It's been a long time and life has changed. I'm in a state of turmoil. I'm divided. I have so much but am so empty. At times life just plain sucks and then other times life is grand. Right now life kind of sucks

A week ago I confronted hubby about a phone call he made/took that required him to leave the house. He confessed that a woman was interested in him. When asked if he was having sex with her, he denied and told me that he wasn't going to do anything "stupid." The next day after going through the cell phone calls I found out who the woman was and that the calls were going on for a long time. When confronted with some questions the next night, he confessed that he did have sex with her. Long story short, he never said that he loved me or even that he was sorry for hurting me. I was calm and asked very intimate questions about EVERYTHING. In the back of my mind I was thinking I deserved this - I was just better at hiding my second life. He felt guilty and I was hurt that he lied to me and couldn't feel that he could talk to me. In short, I was to blame for not having sex with him and pushing him away. I remained calm. I said I could understand how he was driven to the point of doing what he did but he did have choices.

I guess the ball is in my court now as to where we go from here. He told me that she is married (which I already knew) and that she didn't want him - didn't want to leave her family - didn't want to disappoint her family, blah blah blah I point blank asked him where he wants to be. He said with me. I said if she was willing to leave her family would he be so sure. He couldn't answer. Disheartening to say the least.

Part of me feels betrayed but yet I betrayed him - he just doesn't know it. Part of me wants to forgive and move on. Part of me is thinking this is an opportunity to move forward and see what else life has to offer. A big part of me is unsure of everything.

Doc knows and is sympathetic. He has been with his gf now for 1-1/2 years. They see each other on the weekends but she is selfish. She claims to love him yet sees him less and less each week/month. He thinks there is potential although they share very little in common. He still feels for me and we have gotten intimate very rarely in the last year. We still talk and see each other but more as friends. He wants to try with her - not cheat on her, etc. I can respect that up to a point - he is constantly sending me mixed emotions/signals when it comes to our relationship. Confusing as hell.

My mother is now permanently in a nursing home. I am dealing with her much better and as a matter of fact had a 70th bday party for her where at least 70 people came to see her. My brother is in a Kiltie Band and they played for her. The bagpipe music was beautiful. He plays the snare drums. It was a great time and the residents and friends talk about it all the time what a great party it was.

My oldest daughter will be buying her home at some point this year. My youngest daughter is doing her internship and has one more year of college. I am so proud of them. They know nothing of what is happening between their father and me except that there is some tension. I will not tell them why that is - I don't want them to think lowly of their father for cheating. I love them so much. The oldest who works for the state PUC has been away all week for work and I miss her each time she goes away. When she buys the house, I'm sure that the youngest will move in with her although I wouldn't hesitate to live with her but then that would be kind of like running away.

Life is hard right now and so major decisions have to be made. I'm not going to rush and I hope I make the right ones. I miss being held and being loved. I'm such an emotionally needy person and I don't know if I can get past that. I have all the confidence in the world that I can survive on my own but the real question is - do I want to? I'm thinking of going to see my therapist as it has been at least a year and half since I saw her. Things have changed so much in that time.

Right now this is the only way for me to express how I feel or at least get some of it out.

Life is grand but can suck as well...

I was never fond of the holiday - probably as a little girl I was but somewhere over time the fun a lot of people had during this time faded for me. The meaning of true Christmas never faded - just the fun "times" It has gotten worse as I have gotten older. I put on a good "face" for my children when they were growing up and they never suffered from my lack of enthusiasm for holidays. It became worse last year when my life took a spiral turn downwards. On retroflexion of the past year though I have grown and yes even healed from everything that has been going on in my "other life."

We went to Las Vegas last week - just in time for their first real snow in 30 years. Luckily we didn't have to deal with it via the airports; however, when we left on Sunday our flight was delayed several hours due to storms in the northwest. We finally did make it home in the wee hours of Monday morning. It was a fun trip and we definitely will be going back. It was the first time we have ever been there. We stayed at Mandalay Bay TheHOTEL which was fabulous and we toured Hoover Dam which was awesome. Gambled some - lost some and won some - all was good. We even bought a timeshare with Vegas as our base - Traveling is in our plans. Which leads me to the fact that I'm still married - still unhappy but trying to make the best of the situation.

