It's been hard. Real hard. Putting the dog down was and is mentally draining. I can't even think about it without crying. Mom going into a nursing home for rehab. You would think that it would be less stress and it is but she is calling more and putting different demands on my family. And then there is Doc. We have cooled it down considerably but we still have the feelings between us. Probably me more than him. He hasn't been able to get it up for the new GF and although he doesn't come out and blame me, he tells me that he can't "do me" and then do her. I reminded him that he has absolutely no problem in that area with me. He admits that the sex between us has always been the best and that he doesn't have problems with me. Is he that thick headed to not realize that there is something else going on in that department with HER - she isn't doing it for him - he isn't turned on by her - she doesn't have what it takes. WAKE UP!!!

I go to his house to see him - when I am invited which is considerably less than before. He now tells me that I am too much of a temptation for him. Being near me is a temptation, hugging me to say goodbye is a temptation. Oh please! Well, okay maybe he feels that way seeing that every time I have gone there, we ended up in bed.

This is getting old. He is 57 years old, what does he have to prove? He is so unhappy and I keep thinking it's my fault but these were his decisions. How much time do I give him to see if he ever finds out what will make him happy?

I worry too much!

I can't take credit for this - found this while reading on the web how to get over a relationship ending. I'm still working on it even though it's not completely over. We still care for each other deeply but know that what has to happen will happen and maybe down the road......time will tell....one just never knows.

Read on....

From the second I met you I knew you weren't right,
And now every night ends with a fight.

I always try to go, but something wont let me leave,
Even tho I've told you.. "You aren't something I need."

But why when I know your mad it's hard to breath?
Why when I hear your name it sends me chills?
How can one touch of your hand give me butterflies?
I don't want it to, but it will.

And kissing your lips takes my breath away
you say hello and I'm lost with nothing to say.
I've walked away from so many before but I can't from you,
Guess its no joke when I say.. "I LIKE YOU"

My motto's always been why have one when you can have ten?
but I find myself wanting you over and over again.

I'm Flipping, Tripping, Don't know which way to turn.
Should I be persistent? or walk away and let it burn?

But no matter what I choose things always end the same,
and back come the chills when I hear your name.

I know you aren't feeling me back
but you have me in ways I will never act,
I want to cater to you, put food in your belly and do what you want me to.
Now that's weak, I shouldn't of let myself fall to deep, but I slipped, tripped, fell and busted my lip... Just by falling for you.

But. YOU didn't catch me, Got a busted lip and twisted ankle to,
I'm sure it was my fault always making excuses for you
And when I get back to my feet, wipe my lip with my sleeve
look around, rub my head.. Your no where..

But I see you straight ahead
How did you get over there?
20 feet in front I'm staring at the back of your hair.
Probably didn't see me,
Excuses again,
But I start chasing after you
This time I'm calling your name.

And still you don't stop or turn around to meet me,
Maybe your waiting till I catch up to greet me.
Excuses again

Maybe it was my fault I'll try make amend.
Thoughts of kissing you begin to fade as your pace is getting faster
I'm living in hope thinking STOP YOU BASTARD
I cant keep up, passing eleven years,
And this love , lust and smile turns to nothing but tears.

You haven't turned or stopped for me at all.
Since when did I let myself become so small?
You had me whole body , heart , mind and soul.

But Ive stopped as there is a pulse in my brain..
I'm thinking now..
Did you ever feel the same?
Do you get chills when you hear my name?
Has my lips or touch ever made you go weak?
And when I say hello, Is it hard for you to speak?
Am I wasting my time, sitting here writing this rhyme?
How many girls have you left for me?
When I'm with you its not only me you see..

And if you go a day without me you're fine
Must be true when they say love is blind.
Cause I see myself lost without you,
But no one brings out the worst in me like you do
What a fool, didn't know I could be such a tool.
Just a puppet with strings that you make dance and sing.
With no one Else's feelings at thought with all the heartache you do.
I'm out, my legs are tired.
I'm done chasing you.
Been a while, I'll take a breathe in,
Put my chin up might hurt a bit but, you've never made me smile.
So good luck.
It was fun while it lasted can no longer pretend,
You had me for eleven years.
It's your loss on a good thing, so I'm leaving. End.

I've done it, I've gone off the deep end and have done things that I NEVER thought I would do least of actually do but I did them. It has to do with Doc - the compulsive jerk of a liar. We had this pack about if he was interested in someone that he would let me know to give me time to adjust to that - I really did have major feelings for this man but I was married and he was single. Well, the weekend I was at the beach he went out to lunch with a lady. I knew nothing about it. The weekend of thanksgiving and he goes home and tell his mother all about us and the fact that I was married. She wasn't happy but blamed him for knowing better. Anyway it was the weekend after that that he told me that he was interested in this woman who he already went out with but I didn't know that YET.

