This is a week of reflection for me and I plan on using this reflection wisely.

Not only are BOTH my daughters going to be in college, my oldest is going to be 21 this Wednesday.

I'll be breaking out the baby books and photo albums when they go off to school and leave me home alone. I will remember all the happy times of raising them. We had many happy time. Way more happy times than any bad times. As a matter of fact, the only real bad times have been when there was a death in the family.

When your children reach a certain point in their lives you pray that you did right by them, taught them things that will help them get through life. I hope my hubby and I have done that. So far we see in them that we did but time will tell when they experience more situations and people.

I used to kid with my girls that they needed to get notebook and label it "Words of Wisdom from Mom". I told them this when they were in first and third grade. I doubt they ever did that but they could recite some of my wisdom back to me. Somehow it always sounded funny when they said it. Some of it was said in fun, especially when I poked fun at the male gender. Who knows, maybe some day when I'm no longer breathing the air on earth, they will reflect on growing up and decide to write that book.

I worry about my oldest daughter the most. She is more introverted than my youngest. When looking at videos of her in her earlier years you would have never guessed that but I think that is what happens as they get older and friends change, school helps mold you, activities play a part in all that. I know that part of her being introvert is her lack of self esteem. Again, I feel a failure in this area as I have replayed things over and over in my head on how I could have prevented this. I honestly do not believe that her family (especially me) ever put her down or didn't have a positive phrase for this child. Maybe I should have recognized it sooner and intervened somehow. But now she is in her fourth year of college and hopefully will have all her credits in to graduate in May. Then it's out in the big world. She will know that she has us to support her mentally and physically if need be. I would give my life for my children to be healthy in life.

As for my youngest, well she has always been the independent one. We have always had to deal with her differently than the oldest. Even though she was more of an extrovert than her sister, she was probably more sensitive. She is one of the most organized person that I know. She is mind quick and she has a knack of seeing through and around things. (A scary thing in my position). I worry about her as well cause I know that even though she is smart, she will have to work very hard this first semester with her courses. They have her loaded with Chemistry, Biology and Calculus, as well as an English (no doubt writing) class. Yikes was my first thought. I even thought to suggest to her that if she thought she couldn't handle it to see what else was available and maybe spread those type of courses out a little but I didn't. She needs to make those kind of decisions herself.  It's tough being a parent.

Where has the time gone when they were just learning to walk and saying their first sentence was a major achievement, when learning the alphabet earned them something special. Ahhh...those were the days.

Now they are so independent and are writing wonderful intelligent essays that earn them High A's, they are able to do mathematical problems while I'm just looking at it and figuring out what it all means. They have surpassed me in that area by far and I am so happy for them. My hope for my children is that they gain from life so much more than I ever have or will.

Now where are those baby albums and videos.....

Tomorrow is hump day and I'm thankful. Sometimes the week drags and then other weeks go by so fast. I'm not going to try to figure that one out.

Doc and I worked out the difference we had last week like I knew we would. I got some really good advice from Whit that I will try next time a disagreement comes up and my feelings are hurt. I think it will work as I'm experiencing something with Doc that I haven't before and that is when I'm vocal amount my feelings he will listen to me and try to do what he can to amend things. That means a lot to me. I know in his heart he means well. But lets face it, the man is 55 years old, he has been single all but 5 of those years and that was back in his 20s and he is all about himself. He didn't have to worry about anyone but himself. He was taking care of himself - not anyone else. He is a self-centered male because of that fact I think and also the hurt he experienced in the past with a couple women. But that is no excuse to continue being that way.

Would you believe that part of our "thing" last week had to do with the fact that I brought up karma to him when something happened to him and things didn't go his way. Oh my gosh, the crap hit the fan. He accused me of trying to tell him that because he wasn't "nice" to me that he did lousy at baseball. Thank god this "conversation" happened online because I was almost busting from holding back a full belly laugh. I wasn't saying that really but just putting the thought in his head that how he treats others may be why things happen the way they do in his life. It's true - everyone has seen it at one time or another. Something bad happens to a person and you think about something that person did and that was their just reward for such a deed. Now, don't get me wrong, I do not believe that EVERYTHING bad that happens is like that ---- but it is a thought.