We have tried talking and he knows I'm unhappy, he knows I want something but neither one of us know what that is. Maybe it's a midlife thing but I thought I went through that in my mid-30s when I got the tattoo and had the affair. I'm not sure what this is. I'll figure it out.

Doc is still seeing that woman - he is happy and he is unhappy - but then he has always been wishy washy. I have caught him in so many stupid lies in the last couple months and I call him out on them as well - I'm not stupid and he needs to realize that. Compulsive liars don't even know they do it half the time. She doesn't come around any more than what she did a year ago and he finally admitted this past week that it probably won't be more than that for a long time. I'm not sure what that means to me and him. We haven't had sex in a very, very long time although he mentions how tempted he is every time he sees me - oh please give me a freaking break!!! My temptation isn't that strong although I like flirting with him, I won't take it any further - let him suffer through what he is missing. The way I see it I remind him of what he could have. He can live with the regrets - the more I am away from him, the more I see that it's better for my well being - I miss the sex but I've lived many years with unhappy sex - I can do it again. I'll just focus on other things.

Work is going great - I am making as much money as my hubby - has him concerned that I may leave him - but it helps me to feel independent.

Mom is living in a nursing home now - depending on nursing to get her out of bed, on the bedpan - it distresses me something terrible. We have been getting along better but it takes it toll on me to still have to deal with her complaining nature. I know she is unhappy but it's not up to me to make her happy - only she can do something about her happiness. I have tried to emphasize this to her - to make the most of her situation and try to be a happy person and maybe she will soon believe that. But who am I kidding - if I can't do it, do I really expect her to be able to do it.

Well, I'm tired and I think I'll try to sleep now. I hope whoever if anyone is reading this that they have a joyous holiday season - take care and God Bless.....

Time has flew...fast...I'd like to say that I have straightened out my life and I'm extremely happy and doing great but truth be told that I'm not happy but I am doing great. How can that be - doing great but not happy? I ask that all the time, get a headache thinking about it and put thinking about it off for another day. Life goes on...

I can't believe it has been as long as it has been since I've even been around. Perhaps I should start again...I don't know. Time will tell. I'm pretty indecisive these days - maintaining is my rule.

I don't even know where to start. First I absolutely love my job. I took on the position I have current back in October, got screwed out of some money but it has been made up to me tenfold - I do not complain about the kind of money I have been making. I love my job. It feels good to do what I do and do it well. I love problem solving (as long as it's not my life's problems) and I even like dealing with people (I didn't have to do that for a very long time). I work three days from home and two days from the hospital and that works for me. The cat loves it better too - better than working at the hospital every day of the week. He really does miss me being home every day.

Oreo our bunny had to be put down a few months ago - sad, very sad. He was having some problem that the vet couldn't figure out and instead of having him suffer, we opted to send him to heaven to be with Bentley (my mom and dad's dog who I had to put down in November) and my dad in Heaven. It was the hardest decision my youngest daughter EVER had to make and it just broke my heart to see her suffer so. Even though we only had him just a little over a year, he grew into our family instantly and even the cat has missed him. It was weeks before he stopped looking for him.

My mom broke her ankle in November. Came out of rehab to home for a few hours and re-broke her ankle. From there she went back to rehab but in a different nursing home. I had to go through everything again only the adjustment this time was a tad easier. However, she was determined to come home again - this time she was home for almost three months before she fell again and ended up in the hospital only to be sent to rehab again - no broken bones this time but more debilitated. Our relationship has gotten a tad better - I don't know if it's me or her or both. She still calls me when she needs me to fight a fight for her - sometimes I tell her how to fight her rights and other times I make my presence known to the right people. She still tries to grab attention in the only way she knows how - condescending tone, loud, like the world owes her. It's not at all who I am but it is her way. I can't change her and I don't plan on it. I haven't been back to therapy in a long time and I was considering it a couple times when she annoyed me and I would get so depressed over it - I really don't know why I didn't.

