1. I analyze everything.

2. I'm very sensitive to other's feelings.

3. My sense of humor can be dry and sometimes sarcastic.

4. I once won a trip to Cancun, took the money instead and gave most of it to my parents so they could enjoy the holidays.

5. As a teenager, I earned a green belt in Karate.

Thanks PolarBear!!

First, thanks Polar Bear for bringing some fun to the stream. It is nice to get to know people better. I had to really, really think of fun facts about myself. I was debating to share some but hey, what the heck right?

1. I am a collector of Longaberger baskets and have close to 300 (or maybe more - lost count).

2. I own a horse who has become a very big pet, spoiled but so lovable. His name is Trigger but he looks like Mr. Ed. I also had a peacock. One day he just showed up in our yard and wouldn't go away. We even tried to find where he came from but he just wouldn't leave. He acted like he own the place, kept the cats in line, played with the horse (although I don't think he thought it was playing when the horse was trotting after him) and even made his "nests" on our deck and shelter in the pasture. They are pretty but boy are they messy. We eventually (after a couple years and neighbors complaints) found him a good home with other peacocks.

 

3. I love road trips. Hopping in the car and taking off to a destination that is decided as we go. Always fun. Great memories.

4. I'm very much into sex. Enough said.

5. I love to cook, especially outdoor on open fires or gas grills.

I have been wanting to write this for a long time but never could bring myself to do it. I believe deep down that by writing this that it will be therapeutic for me. That it will free some of the demons that I have trapped in my mind. I think what has brought me to this point was last night when I was driving to my lover's house, a medic unit passed me. It had its lights flashing and the siren squealing. It has been four years now that whenever I hear them or see them, I immediately get sad and more often than not, I cry. It's the guilt I feel that makes me feel that way. Guilt over my father. Guilt that I was responsible for this death. Guilt about just anything to do with him actually.

Let me start before this time. I grew up daddy's little girl. I adored him. He adored me. When I got married and it was time for pictures to be taken when I was getting ready - we both broke out crying. Snap, snap, snap went the photographer's camera and they actually are some of the best pictures from that day. You can see the love he had for me and I for him. When I was younger, my parents were having trouble and separated, I took it hard as I thought I would be without a daddy. They stayed together and I always hated the way my mother treated him; to the point of emotional abuse. When I moved out and had a place of my own. He visited often. We had built a workshop in our barn and that was what he did in the last years of his life: Woodworking. He was very good. I think he came down to get away from my mother so I didn't mind when all he would do was sit in my kitchen, raid the refrigerator and cabinets and watch his news programs on the television. He didn't bother me working and all was fine.

Well, he became sick. He was being treated for a pulmonary condition but it turned out to be his heart. He had had a heart attack 14 years previous to that and never had the proper follow-up. He was admitted to the hospital and underwent two catheterizations with stents placed. He had major blockage, right coronary artery was totally occluded with the left anterior descending 90% occluded and some other arteries occluded but he had collaterals which helped feed his heart the blood it needed to keep it pumping. It didn't look good but never once did I think he wouldn't make it. I became the only way for my mother to go into the hospital to see him. I started to resent her more that I didn't get to spend any time with him alone. She always had to be there cause I was her only ride in. My brother never bothered to ask her to go with him. He was moved from the ICU to a regular floor a couple times in the hospital and spent a total of 14 days there. I brought him home and got him settled and did their running for them. He was to have a doctor's appointment in a few days and it was arranged that I would take him. The day I picked him up to take him to that appointment, his dog Bentley just had to come along. There was no separating those two. It was as if the dog sensed something. Why I couldn't I don't know.

So, I take him to the doctor's and drop him off. I was going to run to get my front light replaced and come back to pick him up. First mistake I did. I should never had left him go into that appointment alone. I should have went in. So, I come back to pick him and he looks pale and not well. I asked him how it went. He said "fine." I said, "What did the doctor have to say?" All he said was that the doctor told him he was anemic. Okay, I thought, so that is why he was looking so pale. Still didn't think too much of it.

