I was sent the following movie from a friend. It's a beautiful and powerful presentation that really touched me as most often this sort of thing does. Enjoy

The Dash Movie

I must be having more time on my hands, not sleeping or something for me to post yet another one this week....but I need to "express" something that I know I won't be able to finish with just this post.

I had my therapy session Wednesday. We started talking about the oldest daughter and I have no clue how it got to my dad. I remember mentioning that my problems with my mother really got bad the day he died. I've always had problems with her - I always wanted to please her but it never seemed good enough....As I got older and I was able to actually get away from that situation I could just push off anything to do with her on my dad....she was his problem.

The day he died I was with him, took him to his doctor's appointment and back home. I wanted to take him to the hospital when he started dry heaving in my car but he insisted on going home. I had to run to the store and when I came back my mom was on the phone to 911. They loaded my dad into the ambulance and it was at that moment that mom and I discussed about whether she should go to the hospital. I didn't think it was a life/death situation and figured I would go back in after he was admitted and take her in. She tends to be a drama queen and causes stress - I figured dad didn't need that and I certainly didn't either. It was my own selfish reasons I didn't want her to go in with me. I didn't want to have to deal with her.

Well it turned out that I should have taken her. As soon as he entered the ED, they were preparing the catheterization lab for an emergency catheterization. He asked where she was and I said she was at home. They wouldn't let me go and get her as I was the only family member there at the time. So I had called my uncle to get her. I didn't realize that my uncle had to take a shower before bringing her in. She was getting impatient. My brother arrived just as they were taking him upstairs and we all rode the elevator together. My mom didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her husband and I felt totally responsible for that.

I have never forgiven myself for that.

Even my mother has forgiven me - not coming out and saying those words but telling me it was okay. She and my dad had a really good night the night before he died. They talked all night long and she felt that they had said their goodbyes.

Even my dad has forgiven me - He appeared in a dream I had that wasn't even related to him. He appeared as a younger man, healthy looking and in a white suit. He came up to me, hugged me and whispered in my ear that everything was okay. I woke up crying my eyes out but yet felt good by his presence.

I couldn't understand why I couldn't get past that dreadful day. I thought I had come to terms with it. After talking a while with my therapist she tells me I need to forgive myself. I need to know that it wasn't my fault, there was nothing wrong with me wanting to be with my dad without her. I didn't know things were going to play out the way they did. She said I was thinking too black and white and that I needed to consider all the other factors. How do you forgive yourself? I think about that session now and I remember asking her that. I don't remember the exact words but it was basically as above.

How do I forgive myself when my expectations of myself are so high - I should have been less selfish. I should have realized that things were as bad as they were. I just should have known. But now instead of berating myself for not having known, I have to convince myself that it wasn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong.

For some people I believe that may come easy but for me there is this constant battle in my mind - two strong forces - one telling me I should have known and the other telling me it wasn't my fault. Somewhere in there I have to believe the one that is telling me it wasn't my fault and then forgive myself. Obviously I need time. A lot of time.

Today turned out to be a sad, bad day for me.

This is a rarity...posting a post. For some strange reason I feel I need to put it down, sort it out. I sometimes think I am the worse manager of time there is. I didn't have this problem before. I go shopping with my friend and she ALWAYS has lists. Heck I tried that but always forgot the lists at home. I would just "wing it". We all know what that means - I usually bought more than I planned on buying and forgot half the things on the darn list.

That's another bad behavior - my compulsive nature, especially with shopping. I know I do it but I don't seem to stop myself. I think recognizing it is a good step forward and hopefully with recognition will come better control.

I go to therapy tomorrow afternoon. It has been three weeks since the last visit. I was suppose to talk to the oldest daughter about her self esteem issues. Did I? Well....yes and no. I tried on several occasions but usually got sidetracked and we never completed the original conversation. I tried again today asking her about talking to her adviser. The girl is going into her last year of college. She should have an internship and there has been no plans for it. I can't get myself worked up over this. So, it might take her an extra semester to finish - that's okay....but it's just nerve wrecking. Why isn't she more self motivated. I was at her age. It was only in the past 10 years or so that I have become more ADD. I'll have to tell my therapist that in the three weeks since seeing her that I didn't fulfill what I was suppose. I guess we could then talk about my procrastination. That should be good.

Things with my mother are so-so. Ever since the mattress fiasco, I haven't really been around her. I take her to doctor's appointments, fill her pill boxes and occasionally stop in but usually only to do a quick chore and then leave. She is having some friend down this week - Thursday - and of course she is busy getting ready which means that she is driving us nuts. Calling a couple of times an hour telling us she needs this or that and calling back hours later to see if we got it yet. I did say to her today when I was in the middle of looking for something in my pocketbook while hubby was waiting for me in the heat. She said some mindless dribble and wanted to know where something was that my oldest might know. I simply said to her "When you call you automatically assume I am doing nothing and just sitting around, can I do 3what you are asking of me after I'm done with what I'm doing?" She hesitated and then said sorry and yes. But then in the next breath started up again about the missing something. UGhhh!!!

