This week has been the final week of girl scouting for myself and my youngest daughter. She has officially bridged to adult and completed 13 years of girl scouting with her mom as leader for 12 of those years. When she was in kindergarten she was a Daisy and my best friend was her leader with me as her assistant (I was already a Brownie leader for my oldest daughter). There was a ceremony Tuesday night in front of the leaders from our area and then Wednesday night all the troops from out area got together and bridged the girls from one level to the next one higher (if they were eligible to do that). It's always a fun night as we brag about our troops. In addition to making sure I had everything straight and in order for these bridging events, I was putting together a scrapbook for my co-leader for the past 6 years. I was able to finish it Monday night. She loved it. Can you believe that I have no scrapbooks that I did for myself. I have given them all away as gifts....I think that is funny considering I love putting them together. Again, time is the factor. All the scrapbook gifts I made there was time limits for them whereas the ones for myself have no time limit. I suppose if I want to get them done I need to give myself that time limit.

Now we have to get through the graduation and graduation party. I can't believe that my baby is graduating from high school and starting college in the fall. My goodness where as the time gone. I'll have to get the videos out and watch them as they were babies...that is if I want a good cry. I haven't seen them since before my dad died. He is on a lot of the videos. Who knows, might do me good to deal with it all at one time.

The party invitations have been sent and people are calling. So far the count is up to 14 with one-fourth of the people responding. I ordered the port-a-potty. I have been purchasing things each week and get my bonus check tomorrow (yoohoo) and will buy the meat (all frozen). I have my lists all made (hey I'm trying to be organized) but I know that when it comes down to the day of the party those lists won't be found. I have been running all this information through my brain for so long now that it's memorized. I just made up candy bar wrappers for Hershey candy bars for favors and will probably print them out this weekend and finish that little project. Youngest daughter has her school scrapbook finished up to graduation. We'll be putting that out for display and her three scrapbooks she did for scouts. She brought home her cap and gown from school today. It's getting closer - June 6 will be here before we know it.

The mattress situation has been resolved and now I'm just waiting on my refund of shipping ($55) from Mattress Warehouse. They delivered the third set and it was from a different manufacturer all together and had absolutely no smell. Since that has happened, my mother and I have hardly seen each other. I realize that she is toxic to me and her negativity really brings me down. I deal with her as I need to but I do not go out of my way like I did before. I'm not spending countless dollars on her trying get the things that she ends up being ungrateful for and when I go to the grocery store I will only pick up the things she says she needs - I use to pick up other things and spend a lot of money on her and never ask anything in return. I don't believe she ever realized just how much I did do. This will do us both good - the break that is. My therapist says that I have an internal battle with myself when it comes to my mother. I make myself feel guilty and that is why I have been doing so much for her and then when she doesn't give me the feedback I think, I get upset that she isn't grateful therefore becoming bitter. I have to tell myself when I start to do battle that I am a good person and I am doing what I can and that is good enough. I can see this is going to be a big internal battle. But no fear, I will handle it and be better for it. It was funny today when I went to see the therapist and she asked me what conclusion I came to after our session last time. I told her that my mother is not good for my health and that my life would be healthier if she didn't play a role in it. I think I shocked her but she smiled and agreed but said that wasn't going to happen right now and that I needed to deal with the situation now......oh fine! I'll do that!

We have been working on the outside of the house, gardens, patio, deck, etc to get it ready for this party. Oh such hard work for a person who has a desk job but so rewarding to see it when we are done. Once I get the table grouted (yes, I haven't done that yet - just have the tiles in place) I'll try to remember to take pictures and post them. I'll also try to get some pictures of the "area" for the party. Here is what it looks like a couple of springs ago when family was staining:

There is a brick patio off the main porch of the house (porch of the house goes three-quarters of the way around farmhouse) and then there is a wood deck that is in two levels - the upper level is around an above-ground pool. This is our party place. It looks different than this of course as no furniture is on the deck and some of the gardens around there have been changed but the basic structure is the same.

Thank goodness it's Friday and a three-day weekend is upon us. Even though its suppose to rain, there is still lots to do. Happy Friday Everyone!!

Happy Mother's Day to all the mom's out there - I know I'm a little late but that's me - always a little late. I had a very productive weekend. As you know my youngest is graduating and like her older sister, we are planning on having a big graduation party. My youngest is a go-getter. We will work on something together and she pushes me to finish it when I'm ready to quit or take a break. She has always had her projects done early for school. She was NEVER a last minute type of person, very unlike her older sister. I have praised her endlessly about this trait of hers. She is someone I look up to for this reason (among others).