He wanted me to stop at this deli and get some turkey. He went in with me. Second mistake I made. I should never had left him go in there. I ended up helping him out and bringing my van over to pick him up at the door. He was looking paler. I was getting scared but he wasn't in pain. As I was driving him back, he started to have dry heaves. I begged him to let me take him back to the doctor's. We went right past their office but he said no. I gave him the little trash can I had in my van in case he really did have to throw up. He didn't. He just had the drive heaves. I begged him to let me take him to the hospital. Again, he said no, he wanted to go home. Looking back on this now, I don't think he thought it was serious cause he felt no pain. That was my third mistake. I should have taken him back to the doctor's and left them call an ambulance. I should have been a better daughter and saw that this was bad. But I listened to him and took him back home.

When he was back home, my mother asked me to run to the grocery store for them. When I came back and I walked in the house, my mom was frantically calling on the phone. She was talking to 911. My dad had taken a turn for the worse. I went back to the bedroom and he was lying there, pale, breathing kinda hard but not too short of breath. I went over to him and asked him what I could do. My mom was yelling directions that 911 was giving her. Something was mentioned about nitroglycerin. He had the spray and pointed to it and I said what do I do. He said under his tongue. I sprayed one spray. Fourth mistake. I should have never given him that. He didn't have pain. Nitroglycerin slows the heart down while taking care of the pain.  It was later that I really felt guilty over this fact.

He said he had to go to the bathroom and I helped him there. It was about this time that the medics came with the ambulance crew. They came in and took over. They spent a lot of time in the bathroom with him. I wasn't sure what was happening but you could tell they wanted to get him to the hospital and pretty fast.  They eventually came out of the bathroom and loaded him on the litter. They had my van blocked in and I couldn't move around them to run home - put the stuff I had in my car away and head into the hospital. It was decided that my mom wouldn't go in. I still didn't think it was as serious as it was. I knew he wasn't well but I just figured they needed to have him in the hospital to monitor him. My mom wanted to go and yet she didn't. I personally thought she over dramatizes things and I didn't want to deal with that along with all that was happening. She tends to draw more attention to herself than to my dad who needs the attention. They took a really really long time in the driveway and at one point I went up to the driver of the ambulance and asked if there was a problem. He said they were just making him comfortable for the ride. When they finally moved, I ran home and then straight to the hospital. I called my brother on the cell and told him to come to the hospital.

When I got there, they were waiting for me. My mom had called in while he was being transported to give them the details of the medication he had taken. Seems my dad messed up on one of his heart drugs. A blood pressure pill - took one too many each day he was home. When I got there they ushered me to the room he was in. As I walked in, they all looked at me and they all had this look about them. I can't describe it but it was like a gloomy kind of look. They left me go up to my dad. He was now throwing up. I asked him if he was in pain. He said he felt no pain. He kept throwing up. I asked him if he was scared. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and told me he wasn't. I squeezed his hand and did the best smile I could. Why I didnt tell him I loved him at that moment is beyond me.

My brother arrived soon and I had called my uncle for him to bring my mother in. They didn't want me to leave cause they were taking him up to the catheterization lab for emergency catheterization. I called my uncle and I called my mom. Needless to say she was frantic.

My brother and I rode up on the elevator with my dad in his gurney and then when we got to the floor we were separated. My brother filled out the necessary forms and we waited in the waiting room. During this time, the nurses or whoever they were called his wife at her work and tried to call my husband at his job. They were unsuccessful in reaching him. The doctor kept coming out every 20 minutes or so and to give us an update. Each time it got worse. They were doing everything they could to stabilize him but he wasn't doing well. Finally my mother came and we sat and waited. My brother's wife came. When the doctor came out for the last time, he came over to my mother and told her that they did everything they could but it wasn't enough, my father was dead. My mother began to sob uncontrollably, I was crying, my brother and his wife clung to each other. Then the doctor did something few doctors do. He came over and sat next to my mother and held her while she cried. He actually comforted her. So there we are in the waiting room. My brother has his wife. My mom has the doctor and I'm standing there crying and I felt so alone. So very alone.

My mother wanted to see him. The nurses told me that they had trouble reaching my husband. While we were waiting, I was able to make some phone calls. I remember calling my work - which was right there in the hospital - and telling them about my dad and I remember hearing how sympathetic my boss was. I called my best friend and told her. She didn't ask me if I wanted her to come in but she knew. My husband had gotten the message almost two hours after we arrived at the hospital, well after the fact. We were on our way home when he finally reached me and I just told him that I would see him at home. Our children would need him.