So this weekend, I stayed over at his house Saturday night. I made sure that hubby and the family had everything they needed, especially the hubby which was rather easy to do - sex - and he was working so he was happy - I wonder if they even missed me. I wonder if hubby even missed me - with working, races and sleeping, hmmm.... Regardless, it was my weekend away from it all. Cell phone didn't get answered (if it rang I never heard it) I pretty much did nothing. Watched movies, scrapbooked, hung out with Doc and slept. We did do a little shopping. We went to the pet store to get a bigger cat carrier for his two cats since they come to my house when he goes away. My carrier was getting too little for two growing kitties. He bought dinner (a switch) and he made sure I was reimbursed for some things I bought (again a switch) and he gave me extra - a lot extra (again a switch). So maybe the expectation thing sank in - I know that I wasn't expecting any of that. I was suspicious at first but mentally kicked myself in the ass for even thinking the worse of such a nice thing. When will I learn!!!!!

I did eventually come home Sunday - no one acted like they missed me. As a matter of fact I wonder if any of them knew I was gone. Oh okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little but I didn't feel any tension as if someone had a problem with me being away. No one asked me about what I did or where I went. No one asked before I went so why would they ask afterward. It was nice to come home though - stability, security.

How long can I continue, time will tell.

And now the week is hitting midweek. We need rain really bad. I was out watering my patio flowers and things were so dry. Our tomato crop is coming in full force. My mom has canned some and I have been cooking/eating my share. I used to can things but I was young and obviously had more time then.

I'm making a mental note to blog more cause this does feel good to put it down, sort it out so to speak....I like that.

I'm not sure why when I'm feeling the greatest I tend to not post anything but give me a bad day I feel the need to vent it here. I'm sorry to anyone for the dreary posts. With that said, it actually started Saturday. I had this four-day weekend and I tried to make the most of it. I decided against staying at Doc's - he had games Saturday and Sunday and it wouldn't been too thrilling there. I pretty much did my own thing all weekend. But what was upsetting to me, and it's nothing new, is Doc.

I had therapy Thursday and I wanted to talk to her about expectations and how I need to learn not to expect so much from myself and others. Pretty much what I got from it was that I need to pick and choose what I do for certain people. If I am continually disappointed by the lack of expectations from certain people, then I need to back away and do less so I don't become bitter when my expectations aren't met. It makes sense. I have trouble with that. I am the kind of person who likes to help people. It makes me feel good to do things for others. My problem lies in what comes after that help.

I don't know why I should expect others to behave like me. Not everyone was brought up with that mode of thinking. I'm finding out that a lot of people are more self serving and self centered when it comes to doing for other versus doing for themselves. This is hard for me to accept.

I was brought up that company always came first. If there were only two pieces of candy left and there were three of us, I did without. The company always got the better of whatever it was we were doing. That was just the way it was and I never balked at that. Somewhere along the road, I figured I would be treated the same if the situations were reversed. But that is not how life plays out as I learned and am still learning.

As I grew up, I never changed that thinking. I always thought of others when it came to giving of myself or material things. I didn't miss out on anything. I always made sure I was taken care of as well but I didn't slight someone else to make that happen.

Well, when I met Doc, I was a generous person, not only of my time and helping him out but in the gift giving as well. Could be anything small such as something he needed around the house to a week's worth of groceries. At first I didn't "expect" anything in return - just some gratitude and acknowledgment. I don't think that is much to "expect". As time went by, it was clear that it was a lopsided relationship in the area of giving. Giving in the way of one's self and material things.

I'm a needy person. I will admit it. I need to be acknowledged for things I do. I need to know verbally how one feels and if not verbally, shown in some manner as to "see" it. I think of this as needy. I think a lot of people are needy in this way as well. Doc is aware of this need. I have expressed this need to him over the years.

Well this past weekend, I didn't feel he lived up to my expectations. He didn't acknowledge a wrong doing on his part and gratitude for what I did for him. This of course hurt me. I became bitter and was sharp-tongued to him yesterday and this morning and then totally blew him off all day and tonight (A night we usually spent together). Did he email me or try to call me? No. Do I think that was right? No. True I wasn't too nice to him but he was wrong in how he handled a situation and he could have at least owned up to it. He didn't. He rarely does come to think of it. I'm not sure anymore why I put up with this.

