Wow, one whole year of blogging. What committment!

In thinking back over that year I have to say that I have personally come a long way.

A year ago I was being told by my bosses that I needed help in dealing with my mother because my work was suffering and if I didn't improve I would have to come back into the hospital to work rather than work at home - YIKES!! Now one year later, I have done a complete turn around. I am back to making bonuses every month, I have improved my quality and I feel much better about work, not as much pressure.

As for dealing with my mother, in a year's time I have been put on an antidepressant and an ADD medication, both work for me. I quit smoking in April and feel healthier. I am seeing a therapist and because of that have come a really long way in dealing with my mother. There is still more work to do in that area but I feel better about it and that is important.

I am dealing with my relationships better. Hubby and I are getting along better. He is being more affectionate to me and not just in bed when he wants sex. We are actually spending some time together and it's going good. Doc and I are on a different level. There is more respect than before. I don't feel 100% trusting yet but I definitely feel more trusting than a year ago. Although he doesn't say the L word, he has all but said it in his actions and things he has said. We have become better friends and are totally comfortable around each other. We definitely want each other in our lives.

I still fight with myself regarding those two relationships but I am more content with them. That may not make sense but for a lack of a better word, content seems to fit.

Within this year, I am getting along with my brother better. A friend has come back into my life and that relationship is getting patched up which I am very thankful for.

Within this year, I was able to travel to Hawaii and experience the beautiful islands. I look forward to returning some day.

Within this year, my youngest daughter graduated high school and started her first year of college. My oldest daughter entered her last year of college and turned 21. I am so proud of them and that has gotten even stronger in the past year.

I feel stronger mentally and emotionally. I still have rambling thoughts and I still have room for improvement in every area but I haven't given up.

I believe the year to come will bring even more excitement, contentment, proudness and all those other positive feelings.

For everyone on the stream who has been supportive of me, I thank you for your kind comments and your understanding. I know that my relationships bother some people but most can look beyond that and see the person I am and for that ability, thank you for not judging.

For the turmoil that has happened on the stream. I think maturity comes to mind along with respect to others and yourself. Rehashing past actions whether right or wrong doesn't solve anything but stir up negative feelings and create drama. Let it go - enjoy peace

Thank you again

I'm not one to make waves and usually avoid confrontations - that's just the way I am. Some say that is laid back, some say that is lazy, some say that is cowardness.....whatever....I really don't care. Call it what you want. I'm dedicating this post tomy views of the stream. Let me write that again - MY VIEWS 

It was always my understanding that a blog was a place for a person to write whatever they wanted. All the blog sites that I have visited on the net have included an area where people can comment.

Some people write and hope that others will comment about what they wrote. Some people just write to record thoughts and perhaps let friends/family read those. Some people don't care if they get comments. And there are some people who thrive to be heard and to have comments telling them they are heard.

I have seen all these types and more on the stream. I will be honest and admit that there are some  bloggers that annoy me, some upset me, some even bring out anger in me but very rarely will you see a comment from me on those blogs. I simply have nothing positive to say, so I say nothing.

There are some blogs that I find funny but not haha kind of funny, more the "I can see through that person kind of funny." These are the people who leave comments on other's blogs saying one thing and contradict themselves on their own blogs or vice versa. Hypocrites I believe is the word used for this. I'm not naming names. I have no need to name names - it really doesn't matter who they are just that they exist - I think most people are intelligent enough to see it happening. It happens in the world so of course it will happen on the stream.

There are even people on the stream who dedicate an entire blog picking on someone else from the stream. It is my thought that these people have way too much time on their hands to do this. I can't even imagine using the energy on such a thing.

Then there are the people who comment and don't even have a blog. What is that?

Of course like any community we have those who push their beliefs to the limit- whether it be politics, religion or just stuff to cause controversy. If you dare to comment on these blogs be prepared to defend yourself if you disagree - you just might have a blog dedicated to bashing you.