When we went back to see my dad's body. I remember feeling so lonely and my heart was hurting. My mother sobbed and said she saw him move and said he couldn't be dead. I guess stuff you could expect but it was more than I could stand. I left the room and went back out to the waiting room. No one was around and I was alone and I cried, sobbed and just broke down. I could hear someone calling my name. It was my best friend. She had come in and just held me. She had called off work (she was a nurse at that hospital) to be with me; she was that type of friend.

Eventually, I took my mother home. We talked about funeral plans, minister, service. Things I didn't want to deal with but had to.

My brother came over to her house and I went home to my family. I had to tell my daughters that their pappy was dead and that was so hard. We just sat and cried. Much like I'm doing now.

The guilt I feel over this death was/is so great. I should have taken him straight to the hospital. I shouldn't have listened to him. I shouldn't have given him the spray. Although I was told that it didn't matter, that his heart was just that bad. I was told by his doctor, doctors in the hospital but that still doesn't take away the feelings I had/have.

Since his death almost five years ago, I have become his replacement in the sense of taking care of my mother. She use to walk with a cane. She is now wheelchair bound. She no longer drives. She no longer can do things she use to. After he died, she had lost over 60 pounds and had gained that back plus some which makes transfers very hard. She depends on my oldest daughter for a lot of things and I see the wear and tear on her. I miss my dad. Not so much for the extra work I have now but just that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. I treasure the time we did spent together but I still think I left him down in the end.

His dog use to come down to my house when my mother couldn't handle him which was a lot at first and Bentley would sit at the barn where the workshop was and wait for his master. He never came and eventually the dog stopped waiting but that went on for weeks.  Inside the workshop my dad hung this coat that was basically a rag and one day when I went up there soon after he died, the coat was gone. I questioned my husband and he had thrown it away. I went and got it and hung it back up there. That is where it belonged.

About a month or two after his death, I had a dream. I don't really dream or at least I don't remember the dreams. But this dream was different. It was so real. I couldn't even tell you what it was about except that my dad showed up. He looked younger and healthier and he wore a white suit. He looked so good and when I saw him I hugged him and cried and he told me in my ear "It's okay. Everything is alright." I still to this day can hear it as if it had just happened. I woke up crying my eyes out. My face was wet, my pillow was wet and I was sobbing. I didn't share that story with anyone for at least two years if not more. I still can't bring myself to watch the videos with him in them. My youngest daughter was watching them and I heard his voice and it still effected me the same as it did years ago. Some day I will get over that but first I have to deal with the guilt.

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out- ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world from a new prospective. This is your awakening.

You realize that it is time to stop hoping and waiting for something, or someone, to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you. Then a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

So you begin making your way through the "reality of today" rather than holding out for the "promise of tomorrow." You realize that much of who you are, and the way you navigate through life is, in great part, a result of all the social conditioning you've received over the course of a lifetime. And you begin to sift through all the nonsense you were taught about:

•  how you should look and how much you should weigh 
• what you should wear and where you should shop 
• where you should live or what type of car your should drive 
• who you should sleep with and how you should behave 
• who you should marry and why you should stay
• the importance of having children or what you owe your family.

Slowly you begin to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really believe in. And you begin to discard the doctrines you have outgrown, or should never have practiced to begin with.

You accept the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are... and that's OK... they are entitled to their own views and opinions. And, you come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a "perfect 10" Or a perfect human being for that matter. So you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head or agonizing over how you compare. And you take a long look at yourself in the mirror and you make a promise to give yourself the same unconditional love and support you give so freely to others. Then a sense of confidence is born of self-approval.

And, you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" hungry for your next fix, a new dress, another pair of shoes or looks of approval and admiration from family, friends or even strangers who pass by. Then you discover that it is truly in giving that we receive the most and that the joy and abundance you seek grows out of the giving. And you recognize the importance of "creating" & "contributing" rather than "obtaining" & "accumulating."

And you give thanks for the simple things you've been blessed with; things that millions of people upon the face of the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed and the freedom to pursue your own dreams.

And then you begin to love and to care for yourself. You stop engaging in self-destructive behaviors including participating in dysfunctional relationships. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and exercising. And because you've learned that fatigue drains the spirit and creates doubt and fear, you give yourself permission to rest. And just as food is fuel for the body, laughter is fuel for the spirit and so you make it a point to create time for play.

Then you learn about love and relationships, how to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. And you allow only the hands of a lover who truly loves and respects you to glorify you with his touch. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, intentionally or unintentionally and that not everyone will always come through and interestingly enough, it's not always about you. So, you stop lashing out and pointing fingers or looking to place blame for the things that were done to you or weren't done for you. And you learn to keep your Ego in check and to acknowledge and redirect the destructive emotions it spawns; anger, jealousy and resentment.

