I took some time yesterday since I didn't have to work and thought about my life and what I have accomplished, what I wanted to accomplish, etc. As I was going through my time line of life, I realized that I started out so young and obtained things at a young age that most people don't obtain until they are the age I am now or even older. I should feel good about that and I do. I do feel good that we had the foresight to do things that will only benefit our children later in life. I think that it's important not to think of this "list" as only the material things but the age at which they were acquired. My point is not saying "look at me and all the stuff I have" but that I was young and inexperience in life. I have never dwelled on these things and only recent thought about it as I was thinking about the decisions I need to make.

I started school young. I was one of the youngest in my grade. I managed to get through high school and live through my mother's emotional abuse. I even graduated with honors from high school. I then went on to college at the age of 17 but quit when I fell in love. We bought a house and at age 19 my name was on a mortgage.

I was married at 20.

I was an owner of a cemetery lot at age 22.

I had a life insurance policy that invested my money so that when I retired, I could live off the money it made over the years and this was all by age 24. That is when I had my babies, two years apart. 

From ages 26 to 35, life was a blur really. It's documented well with pictures and video but when I reflect on my emotional state, it's just a blur.

The house was paid off by age 35. That also was around the time I quit a job that I worked my up in and was making pretty good money. I needed a change. I was able to stay home for the summer. The first time I actually didn't work and could spend time with my daughters. We had a blast. If anything, it brought us even closer. When I quit that job, I rolled over the money they took from my paycheck to a retirement fund. Several thousand dollars looked like a great start for retirement. That is also the time I began to have road trips with my new best friend. We really grew close during this time. she was four years younger than me but you wouldn't know it. We were definitely young at heart.

I eventually went to business school and graduated top in my class and acquired a new job. This job was more to what I enjoyed doing and I felt really positive about the change. It was about this time that I also met Lover #2. What started out as a fling took a more emotional course and one that I have to face soon or go crazy.

I have been so fortunate in my life to be able to experience the things I have. I have been to Italy once and to Spain twice. I have been on some really awesome vacations, visiting different attractions in the United States and Canada. I will be going to Hawaii in two months. How lucky can I get.

Not only am I lucky with all this "stuff", I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters who make me very proud that I am their mother. My oldest graduated from high school with honors (grade point average over 4.0) and is in her third year of college (with scholarship) on the Dean's List each semester. My youngest will graduate high school this year (well 2006) and with honors (grade point average over 4.0). She will be going to college as well (we'll know about her scholarships soon). They are not only smart, they are good kids. No drugs. No alcohol. No sex. They are focused on goals of college and a career. They have seen what their parents have obtained and at young ages and it has been a positive influence for them.

This inventory of my life pulls me in so many directions. Who could give this up? How do you give this up? Why would I want to?

I know all about material things and all the baggage that goes with that but some of these things are things I have earned or have acquired through life - the retirement nest egg, a home that is paid off, even the cemetery lots. Even though my daughters are 20 and 18, some days I still think of them as my babies and hold onto the belief that they shouldn't have a broken home. But at what point, does that end and the mother and father have happiness they deserve too if they can't get that happiness from each other.

I read a really good blog tonight about "throwing away a good life". The comments on that blog were great too. I have a lot to learn in life. I know this. I will always be climbing UP my stairs of life. I just have to decide how.  

 

I decided to sleep in - what was there to wake up to. But I did, wake up that is and was given some good news. My car has been fixed and my gas tank filled up at no cost. Like I was expected to pay for the repairs to the repair. The gas was a bonus considering I was down to a quarter of a tank. Maybe there is good in the world after all. I imagine I will be pretty darn scared to drive it, thinking at what point will it leave me sit. Good reason as any to quit smoking too. Trying to see the positive here.

I'm a little disappointed in lover #2 though. I was talking to him in IM on my cell phone when this happened. He seemed genuinely concerned but it ended rather abruptly and he didn't say his normal good bye. Okay granted it was no almost 2:30-3:00 in the morning but still, I was out there in the freezing cold. He didn't call me or anything and nothing this morning either - no email, message or phone message. I'm a little hurt but then this is just me thinking too much and expecting too much like I always do. I'll never learn. Oh well, at least a free tank of gas out of all this.