Now if you are reading this and it is making you angry or some other emotion that you want to rip my head off my neck - just stop reading and move on. There are thousands of other blogs to read. These are just my views and observations from surfing the stream. They are not directed to any one person or blog. If you feel they are - well maybe you are guilty of something I am writing.

As for me and my blog and where I fit in the scheme of things on the stream. I'm just a woman who chooses to stay anonymous (for obvious reasons), who will not say negative things on another person's blog, will respect that person by not doing that and write about the things I feel I need to get "off my chest." I'm not looking for a larger number of people to visit my blog, or the number of comments I receive or the number of people who bookmark me.

Generally speaking, the people who comment to me have been respectful and kind. Okay so I've been told I was sick and maybe that was what that person believed and felt she just had to share - sobeit. It didn't change how I looked at things. It didn't change how I felt about myself which is really what is important in all this.

There are some really nice people on the stream and those are the blogs I migrate to and generally comment on. These people have earned my respect by being people who have qualities which I admire. I have felt connections with some of them and I enjoy that connection. I feel there is more positive vibes on the stream because I choose to flow towards that positive energy and leave the negative blogs, negative comments and negative bloggers to paddle in the mud. That is my choice. That is a choice we all have.

I have seen some supposingly adults act like children on here - that amazes me still. I have read "I took you off my list cause you took me off your list" kind of things. I have seen bloggers delete comments and let it be shown they deleted the comment because they didn't agree with a comment - heck - don't allow any then. Right?  I just move on down the stream........I believe I have enough to deal with in my life than to watch children at play on the internet.

I particularly like the blogs that share pictures of the scenery around their area, or their pets or pictures that they took of anything and are willing to share; blogs that tell life stories. It amazes me how much I am able to learn about myself by reading other's thoughts on their lives. I enjoy the blogs that are dedicated to entertain us with jokes and/or comics and/or amusing stories. That is so sweet of those people to bring smiles to our lips. There is a lot of positive on the stream!!!!

What do I wish to accomplish by posting this? Mostly just expressing something that I have been thinking about for the past couple of weeks. I don't expect comments (good or bad) on something I'm expressing. For some reason I felt I need to clarify that but if you are so inclined to comment, I appreciate the time it takes and the thought that goes into it. I hope everyone has a good week!!!

 

I should have stayed in bed. It was warm and comfortable there. But, no I got up and started work. We had my mom's dog, Bentley, overnight.

My daughters were going to take him back to her when they went to school. They leave and he goes with them....or so I thought. Next thing I know I'm getting a call from the oldest and she said Bentley won't come off the back porch. So I grab some biscuits and head out there. Now remember, I had just woke up before this so I was still in my nightshirt (the only thing other than slippers). I go out and close the door behind me. He follows me up the walk to the driveway and gets in the back of her car - no problem. Next time they'll think of bribing him.

On my way back to the house, the horse is neighing me to take him over to the pasture. Sure why not right - I'm only walking around in my nightshirt and slippers - never mind that the grass is wet, I'm clocked in to work and there is a breeze blowing up the nightshirt.



So I take him over and finally go back to the house only to find out that the door was locked. I was thinking "Oh you have got to be kidding". I'll tell you right now that I hate the lock on that door. It's one of those kind that you can open the door from the inside while it's locked. The whole family at one time or another have locked themselves out. Now you would have thought with that many times of being locked out that we would have put a key outside right? Well, no. I don't know the excuse. We have a spare key and it is NOW out there for the next time.

So, here I am in my nightshirt and slippers locked out of my house. I wasn't sure if I wanted to laugh or cry. I knew there was no way in hell that I was going to walk to a neighbor's house wearing what I was wearing. Of course I didn't have my cell phone. I did contemplate going to the camper and sleeping all day....but I knew that wouldn't work. I had a class I had to be at in the afternoon. So I tried the window in the back of the kitchen (around the corner from the door). Luckily it was unlocked. I have climbed through there before but it is not a pretty site and not easy. For one thing, my legs are not long and I need something to stand on. The last time I had to climb in the window, the upside bucket I was standing on gave way before I was in the window - ouch!! I tried using something inside the window to try to reach to unlock the door but I couldn't. My only resolution to this dilemma was to crawl in the window.