She is intent on selling her antiques to pay her taxes. Her taxes for her home are 2700. That's a lot of money for someone on social security. I personally don't know how she is going to do it but maybe she can finally see what I've been telling her - not to spend her money on nonessentials. Maybe I acquired my compulsive behavior from her. Maybe. When I think about things, it is the money situation with her that really makes me just want to step away. I had spent years buying her stuff she needed and then she turns around and spends what money she has on mulch, flower bulbs or delivery of carryout. I have to keep reminding her that it's nice but she needs to think about what she is spending it on. Do you want electricity for your house or mulch for your gardens? Do you wanna freeze in the winter cause you have no oil or do you want to call up the pizza place and have a pizza delivered when you have a freezer full of food? Can you see why I bang my head on the wall?

Hubby was using up some vacation time today. He took oldest daughter and myself out for Chinese for lunch whch was nice. We came home and I went back to working. Later he comes in and just starts kissing me. I asked him what he wanted. He tweaked my nipple and just smiled. He kissed me a couple more times. Very strange behavior coming from him. I didn't complain it was attention that I was starved for. Now if only I could get into it.

I have a busy day tomorrow and I probably should be sleeping so it will be easier to get up in the morning which is tough enough.

Night all!!

I can't decide if this past week went fast or slow - isn't that strange. When I reflect back it went fast but when I remember each day individually, I think it went slow. Oh well....I have a four-day week this coming week - woohooo!

I probably should have worked this weekend for the overtime money but didn't. I have in my mind things that I want to get for the house, of course those things take money.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but my husband gets paid every week and he has his own checking account - no joint accounts. He basically pays all the bills. I get paid every other week and I have my own checking account. I basically pay for groceries, the extras (things that I deem we need), and things our two daughters needed as they were growing up. I know that is a situation different than a lot of households. I have friends who hand their checks over to their husbands and they get an "allowance" and I have a friend who signs her husband's check and takes care of all the bills and he accesses the money out of their account with a MAC card. My hubby and I have always had our own checking accounts. He has pretty much always paid all the bills. Now don't get me wrong, I had "certain bills" to pay: Cell phones, cable for internet, computers, credit cards, etc. Of course we have separate credit cards too and some together.

So where was I before I got sidetracked - oh yeah needing money for the things I wanted to get. Let me fill you in more details first. We live in an old farmhouse. It was built in 1896 and I guess in those days closets were not "in" and we basically have none. Well, we have two really big ones in the kitchen. As a matter of fact. The kitchen is huge and the bathroom is huge - two things I really love about this place. But I hate the fact that we don't have closets. We have three bedrooms but they are fairly small. Hubby built one closet in the littlest room (which is the youngest's bedroom) and we use wardrobes in the other bedrooms. In the bathroom, I had purchased almost 20 years ago a pine cabinet that houses our towels, medicines, toiletries etc. Nice but we have outgrown it several years ago. I made due for the time being with those plastic drawer thingies that are useful but don't particularly look good with the decor to hold some of the "stuff" till I found something else. Well I have been on a serious hunt of late.

I must be pretty darn picky cause I haven't been able to find what I wanted until yesterday when I went to Just Cabinets. It was the first time I ever went there and I was surprised at what they had. Keeping in mind what the limit I wanted to spend on this piece of bathroom furniture, I ended up finding a futon for my youngest's room, a kitchen island and of course the cabinet for the bathroom......oh geeesh now I had to do a lot of figuring in my head - which did I want, what could I afford, etc. We ended up calling hubby to stop in on his way home from work for a second opinion. He spotted the four drawer file cabinet that I have been talking about replacing the one we have now. oh gheesh now another thing to figure in. This is why I should have been working overtime. I ended up on settling to compromise but I'm okay with this.

I ended up getting a cabinet for the bathroom plus an open five shelf thingy (lack of a better word) to store the towels in. Of course I have to put together the cabinet and then have to stain the two pieces - yikes....and I'm such a procrastinator. We'll see how long it takes me to get this done. I brought home the measurements for the island and the futon and it seems that the island will fit (thank goodness for large kitchens) but I will have to get rid of some smaller things in there so that walking space will not be limited. It's a great looking island too - not on wheels like a lot of them are. This one has real legs, is black (will go great with the refrigerator and other appliances once I get them replaced) and has a salt and pepper granite top which is absolutely beautiful. Of course I still have to mull this around before committing to buy it. The futon is nice as well but again, she will have to give up something in her room to make it "fit". She doesn't seem to have a problem with it. I have to give this child credit. She is by far the neatest of all four of us. Everything has a place and nothing is ever out of place. She is also a tall girl 5'8" whereas I am only 5'4" and her sister is only 5'4" and she sleeps in the littlest bed - twin. So getting a futon that folds out into a full-sized bed would be exciting. The mattresses you can get for a futon nowadays are pretty awesome too. That one is still in the air as well.