So I get upset but handle it much better than any other time before. He goes off on his date with her and sees me later. He informs me that in his attempt to be honest with her that he told her about me - the best friend with benefits and that I was married. I said what!!!! Why share that I was married. This man can't tell the truth and he decides now to be honest - WTF!! So, I made it clear to him that it wasn't his place to share that much with her.

We remain friends and he has to decide between his best friend and this new woman - of course he picks the new woman and I was suppose to be supportive while he pushed me out of his life - you know how best friends do. So anyway, cut to last night. I know he has a date with this woman. I had seen him Wednesday, we had sex. I saw him Thursday, we have sex. The guy could hardly maintain his hardon so I'm thinking, this is good, he won't be wanting sex with her. I was willing to accept this new woman as long as I was still able to keep my benefits. The first time he dips into her honey pot, there wasn't going to be anymore benefits. He knew this.

So crazy me and I mean crazy cause I still can't believe I did this.

Oh wait, I forgot to tell you that I found out that he had lunch with this woman while I was out of town and confronted him with it - he admitted and then went off on me how this isn't going to work (our friendship). In other words, he gets caught in a lie and all of a sudden it's not going to work - well duh I can't keep being lied to. Well, even after that blow up, we still have sex - we are fucked up that's for sure.

Okay so now back to tonight. I know that he has been lying. I know that I will never be able to trust him yet I need something to hit me like a wall of bricks. I set out tonight to spy on him. I was going to watch his house and try to figure out what was happening. One thing led to another and I was walking around the back of his house. All the doors were locked. I couldn't believe that I was attempting to go in his house. They had moved from the living room where I could see them in the front window to the bedroom. I could hear the music. I was getting sick in my stomach knowing this was what I needed to finalize the end. I actually walked in the front door. He has a bi-level home and I was able to stay downstairs - I unlocked the back door so I could easily go out if I had to. I slowly made my way upstairs and listened to them talking. AT least he wasn't fucking her - yet. I could hear her talking about me and him saying things about me - He said he didn't know that I was married until later in the relationship - that's pure bull crap as he knew that from hour one. He said that I was a friend and wanted to stay in his life blah blah blah I could tell that she wasn't happy with the fact that I was a friend with benefits. He was lying to her and I couldn't believe the outright lies. he told her that we had stopped the benefits for at least a month and he just kept telling her more and more lies. I finally made my way out of the house. It was 11 o'clock and he said he would call me before he went to bed. Well, I got in my car and called him - knowing he wasn't going to pick the phone up - I left a message to the effect - Hi, it's me, I know you said you would call but I was going to go to bed and I wanted to wish him a safe trip. I also wanted to thank him for filling me up with cum Weds and Thurs and that I loved his hard cock. Have a safe trip and see you when you get back.

I was hoping he hadn't turned the volume down. He really should have picked the phone up.

Well, I get a phone call 20 minutes later and its him. He asks how my evening was blah blah blah. He left me know that when he is gone this weekend that I am to get all my stuff out of his house and leave the key, that he doesn't want to ever see me again. I'm like what are you talking about. He explained to me that she heard the phone call. I said well why didn't he pick the phone up. I thought he was at her house cause he had told me that it was too soon to have her there. I said but that is what you told me, I figured you were just not there. He went on to accuse me of planning this and that I had probably drove by and saw that she was there. yeah yeah yeah.

So, now I'm a vindictive woman - we all knew that from before when I confiscated his x-rated movies of himself.

I didn't cry at all. I'm not even feeling bad that he said those things to me. I'm not even feeling bad that I ruined his date. Have I turned into someone I don't recognize. I better cut that out!!! I think the sooner he is out of my life and I'm able to deal with that, the better for me. I can't deal with all this emotion and still maintain sanity. I do believe I had a bout of insanity tonight. I hope things get better.

It felt good to vent it here. Read it but don't judge me - move on if that is your sole purpose for reading it. I don't feel like dealing with anyone Else's crap but my own thank you

Reflection...I keep doing that. Reflecting on where I am in life. Is this where I wanted to be 20 years ago? Where do I want to be next year let alone 10 years from now. So much has happened in the past month I'm not sure I know where to begin. My mom fell and broke her ankle in two places. This landed her in the hospital until a rehab/nursing home bed was open. She was there one week and then developed congestive heart failure and was admitted back to the hospital for a week. Now it's been four weeks since breaking the ankle. She still has not put any weight on it which makes taking care of the things we take for granted harder. They have her on Lasix which is causing her to pee more which in turn is causing her to turn the light on to call in a nurse to put the bedpan under her. I can't even begin to count how many times she has laid in urine until someone was "available" to change her bedding. She was 330 and is now down to 300 - this is a good thing for all concern. It will make taking care of her easier - well, sometimes. I have been dreading the visit to see her. It doesn't turn into a visit - more of a bitch session. I can't even begin to count how many times she has called me complaining of something and expecting me to call the nursing station to take care of it. One time I gave her the phone number to call. I become angry with her but at the same time my heart goes out to her cause I know she doesn't feel "human" in the condition she is now. She was bawling the other night about how she got in this position, how could it have happened to her. I just shook my head and said we are all responsible for the condition we are in when it comes to our weight, deconditioning, etc. She hasn't brought that up to me since. I have no pity for someone who has "left themselves go."