The girls are doing wonderful. The oldest is working for the state as an auditor and has been away most weeks in another city - I see her on weekends. She has no desire to move away from home (either she has it too good or lazy or both). She has no problem paying rent - her dad wants to charge 250 - and she doesn't even blink an eye at that (remember she works for the state) She's a good kid and someday something will click for her - for right now I won't push any issues. The youngest is in her third year of college and doing good. She didn't get to work at Harley this summer cause they weren't offering the summer program to college students - they have their own problems with lay offs and everything else. It's a shame cause she made wonderful summer job money there - at least 6 grand a summer. But she is doing fine financially as she is a brain when it comes to managing her money and knowing how to make things work for her. I feel good that both of them were focused through high school and college and didn't let peer pressure or another person influence them in a way that was detrimental to their goals. Hooray for them!!!

Then there are the men in my life. I am still married. I have a good husband - I have never said any different and probably won't. I wish at times I felt differently about things but I basically still do feel unfulfilled somehow. I don't blame him. He is a wonderful provider, a great dad and a very good person!! It's me. My head is so messed up that I just don't think right. That leads to Doc. He is still in my life. Back in November he started to date a woman who is still in his life. Over the past ten months, it has become apparent to me and at least my friends I am confide in that she just isn't into him. He has made a lot of efforts in this relationship. He has been totally rude to me and then has pulled me back into his life. He has been very yo-yo-like with me to the point I am so confused. Of course he is confused as well but I have been honest about my feelings for him. He has been the one not honest about his feelings for me. To him it all comes back to me being married and now all of a sudden it matters to him - that it's not right and he is feeling guilty. I'm sorry but that is hard for me to grab onto and believe when the next day, he is all too glad to see me and have me suck his dick. He is wishy washy and up and down so much I just try not to let it get to me. We are now at the stage where he sees the relationship with the other woman not going anywhere and like I have said to him - she isn't into him. She doesn't do the things that a NORMAL woman would do after dating and sleeping over at his house every weekend for ten months. He has never been inside her home, has never met her dogs (and everyone knows that a woman's pets are just like her babies). What is that about? So he tells me that he is just her booty call. Now before you say - yeah it would seem that way let me tell you something. When Doc and I have sex, there are no pills involved, we have pretty good sex - he is hard, stays hard and cums. At first, I was to blame for his lack of getting hard and staying hard when he was having sex with her - he tried to stop seeing me all together - thinking that what he was feeling for me was part of "his problem." Turns out he started to take Cialis when she would come over for the weekend. Well no wonder she wants him for a booty call - I want him for a booty call LOL

When I questioned him about taking a pill when he doesn't have a problem - he said that she just doesn't have what it takes - not like me. I asked, "Well why take a pill if it isn't any good?" I thought that was a good question - he says because he can't get hard for her. Oh please - we must have went around in circles for days if not week. I've given up. I know that the ten pills that he had are gone and this weekend it would have been all natural - we'll see how much of a booty call she has. Of course she will think it's his problem - what woman would think it was theirs after this much time right? LOL The whole situation just cracks me up anymore. I wish he would make up his mind about what he wants. There is more to their relationship that shows it's not really that great (he will even admit it) but I'm getting tired and really don't want to think about them right now.

There has been a lot of drama over the past 6 or 7 months when I haven't been around regarding the three of us and some of it would make you die laughing and others would make you want to shake me and say "What the hell were you thinking!!!!!" I'll save that for another day when I feel like typing up a story. For now, I'm going to surf the stream and see who is still around. Night

It's been hard. Real hard. Putting the dog down was and is mentally draining. I can't even think about it without crying. Mom going into a nursing home for rehab. You would think that it would be less stress and it is but she is calling more and putting different demands on my family. And then there is Doc. We have cooled it down considerably but we still have the feelings between us. Probably me more than him. He hasn't been able to get it up for the new GF and although he doesn't come out and blame me, he tells me that he can't "do me" and then do her. I reminded him that he has absolutely no problem in that area with me. He admits that the sex between us has always been the best and that he doesn't have problems with me. Is he that thick headed to not realize that there is something else going on in that department with HER - she isn't doing it for him - he isn't turned on by her - she doesn't have what it takes. WAKE UP!!!