I know that by tomorrow, we will have resolved this but it will probably be me who makes the first move in doing so. That is just me, I can't be mad at someone whom I love.

Well, I got rambling on this post but had a chance to vent. When I wasn't working today, I was sleeping. That's the best thing for me - it stops my mind from going in overdrive. I would love to know the secret of not dwelling/thinking too much. I need a rest from that and my mind needs a rest as well.

Okay so I'm slow....



Common site on our many tours - lava and water. Beautiful blue water and this is a neat formation of lava.


Hubby went zip lining in Maui. I made sure life insurance was paid up



We went for a wild ride on the island of Hawaii. Definitely an experience consider I had never did this before. Hubby made sure MY life insurance was paid up.

Of course we went to the zoo.....


Oh my, we covered our eyes when we saw this. Would you believe when we came back that way after an hour they were still in that position.



Lemar

Sometimes I just went camera crazy....someone would say - "oh look, a rainbow" and I would go CLICK...



We went to a Luai on Maui - yep that's a pig in there - oh yum!

Story has it that mongooses were brought to the islands to keep the population of rats down. It didn't work as the rat is nocturnal and these mongooses hunt in the daytime --oops someone goofed. Now they are all over the place.

Life can just grab ya and not let ya come up for a respite eh? It's been that way around here - on the go...go...go...go. My lazy weekend from long ago is history to say the least *sigh* but I have a four-day weekend coming up and I haven't decided what I'm going to do with it. I would love to go camping but I'm sure the hubby will work yet again. I've thought about staying the weekend with Doc but I'm not sure about that. I get paid Friday, I could always go shopping. I have time to decide.

Things have been going good for me, knock wood. The job is good - bonus check last month - yeah! Hubby and I have been getting along great - yes I know - surprise surprise!! I realized that a lot of that had to do with my attitude. Change the attitude a little and wow! I'm actually happy being at home. My oldest is taking on some responsibility without being prompted which makes me feel proud and happy. The youngest daughter is doing great at the job and your bank account keeps getting fatter. They are starting to purchase their books for college. Prices are outrageous but they have ways of getting them cheaper than the school bookstore which is a good thing considering they cost 200 dollars or more in the college bookstore whereas she purchased one for 75 dollars - brand new, correct copyright year and hardback.

Doc and I have been great as well too. Maybe it's the attitude change in myself but he is coming off more loving these days. Loving versus indifferent. I like the loving much better. He has been surprising me with show of emotions that he didn't express before. He touches me in a way that is more loving. My perception perhaps? Who knows - maybe, but I like it.

Even my mom and I are getting along better. Oh okay, so I don't really see her but once or twice a week (versus every day before) and I rarely talk to her on the phone (versus a couple of times a day). That works for us at this point in our lives. She was toxic to me and I needed to be weaned from that toxin. I still love her but I'm not jumping through hoops to please her and I'm not getting myself upset when I can't please her.

I had to work this past weekend in at the hospital which only happens once every two months. Because they are working on putting up a new parking garage, I had to park on the other side of the hospital and I chose to walk to my department. I realize that I need to exercise more. I wasn't winded but my calves started to burn - yikes!!! I used to go to Curves and let that go because I wasn't getting there enough. My daughter and I were going to walk this summer and she got the job and we never started. When I think about it, the only exercise I get is shopping, running around with errands which doesn't amount to THAT much and of course sex. I'm getting a treadmill this weekend so I have got to get motivated and STAY motivated and keep fit. That is my problem, I lose interest, don't make time for myself for things like that. I need to get motivated.

With the temperatures in the high 90s this past week, I finally got to experience our pool for the first time this summer. It's a shame that we don't use it as much as we should. Even hubby got in but then he had something in mind. He likes to skinny dip and "do me" in the pool - hey whatever floats his boat - I'm game. It was risky as it was daylight (kids weren't home) and it was actually fun (again something I couldn't say a couple weeks ago). It's all in the attitude.

I've been wanting to write about expectations for a while now and think about it a lot. I know I have a problem with it and that is something I plan on talking with my therapist about this Thursday. I hope I get some insight into some of the problems I am having with it and I will write a post on it. I really have struggled with this in the past and it still plagues me to this day. Well, I'm calling it a night as I need to be up in a couple hours to start work (only two more days of that this week - yea!!).

M