I love my job. Since taking on this new position, there seems to be less stress, more of a challenge and more feeling of accomplishment. The money isn't bad either.

It's that time of the year that Doc is feeling the need to date. At first I was upset. Tonight we had another spat about it and I'm to the point where I say - go ahead and ruin what we have going so you can eventually be miserable. I know I sound selfish when I talk about this situation and yes I am selfish when it comes to this situation. He hasn't lost out - I do for him more than any woman has (even the one's he has lived with) and that is what he says as well. According to him, I am his best friend. He loves me. He doesn't want to be a home-wrecker and he wants to have what I have. Whatever. He told him mother about me being his best friend with benefits and the fact that I'm married. He said her reaction wasn't what he expected but she blamed him for letting it go this long. Oh please!!! Hear the whole story before making that judgement. He had a date with one of the other's doctor's patients. They had lunch the other Saturday and then went back to his place - which was filthy because I wasn't cleaning it. He said he told her about me - me being the friend with benefits as well as being married. I read him the riot act about telling her that I was married. That was my business to disclose that - not his. Someday if she is the "one" then maybe tell her but why disclose it now. He said she didn't seem to care. Uh huh. I think we know women a lot better than that. I intercepted a phone message the Monday after that date with her telling him that she wouldn't be able to do breakfast that week cause she forgot she had a new girl to train. I deleted the message. She called him Tuesday and told him that she was off work Tuesday because she was sick. She would call him when she was feeling better. According to him, she hasn't called. I don't think she is into him like he wants to believe. I don't like her for obvious reasons. He doesn't want to make plans with me JUST IN CASE she would be available. How can he date if the only time she has available is a weekend and that is the time that I am available. Well, don't we all have decisions to make. I'm standing my ground - I am his friend. I can't be totally supportive because of the feelings beyond friendship that I have for him. I just hope he doesn't ruin it.

Everyone else in the family is doing well. The day after my mom broke her ankle, I had taken her dog of 14 years to the vet to be put down. He was getting sicker and she was having trouble taking care of him. I went in alone although my brother and husband were in the waiting room. They didn't want to be there when he was given the shot. That was perhaps the hardest thing I have ever had to do - watch him being put to sleep. I cried two days before and at least a week after and still I cry whenever I think of that moment. At least he wasn't alone and he is now with my dad, no doubt playing Frisbee which he loved. And on that note, I'm heading to bed.

I'll be starting my new position on Wednesday. Yep, I accepted. I went in for my interview. The information she gave me was outdated (the position was in the process of being updated), she had no clue what my pay would be. Heck she didn't really know too much except what she wanted to see happen with a third quality specialist. She had high expectations and I was thinking that I would need a big pay increase to do the things she was asking for. As she was telling me these things, I was wondering what the heck she was going to do in HER job cause a lot of things she was saying were going to be quality specialist's responsibilities were hers before. So, I had a second talk with her this past Friday. I was given my evaluation at the same time. It was a good evaluation - 4% raise - and I was offered the quality specialist position. Now get this - the new wage was only 20 cents more than I was going to make with my 4% raise (this equals to almost 80 cents more an hour than I presently make). But then she told me the other news that makes this position all the better - where I will be making many dollars more than I do now - a bonus so to speak. I'm happy about that - makes all those added responsibility more tolerable.

We went away this weekend, just an overnight. The oldest had won these tickets to Six Flags and she booked a night at a hotel in the area so we all went down. Been a while since all four of us went away like that. It was fun. We stopped at Ikea outside of Baltimore. It was the first time I have ever been to the store and wow what a store. I'm ready to remodel the kitchen! But with just getting 15 windows and a new steel roof, I don't believe it will be happening this year. However, I am going to start with one of the closets in the kitchen. For some reason when we bought this 1889 home there were two closets in the kitchen - they were the ONLY closets in the home. They had double sliding wood doors. The smaller closet had wood shelves on the one side and place for brooms on the other side. The larger closet, we built shelves in it on the one side and the other side is used for our jackets. It'll be fun redoing it - of course I say that now "it'll be fun," we'll see down the line...

So, two more days of typing - hard to believe. The biggest change this job has is not only the typing but also that I will have to go into the hospital to work. This job will eventually be a home-based position but probably not for a couple more months. Oh boy!