We did some gardening this weekend. She worked very hard and was obviously very motivated to get certain things done. Her graduation party being the motivation. Such a difference from three years ago when her older sister graduated. That child would have been happy if every one sat on the ground and the weeds were a foot high - obviously not very important to her but is important to the youngest. Anyway, we got some gardening done and then we were going to work on a project that was started 2-1/2 years ago. Let me explain. Two and a half years ago, I bought this table and chair set - it was the high bar seats (6) and a hexagon GLASS table. I had bought the matching umbrella - it was comfortable and looked great on the deck. Well, one day we went up to my mother's (surprise surprise) and I had left the umbrella open (the sky looked clear, no weather reports for storms). When were at my mother's the winds started and we had a quick downpour. I didn't think anything of the umbrella and the GLASS table. Well, we got home and the glass table was shattered. Apparently the wind got underneath the umbrella, lifted it and it fell down onto the table shattering it. I had just gotten it a couple months before this. I was sad. Well I made some phone calls to glass places and it would have cost me an arm and leg to have that table top replaced - might as well bought a new set. So I decided that I will just make a top myself - tiling it. My hubby cut a piece of wood to fit the hexagon band of the glass table. He covered it with a piece of formica we had so I could put the grout for the tiles on it. Well, it has been 2-1/2 years and we finally put it together this weekend. I have had the tiles for 2 years. Yes, I know, I'm a procrastinator. I have never done anything like this before and I totally respect anyone who does this for a living or even who has done this before. I'm sure it was simplier than what I made it. I had both girls helping me and it was a large table, I was hurrying them to place the tiles before it set - something I probably didn't need to do so urgently. We had numbered the tiles but then realized that we didn't number them all. It's funny thinking about it now but at the time, it wasn't quite so funny.  I have to put grout between the tiles now. I would have done that today too but the pail that I had was hard - It was over two years old. My intentions were good back then but life got in the way of completing it. Still though, it was a productive day.

My youngest got a job this summer. My husband's work has summer work for the college students of their employees. My oldest applied last year but she was #63 and they only took 60. It's a lottery on how these students get in. This was the first year that BOTH daughters applied. The youngest was #4 and the oldest was #80-something and they only took 55 this year. This a good thing even though the oldest needs the experience and the money. She presently does online stuff - surveys, click to pay, etc and has actually brought in more money than I expected. She usually gets a check every day and some days more than one. The most she has gotten was 100 bucks. Not bad for 10 minutes of work(if you call survey taking work) The youngest will be starting out at 18.96 an hour. I know WOW - I want a job there - NOT!! Good money for a college student that's for sure - maybe she could help support her sister :) 

Here's an update on the mattress situation that I vented on a couple days ago. Two days after getting the replacement mattresses, I sent a rather nasty but polite email to the manager who finally did something about my complaint. I wasn't asking them to do anything but I did want to let them know that these new mattresses still had the smell. I tried Fabreze and I tried Lysol - nothing seemed to work completely. Well the next day she called me back and offered me two new sets but from a different manufacturer. I wasn't really keen on the idea and said I would sooner have the money back but that wasn't what they were offering so I thought what did have to lose but more time off work. So it's set up for this Wednesday. I hope this works. This whole thing has been a pressure for my mother and I. She has made me realize how uncooperative she is and how she perceives things and then relates these untruths to others. It doesn't matter to me what others think of me but hey - have the correct facts first. I am just plain avoiding her nowadays. Not answering the phone and not returning her calls. She did call at 2 in the morning the other night and I did go to her house to help her with an "accident" she had in her pants, but other than that nothing else. I did mail her a mother's day card and did wish her one Sunday. This is going to be good in the long run - hopefully we have a better appreciation for each other. I also gave her a mattress pad and new sheets.  However, she will still tell people that her son and daughter didn't spend mother's day with her or give her anything. I'll never be able to please that woman.

Start of another week and I'm actually ready for it. I haven't been able to say that in weeks and months. I feel rejunenated for some reason. This is a good thing. Could be the break from my mother. Could be the medicine. Maybe it was being productive. Maybe it was a little of everything.

Well, the replacement mattresses arrived today - 30 minutes earlier than they said so I got a phone call from my mother telling me that they were here, click. I had to clock out, save my work and head up there - 5 minutes tops to get there. I get there and I see the look on her face and I just shake my head. I can tell she is going to be a mean, nasty lady today. Of course, I sniffed the mattresses to make sure that the horrible smell wasn't there. One set was fine. The other mattress however had a faint odor to it. and I wasn't particularly happy about that. The foundation was okay. I just kept sniffing it and sniffing it to make sure it wasn't just me and it was the mattress - they had it in the room that was used for storing them so I wasn't sure if I was just smelling the room or the mattress. The guy said if I wasn't happy with it to call and they would get it right. Oh yeah, we know how that goes don't we. So I made a notation on the paper I signed about one of the mattresses still smelling.

So I made up my mother's bed and she was so critical. The sheet wasn't even with the blanket. The pillows weren't in the right position.  I kid you not, this woman is this critical.

I went to the other bedroom and she is harping how I didn't believe her that they stank when we got the first ones and I informed her that she complains so much about everything that I get to the point I tune her out. She went on how you have to try a mattress out when you buy it - well duh!! Doesn't she think I did that. I couldn't see taking her there with her being in a wheelchair and hardly able to transfer and these stores having the mattresses so close - I'm sorry I must be the bad daughter in not wanting to deal with her in that situation. My daughter's mattress is softer than these but she doesn't think so as that is the one she is using. My daughter agreed and she didn't say anything. I told her that I thought I was doing something nice for her and she said "I know" and I went on to say that for over a year every time I put her in bed she complained about her old bed - she was feeling the springs, she needed a smaller bed so she can reach across it to get herself up into the bed, etc. After hearing that constantly wouldn't you look for one. So we talked about a new mattress and I said when I got some money together I would get one. I even called her the day I was going into the store. I told her that she could have stopped me then but she didn't. It was almost like she set me up to fail - that she had her mind made up that she wasn't going to like anything I got her.