I go to his house to see him - when I am invited which is considerably less than before. He now tells me that I am too much of a temptation for him. Being near me is a temptation, hugging me to say goodbye is a temptation. Oh please! Well, okay maybe he feels that way seeing that every time I have gone there, we ended up in bed.

This is getting old. He is 57 years old, what does he have to prove? He is so unhappy and I keep thinking it's my fault but these were his decisions. How much time do I give him to see if he ever finds out what will make him happy?

I worry too much!

I can't take credit for this - found this while reading on the web how to get over a relationship ending. I'm still working on it even though it's not completely over. We still care for each other deeply but know that what has to happen will happen and maybe down the road......time will tell....one just never knows.

Read on....

From the second I met you I knew you weren't right,
And now every night ends with a fight.

I always try to go, but something wont let me leave,
Even tho I've told you.. "You aren't something I need."

But why when I know your mad it's hard to breath?
Why when I hear your name it sends me chills?
How can one touch of your hand give me butterflies?
I don't want it to, but it will.

And kissing your lips takes my breath away
you say hello and I'm lost with nothing to say.
I've walked away from so many before but I can't from you,
Guess its no joke when I say.. "I LIKE YOU"

My motto's always been why have one when you can have ten?
but I find myself wanting you over and over again.

I'm Flipping, Tripping, Don't know which way to turn.
Should I be persistent? or walk away and let it burn?

But no matter what I choose things always end the same,
and back come the chills when I hear your name.

I know you aren't feeling me back
but you have me in ways I will never act,
I want to cater to you, put food in your belly and do what you want me to.
Now that's weak, I shouldn't of let myself fall to deep, but I slipped, tripped, fell and busted my lip... Just by falling for you.

But. YOU didn't catch me, Got a busted lip and twisted ankle to,
I'm sure it was my fault always making excuses for you
And when I get back to my feet, wipe my lip with my sleeve
look around, rub my head.. Your no where..

But I see you straight ahead
How did you get over there?
20 feet in front I'm staring at the back of your hair.
Probably didn't see me,
Excuses again,
But I start chasing after you
This time I'm calling your name.

And still you don't stop or turn around to meet me,
Maybe your waiting till I catch up to greet me.
Excuses again

Maybe it was my fault I'll try make amend.
Thoughts of kissing you begin to fade as your pace is getting faster
I'm living in hope thinking STOP YOU BASTARD
I cant keep up, passing eleven years,
And this love , lust and smile turns to nothing but tears.

You haven't turned or stopped for me at all.
Since when did I let myself become so small?
You had me whole body , heart , mind and soul.

But Ive stopped as there is a pulse in my brain..
I'm thinking now..
Did you ever feel the same?
Do you get chills when you hear my name?
Has my lips or touch ever made you go weak?
And when I say hello, Is it hard for you to speak?
Am I wasting my time, sitting here writing this rhyme?
How many girls have you left for me?
When I'm with you its not only me you see..

And if you go a day without me you're fine
Must be true when they say love is blind.
Cause I see myself lost without you,
But no one brings out the worst in me like you do
What a fool, didn't know I could be such a tool.
Just a puppet with strings that you make dance and sing.
With no one Else's feelings at thought with all the heartache you do.
I'm out, my legs are tired.
I'm done chasing you.
Been a while, I'll take a breathe in,
Put my chin up might hurt a bit but, you've never made me smile.
So good luck.
It was fun while it lasted can no longer pretend,
You had me for eleven years.
It's your loss on a good thing, so I'm leaving. End.