You learn how to say I was wrong and to forgive people for their own human frailties. You learn to build bridges instead of walls and about the healing power of love as it is expressed through a kind word, a warm smile or a friendly gesture. And, at the same time, you eliminate any relationships that are hurtful or fail to uplift and edify you. You stop working so hard at smoothing things over and setting your needs aside. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want or expect certain things. And you learn the importance of communicating your needs with confidence and grace.. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that eventually martyrs are burned at the stake. Then you learn to distinguish between guilt, and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that you don't know all the answers, it's not your job to save the world and that sometimes you just need to Let Go.

Moreover, you learn to look at people as they really are and not as you would want them to be, and you are careful not to project your neediness or insecurities onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love and relationships and that that not everyone can always love you the way you would want them to. So you stop appraising your worth by the measure of love you are given. And suddenly you realize that it's wrong to demand that someone live their life or sacrifice their dreams just to serve your needs, ease your insecurities, or meet "your" standards and expectations. You learn that the only love worth giving and receiving is the love that is given freely without conditions or limitations. And you learn what it means to love. So you stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that "alone" does not mean "lonely" and you begin to discover the joy of spending time "with yourself" and "on yourself." Then you discover the greatest and most fulfilling love you will ever know. Self Love. And so, it comes to pass that through understanding your heart heals; and now all new things are possible.

Moving along, you begin to avoid Toxic people and conversations. And you stop wasting time and energy rehashing your situation with family and friends. You learn that talk doesn't change things and that unrequited wishes can only serve to keep you trapped in the past. So, you stop lamenting over what could or should have been and you make a decision to leave the past behind. Then you begin to invest your time and energy to affect positive change. You take a personal inventory of all your strengths and weaknesses and the areas you need to improve in order to move ahead. You set your goals and map out a plan of action to see things through.

You learn that life isn't always fair and you don't always get what you think you deserve and you stop personalizing every loss or disappointment. You learn to accept that sometimes bad things happen to good people and that these things are not an act of God... but merely a random act of fate.

And you stop looking for guarantees because you've learned that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected and that whatever happens, you'll learn to deal with it. And you learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time FEAR itself. So you learn to step right into and through your fears because to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. You learn that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophesy and you learn to go after what you want and not to squander your life living under a cloud of indecision or feelings of impending doom.

Then, YOU LEARN ABOUT MONEY... the personal power and independence it brings and the options it creates. And you recognize the necessity to create your own personal wealth. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. Then a sense of power is born of self-reliance. And you live with honor and integrity because you know that these principles are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build your life. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful opportunity and exciting possibility. Then you hang a wind chime outside your window to remind yourself what beauty there is in Simplicity.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you TAKE a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can. A word about the Power of Prayer: In some of my darkest, most painful and frightening hours, I have prayed not for the answers to my prayers or for material things but for my "God" to help me find the strength, confidence and courage to persevere; to face each day and to do what I must do.

Remember this: "You are an expression of the almighty. The spirit of God resides within you and moves through you. Open your heart, speak to that spirit and it will heal and empower you." My "God" has never failed me.

~By Sonny Carroll~

 

Well, I have to admit, thinking positive, having a positive attitude makes a world of difference. I'm really trying to show this positivity in every aspect of my life. Although I still need to work on the "mom situation".

Maybe it's still early to see the long-term results. I HAVE to keep trying.

I'm seeing a difference in the home life. I'm seeing a difference with the lover. Yes, we are still friends. I'm not the kind of woman who can write off someone I honestly care for because things don't go my way. I think he is beginning to really see that I'm not jumping ship just because I didn't get my own way in this relationship.

Last night we spent time together and although it was a tad strained at first, things did relax and we were back to our normal selves. So normal that, yes, we did make love. I know, I know, I'm such a fricking horndog. But, hey, I was being positive. Well, today the lover says to me that he would like things to stay the same but he doesn't want to take me for granted anymore. I'm thinking to myself "what did I just hear?" "I must be dreaming." "Oh my god, this positive energy really does work." I played it cool and I said that I'm relieved and that I would try to keep any pressure I may have been putting on him to a minimum as well. That was that.

Now, once again, time will tell. I have to remain positive. I need to remain positive.