make peace with her brother but why do I have to be the one to take her yet again?

I thought about what my therapist had told me about feeling guilty and not letting myself go down that path. I had almost convinced myself that this was really an important event and I should just take her and forget about anything I had planned. But I held my ground. My brother refused to take her for his own reasons.

Maybe if things were different in the past and I wasn't trying to be stronger. Should I back down and just take her....then what about the next time and the next time - when will it stop. Won't each time be as important as the next.

My brother made a good suggestion. She could talk to him on the phone. Did she at least check into that. My brother said he will mention that to her Sunday morning when he stops in.

Right before we leave for the reception, she calls again and claims she had the wrong number and asks the oldest daughter who answered the phone she thought we were going away. My oldest said she said it in a way like she was checking on us. This is how my mother "works. When we left the reception, I checked my cell and saw I had a message. Checked it and it was her asking if we could stop by her house to put some food away. To me this is my mother's way of knowing when the reception was over - keeping tabs on us. *sigh*

So we stop and I put the food away and we leave right away. We didn't chit chat. I probably would have snapped at her.

Oh I left something out. I talked to my brother after the first time my mother called me. He was at her house and called me back after he left. He told me she started on him about everything they (my mom and dad) did for me and this is how I treat her......he said he stopped her and told her that this is why he didn't bring his kids around because she always bashes my family when she is upset or doesn't get her own way with us and he didn't want that to happen to his family. She expected to put me down and trash me and my brother took up for me. He went on to inform her that if it wasn't for me that she wouldn't be going to the places she does go to.

So needless to say I was a tad upset when we got home. When I feel this pressure, my first instinct is to run - hide somewhere - get away from it (if only momentary). Hubby knew how I was feeling and feels almost helpless in moments like this. He is aware of the high anxiety she causes in me.

I figured then and there that I was going to Doc's. Told hubby I was running away and I didn't know if I was coming back home. It has now become almost a joke with us when the tension mounts in me and my need to run. I asked him if he wanted a quick BJ before I left. What man is going to turn that down? So after changing clothes and taking care of hubby....I left. Doc didn't know I was coming. He was pleasantly surprised.  

Doc and I didn't talk about what happened. As a matter of fact, we hardly talked. I went to the bedroom and laid down and fell asleep. Next thing I know I feel him getting in bed next to me, I look at the clock and it's around midnight. I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up later to go to the bathroom and should have went home but instead I went back to sleep.

I know running away wasn't the solution. I wasn't looking for a solution. I just wanted some piece and quiet - no phone calls, no dealing with things that I would have had to deal with at home. Going to Doc's, I don't have to deal with them there. I came home today and things were calmer. I was calmer. Hubby knew that I had to get away. With working at home, I don't get away from home like those who go somewhere on a daily basis. I enjoy the times I do get out whether it be with family or friends.