(I tried to upload a picture showing the door/window to give a better understanding but the picture wouldn't upload)

I grab a bucket of cat litter that was sitting on the back porch and placed it solidly under the window. By this time, I have an audience of cats. The family of cats outside were sitting there wondering what the heck I was doing and Bandit was inside smirking at me. If only he could unlock the door or fetch my keys.

So I pull down the nightshirt as far as I can. The last thing I want to do is have my bare butt showing. Because of the way the window sill is and the fact that I have a bench under that, I knew I had to go in head first and slide in. I already knocked a plant down and ground was all over the floor so I knew my "landing" wasn't going to be pleasant. I pulled the shirt down one more time and "dove in" being very careful not to go into fast but fast enough before something was exposed that I didn't want exposed. It was awkward and yes painful sliding over all that stuff but I landed in the dirt, pulled myself up and brushed off my hands. Again, I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh but I was angry. I don't know why that emotion surfaced. For one thing I wouldn't have been out there if the girls would have gotten the dog up to the car. My husband usually unlocks the door when he goes out to feed the horse because he has locked himself out and it was just my plain stupidity to not check the door in the first place.

So, I cleaned up the dirt, cleaned up myself and got back to work. The day just didn't seem right after that and I wonder why.

Although I don't post everyday, I do think about what I want to post. Sometimes that is all it takes, thinking about it, organizing those thoughts. I procrastinate on acting on those thoughts. Bad habit of mine. It seems that my mind never stops though. I'm constantly thinking of something - it might be a "to-do" list in my head, it might be what I'm going to make for dinner, or it might be how I'm going to manage my time today. What I don't like is when I'm trying to concentrate (such as when I work) or trying to sleep and my mind is still running a marathon. Some days are worse than others. Sometimes I don't go to bed until I'm completely exhausted so I know once my head hits the pillow I will be out. That seems to be the only way to quiet the thoughts running through my head. However, this past week I have noticed that I have been dreaming or at least remembering that I dreamed. This is unusual for me as I very rarely dream or least remember it. I don't do this on purpose. It is my understanding that most dreams are done in the REM phase of sleep. I have been feeling more refreshed after sleeping if I dreamed. There's probably a very scientific explanation to all this - all I know is that I liked waking up and feeling alert and refreshed.

Work was slow towards the end of the week and we were offered time off if we had the time (PTO) to take. I did and I took off today. I had absolutely no "real" plans. It was great. I had breakfast with my best friend. It was good catching up with her. She was working a lot in the last couple of months and we haven't been running around like we usually do. She is an RN at the same hospital I work for and works 12-hour shifts, 3rd shift. She is going through some health problems and right now they are in the diagnosing stages. One of them is fibroids in her uterus with a cyst on her ovary. Her biopsy came back with abnormal cells. She has to talk to her gynecologist to know exactly what that means. Secondly, on the same day she found out about the "abnormal cells" she was told that her mammogram came back with a positive nodule on one of her breasts. YIKES!!!! This happened earlier this week. I wish she would have called me that day but she said she had her own private pity party. I respected that. That was a lot of information to take in one day. She had known about the fibroids and cyst and knew that she had to make a decision about what to do (hysterectomy was what the doctor was pushing for). I feel so bad for her and sometimes I am at loss what to say. I reassure her that I will be there for her in whatever capacity she will need me and she knows that she can count on me. Sometimes her husband can be such a screwball when it comes to some sensitive issues. With all this talk of these problems and dilemmas, I really need to make my own appointments.

My classes are going good. I have been averaging 102% on each quiz every week. The extra 2% is from extra credit. This really is just a review for the certification test I'm planning on taking in January. Work is so screwed up right now. There is talk of some of our work being outsourced, no talk of anyone being displaced but it's more than likely going to happen at some point. I'm just waiting to see exactly what happens before panicking about losing my job.