Also during this week, my hubby came home from work early twice and had off one day (using up vacation time) and I took my mom to the podiatrist. Hubby took my oldest and me out to lunch which was nice and then we went to Sam's where I spent way too much money.

Doc and I had an exaggerated fight Monday night which lasted till Tuesday. It was me being a Drama Queen and over-thinking, over-reacting. I recognized it even as it was happening but was so fed up with a certain attitude that I didn't stop myself. I didn't cry like I usually do when we fight. He reacted the same - said it was over if it was going to be like this - and I told him to walk away from me before he said something he was going to really regret and he did!! Later, I faced him and told him he would now listen to me, let me finish and not say a word. I gave him my feelings and walked away before I would say anything terrible. Then we faced each other again and this time when his attitude didn't fit what I wanted I said - fine I'm outta here and I got a garbage bag and proceeded to start dumping all my stuff I had there into this bag. I even started to throw away the stuff I just brought over for him. Hey I can be a great Drama Queen when I need to. (Are you appreciating this Daisy?). Well that got his attention and he came to see what I was doing and of course I stopped - I really didn't want to throw that stuff away - I was just trying to make a point and do it in a way that would get his attention. Well, of course we talked and worked things out and he told me to put my stuff back that he didn't mean what he said. He said it's the Italian in him that makes him say things loudly and not really mean. I have learned this about arguing with him. So that was Monday and by Tuesday things were good and we were back to normal the rest of the week and weekend.

Today I was absolutely lazy. I slept till noon. I did cook for the family.... I wasn't even outside until 9:30 p.m. I felt like I did nothing and of course I'm feeling a tad guilty about it now. hmmm...let me justify this somehow ---- I guess I'm making up for all the days (and there have been many) that I have been super stressed and overworked. Okay now I justified today....bring on this week!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful week!!

I was just over at Whit's Whitling and of course I was behind a day or two of blog reading but he posed a very good question to the readers of his blog about three women who were friends and one of them cheating with one of the friend's husband.  I can't say I have ever been in that dilemma before. But my "dilemma" is similar. What if one of my friends decided to tell my husband about me and my other life? I guess I have considered it more than once but I trust the friends that know and do not believe they would break loyality to me. They do speak matter-of-fact to me though when it comes to Doc. They don't come out and condone or condemn it but they do let me know how they feel. I am lucky to have such good friends.

When all this started over nine years ago, I never planned on being in love with another man. Never planned on keeping a lie going. Never planned on any of this. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I just wanted to experience something I never experienced before and it happened and then the phase was over.....but Doc stayed. My feelings for him developed into something more than lust and thus my double life began.

I'm not an evil person. I don't take pleasure in causing other people pain or emotional stress. I am on the selfish side when it comes to certain aspects of my life, I admit this. I think a lot of people can't admit this. My children do not suffer from my selfishness and I like to believe that my husband doesn't either. If anything I overcompensate in a lot of areas to make sure they don't. It is a little taxing on me at times doing this but it helps my conscious.

I have a lot of irony in my life. I have gone to church and stood next to people who think they are right up there with Jesus and God and they have accepted me. They don't know of course and see me for everything else in my life. My extended family sees me as the wife of hubby, mother of the girls and able to fit in with all of them and be happy. It's not a lie I am living when I am doing these things. They are who I am. I'm sure there are those who can punch holes into this thinking and so be it. I'm not here to make everyone like me or hate me for that matter. I'm here to express my feelings, vent, sort things out.

In the same sense, when I am with Doc, I am the real me too. I have secrets I keep from him just like with hubby. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Maybe I'm schizophrenic and these are my two lives I'm living out.

I have to admit there are times when I wish there were two of me so that I could be both places. There are times when all I want to do is stay here at home. And there are times when all I want is to be at Doc's (whether he is home or not). Today is a day where I prefer to stay home. I'm home alone and it is so peaceful. I can almost compare this peacefulness to what I feel when I am at Doc's. Quiet, answer to no one..... Maybe if I keep doing this - expressing how I feel in this medium, I might discover more things about myself. It just dawned on me that when I am at Doc's that is how I feel....not answering to anyone, the peacefulness. hmmmmm....... I think I need to think about this. Wonder why this didn't dawn on me before - duh! Okay maybe it did but I didn't acknowledge it.

I'm sure I'm in for more revelations - I hope I'm ready for them!!