I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps someone is trying to tell me something in a subtle sort of way. Went over to Doc's tonight to hang out and of course have some fun on the side. Left about 1:30 or so and was heading home when all of a sudden when I was going up a hill, my car slowed down, radio was up so I couldn't tell if it shut off or not. I stopped (since I wasn't going anywhere anyway) and turned it off, restarted it, put it in drive and nothing - didn't move. The engine roared but nothing. Then I began to smell it, the stench of when you flood a car. I'm thinking, Oh my God, here I am 1:45 in the morning, no one is around and I can't get even pull over (there was no where to pull off). I knew at the top of the hill there was a parking lot. I just needed to get up the hill. I found that my car would drift if I didn't press the gas peddle. Seems every time I gave it gas, the car slowed down. Go figure. How can you drift up a hill is beyond me - my guardian angel must have been pushing me. I finally made it and pulled over into the parking lot. Then I really smelt it. GAS!!!! Oh my gosh it had to be my car. I called Lover #1 as I was too scared now to even drive the home, less than 10 minutes away. I wasn't thinking, I was beginning to panic. I told him I smelled gas and like any man who just got woken up in the middle of the night simply told me to turn the car off. I looked out the passenger window and saw my expensive gas going down the parking lot. Never mind the fact that I'm holding a lit cigarette. Threw that baby out the window in the snow pretty darn fast. So I called AAA. They said they would send someone. I asked what I was suppose to do about all this gas running down the parking lot. He assured me that the tow truck driver would take care of that. So I sat and waited. And waited. Finally Lover #1 came and I quickly moved to his vehicle. And we waited. I felt awful that I had to drag him out of bed in the middle of the night. But you know what. He didn't comfort me for one second. I was upset. He saw that I was upset. Oh well. That was what our relationship was coming to. I didn't deserve anymore than that anyway. So finally the tow truck driver came, we pushed my car so he could hook it up. He couldn't help with the gas so I had to call 911. Told them what happened and they said they would dispatch someone. The fire company was a few blocks away so I knew it wouldn't be too long. Meanwhile a police car stopped in. Talked to the two truck driver and didn't bother with me either. We could hear the sirens from the fire house and knew that it wouldn't be too long. Then the fire chief came. He was a nice gentleman. Very pleasant and asked how I was doing and told me not to worry, that this was no biggie and it will be taken care of. They sprinkled their stuff and we all went home. No comforting. Nothing. Who am I kidding. I can't expect anything. Would have been nice to get a hug. So that was my eventful night. Now I have to deal with the garage tomorrow or rather later this morning as they had just replaced my fuel filter so therefore I feel they are to blame for this happening. And to think my week was stress free up to this point. Bummer!!

It was great to spend a day/night free of drama. I spent the afternoon and night with Doc. We didn't once talk about decisions, feelings or anything regarding the drama of the past couple of weeks. It was so refreshing to enjoy each other's company. I realize that a lot of this was my attitude. I had missed what we were sharing before all this talk about the future. I made a conscious effort not to talk about, make a snide remark or ask any questions that would lead us into drama talk.

I wasn't planning on spending the night either, that just happened. Seriously, I was so tired and fell asleep during the movie we were watching. He had asked me if I was spending the night and I told him I wasn't planning on it. He was okay with that or least he didn't say otherwise. However, instead of walking me to the door, he walked me to the bedroom to crawl under the covers with him. We snuggled and almost immediately fell asleep in each other's arms. It felt so right, so relaxing and so safe.

If you had asked me 10 years ago would I ever be in this predicament I find myself in today, I would have to say "no way, never." But that's the fun thing about life....it is always changing and sometimes things happen that we don't expect or even plan for. Eventually, decisions have to be made and more life changes take place. I'm so inexperience in these types of decisions. I'm not young and I'm not that old but I just have never been in situations like this that I had to make this type of decision that affects more than myself. If I make this decision I will be affecting so many people but then how fair is it to myself to allow all decisions in my life to be based on others. This is what makes me feel like a very selfish woman. I want everyone to be happy but that is not possible. Someone is going to be hurt. Someone will probably dislike someone else and who is to say how deep the hurt will be.

Last night/this morning, Lover #2 and I talked more. He is opening up more to me regarding his feelings. He loves me. He realizes that no matter what I decide that he wants to continue being best buds. He doesn't want to lose me in that way. I want the same thing. How easy that will be is hard to say. As we were discussing this, it eventually came out with the question posed to me "What do I want out of all this." I simply stated that I want him to give "us" a chance. (Meaning I don't want him to find someone till he has given us a chance to succeed or fail) He agreed. That was way too easy. I asked if there was going to be a time limit on this. He says, "certainly." He said by June of next year I should have resolved the relationship I'm in and be free to be with him or at least available for that to happen. I didn't respond for a long time. My thought process at this point was - wow. This is the first time in all these years that he has said those things to me - that this was something he actually wanted. I was saddened and I was happy at the same time. I realized now that I am the one who has to do it - has to make the decision. I've wanted someone else to make the decision for me and now I have to be the one to do it. Yikes! I'm not emotionally ready for this. I know this for a fact. But, Doc is right, this can't keep going.

He admitted a lot of things to me that he never did before. He admits that when he tried to make a relationship from the past work about three years ago, it failed and mostly that was due to his feelings for me. He continued to see me during the time he was with her. She had even moved in with him. He couldn't bring himself to break it off with me. When she was gone, our relationship grew stronger. It was three years after this that he realized that he wasn't getting any younger and he wanted me or someone like me in his life on a more permanent basis. The thought of someone else being with him tears me apart and thus we are were we are now.

I have a plan. I will talk to lover #1 and discuss our unhappiness and why we stay together. We will talk about what we would have to do to be happy and if both of us are willing to work on that. I may even have to get really honest with him but knowing me and not wanting to hurt him, I may not be THAT honest (omitting facts). And I have to talk to Doc. I have to hear him say to me that he would be willing to work on our relationship. That it isn't going to be one-sided with my love as the cement. And then I will need to analysis all this.

I'm not going to do this alone though. I was at my doctor's yesterday for a followup visit and he referred me to a therapist. I had mentioned this before and now I have decided that the time is right. I will be making that phone call to setup an appt. Not only will I have help to deal with the stresses of my mother and taking care of her but also of the stresses of having two relationships and making the decision.

I can do this. I have to do this or I will simply collapse in an emotional puddle.