I need to step back. Stop doing things extra for her - you know like when you are out shopping and you see something that maybe your mother may like or need and you get it. I need to stop that because she is never grateful for those things. She very rarely acknowledges the items or she expects it to just happen. Well I'm done. Let her do without or figure out where the stuff came from before. She will see it. She will continue to sell off her stuff out of her house to get money to make bills, etc. I need to be strong. I need to think of my immediate family in this household and I need to think of myself and my well being and how she makes me feel and in turn how I relate to my family.

I can honestly say that I love my mother for being my mother but as a person, she is not the kind of person I associate myself with or like being around. I see my friends have good relationships, loving relationships with their mothers and I feel I am missing out on that but there is something about my mother that prevents that from happening. She has always been critical of me. Things I do for her are never good enough. She waits a few days or weeks and then makes comments about them or returns them. The harder I try the more she finds to bitch about. I should have given up a long time ago and I think I was starting to do that but then my father died and my life was turned upside down along with hers.

I appreciate the opportunity to vent and I'm sorry if it was negative and full of self pity. I don't want to make myself be the victim because I can do something about it, I just have to have the guts to do it and stick with it and be healthy about it. And this is why I go to therapy over this very thing. Thanks for reading.

How dare life get in my way of blogging but it has happened. I haven't had the time to blog or even read blogs. Priority I'm afraid. Hey, but life has been relatively good. I think I'm in a harmony phase right now regardless what has been going on with my mother. It feels good, relaxing even I'm busy.

My youngest is graduating in a month and I have been spending time outside trying to get the house and patio in "shape" from winter. The weather has been perfect for it. I also have been making her graduation invitations. I'm into scrapbooking so needless to say they have that look. I also have been making lists for this party. I'm one for making lists but generally forget them when I need them. Maybe I'll do better.

Hubby and I are getting along pretty good. I'm trying, honestly trying in that relationship but yet unwilling to let the other one go. Speaking of that relationship, things are going great there as well. We are becoming more friends than lovers and I'm okay with that. The lust is still there don't get me wrong but it is proving that the friendship is more important to us.

Oh hey, I quit smoking. Yessiree, April 20 was my last puff. Seems, I was scared into quitting. I was getting chest pressure and the feel of palpitations. But, all is good. I went to the doctor's on Monday and he ended up doing an EKG and then I wore a Holter monitor. Verdict is that I have ventricular bigeminy. I had to look that up even though he went into great detail how that happens. Seems where everyone's heart goes lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub, my heart goes lub-dub-dub, lub-dub-dub. Some call it an extra beat or a skipped beat. The reason I was feeling the pressure was that my heart may have been beating a little faster during those times and I was feeling it during those times. It's benign and shouldn't be a problem. I'm not going back to smoking. I knew I could quit. I just needed that "threat" of something serious to turn on the reality switch for me.

I have been "fighting" with Mattress Warehouse. I bought to full sets from them for my mother. One for her and one for the spare bedroom. They had a special buy one and get one free. I wish I never did. First they didn't deliver when they said they would. Secondly it took them almost a week to figure out when they were going to deliver and the manager of the store that I bought them from is lame. He doesn't return my calls and the only way I communicate with him is when I call the store. When they did deliver them, a "smell" was noticed but it was assumed it was just the smell of something new just coming out of the plastic. Well, the smell didn't go away and if anything it got worse. It started to smell more and more like mildew. My mom couldn't stand it and I didn't blame her. Of course, she wasn't happy with the mattress anyway. She claimed it was too soft so we switched my daughter's full mattress with hers. What a mistake cause now the smell entered my home. I had been trying to reach someone at Mattress Warehouse's main office but again no luck. No one returned my calls. When I finally did reach someone, she told me she would take care of it and asked when I wanted delivery - well that was this past Tuesday that I said I wanted them. Again, no delivery. Took me till Wednesday to finally reach someone to help me. In the meantime, I contacted my credit card company and asked how far they were going to back me on this. It had been paid in full with their card. They assured me that they would help me once I did all that I could. That was reassuring. Delivery is set up for tomorrow or rather today, Friday. My fingers are crossed and I'm hoping these sets are free from stinkiness. My next step if there is no delivery is to take the mattresses back to the store I bought them, wait till the store is filled with customers and drag that stinky mattress in so everyone in there can spell it and make sure they know about how this place of business handles their customers. I will make sure I get a receipt for returning them even though they have a no refund policy. I have my bases covered about that too. I'll let everyone know how I make out.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I will try to be a better blogger and it seems I have to find a picture of me at 17-18 years of age for Lucy. That should be interesting to see this project since I missed the preview. Good luck Lucy!!

M