Hubby is actually taking off work this Sunday to spend sometime with me. Yippee!!! He was suppose to take the whole weekend off but I just knew he really wanted to work at least on Saturday. What a guy!! Trust me it's not my idea for him to work so much. We will be going to a little town about 1-1/2 hours away that has a huge craft/flea market set up in their town. It'll be fun and a great way to bond a little. Of course our oldest daughter is going with us but that's okay. We need to have a serious discussion with her concerning her major and the fact that she will be graduating this coming spring. I feel for the girl. She is a natural A student and her major is accounting. In this semester she is getting A's in all her classes but her accounting class. She is struggling to pass. She doesn't understand why and of course I can't tell her why. I have pleaded with her, advised her as a parent, to meet with that professor (who happens to be her adviser) and figure out what might be the problem. She is talking about changing majors. Majoring in business administration and minoring in accounting. It probably doesn't really matter at this point if the child doesn't know what she wants to do which is the case with her. She has talked about forensic accounting. She hasn't really said too much else. Hopefully Sunday we can help her sort it out. I certainly don't want to see my daughter struggle internally like this.

Doc's b-day was last Sunday and we spent Saturday evening together celebrating that. He's now 56 years old. Gosh that looks old when I type it here. I don't think of him as being old though. He had a baseball game on his birthday. Yes, he plays baseball and is actually very good. I got to watch him on Sunday.

Let's see, then there is my mother. She finally remembered I had a birthday two days after the fact. Gotta love her though. Last Friday I was taking her to the podiatrist. It was raining and she was transferring from her wheelchair to the car when her knee gave out and she went down on the driveway. I couldn't do anything to get her up (she weighs over 300) and there was no way I could budge her. I had to call the ambulance to help me and they had to call the firemen to come to help them. It had to be embarrassing for her. I felt really bad for her. So, we get her back in the house after being in the rain for at least 20-30 minutes. I get her changed and dried. She made it through the weekend okay and then Tuesday we try it again only this time I was taking her to the orthopedist about her shoulder (she had a rotator cuff repair five years ago) that is giving her some problems. We make it there and back with no problems. However, I found out later that night after the fact that when she went outside on her motorized scooter, she had fallen off it when a wheel went down in a hole. Luckily she had a phone and called 911 and had help to get her up and in the house. She never called me that day until she was ready to go to bed. I guess she felt she bugged me enough or she knew that I would probably not be happy that she put herself in harm's way again. I did inform her that she needs to think about her safety more and if living there is the best option for her or was she just being selfish. She didn't know I had off this Friday or she would have been calling a lot.

Well that was the last two weeks in the condensed version. Never a dull moment that's for sure but then again, would it seem like my life it is was dull.....probably not.

I went into yesterday with little expectation but unfortunately things did as I expected. My mother called early in the morning and was complaining about the help that she was suppose to have. Remember me saying how the agency told her that they have a hard time finding someone to help her cause she is mean or yells at them. Well I finally got to talk to that agency and to the Area Agency of Aging caseworker assigned to my mother. Needless to say, not a pleasant way to enjoy my b-day.

My mother never once acknowledged my birthday. My girls made me a simple sweet b-day card. My hubby left me a cute card on my keyboard. My best friend seemed to have forgotten all about it although she did cook a huge amount of food and my family had dinner via her. At least I didn't have to cook. Another friend whom I was in contact via email didn't remember. I didn't remind anyone either. Doc did remember. As a matter of fact he REALLY remembered. I saw him last night and he gave me the card and then he gave me the necklace.

It's not a good picture of the necklace but there are three sapphires in the circles.

I kept reading the front of it. I even asked him if he REALLY meant this and his answer was yes. You have to understand that he is not free with those deep feelings or emotions concerning me. When you open the card it plays a tune - She's Some Kind Of Wonderful.

He made up for all the other people who forgot. So my day which started out crappy ended up pretty darn good.